copyright © 2003 Howard Zimmerle & Jesse Wozniak

Scene 1



Jesse: You crying little bitch. I haven’t seen you cry this much since your mom was killed when you were six. Always the fucking drama queen… what “tragedy” happened now?

Howard: My girlfriend dumped me.

Jesse: Oh MY GOD, I’m sorry… I thought it was another minor tragedy, like when your dad was killed in front of your eyes by the clown hired for entertainment on your fifth birthday. I didn’t know it was something serious.

Howard: I don’t know what to say, Jesse. I always thought she was the one. How am I ever gonna get another girl? I’ve forgotten everything I ever knew about picking up chicks.

Jesse: First off, DON’T be yourself. Women hate that. At least they hate it when I’m myself.

Howard: Well who am I supposed to be?

Jesse: My freshman year I pretended to be an incontinent Sudanese man named Rasheed.

Howard: Did it work?

Jesse: No, but it was kinda cool not to have bladder control.

Howard: OK, so once I get another girl, what do we talk about?

Jesse: I dunno. Ask her questions.

Howard: Like what?

Jesse: Ummm… ask her hypotheticals. Like if you could have sex with any of the little rascals, who would it be?

Howard: Alfalfa. Definitely. Are you sure girls really go for that?

Jesse: Alfalfa? Yeah, he was a playa.

Howard: No, are you sure they really go for that whole, you know, talking to them thing?

Jesse: Uh, yeah, I think girls like being talked to. Just ask her about her day and stuff.

Howard: Her DAY? Why the FUCK would I want to know about THAT?

Jesse: I guess you just need some friendly comfort now.

Tre: More like some Southern Comfort! What, what? (raises the roof)

Howard: Are you offering me head?

Jesse: Who’s this guy?

Howard: You know, that’s Tre Poochie, the third person in our group.

Jesse: Oh. Yes. Hey Tre.

Howard: I just think what I need right now is a change. A big change in my life. I need to do something crazy, something that I’ve never done before. (pause). I’m getting a haircut.

Tre: Hair cut? You should get them ALL cut, he he he.

Jesse and Howard: (look at each other, proceed to beat Tre senseless)


Scene 2:


Howard: So nothing too crazy. After the breakup, I’m trying to get girls.

Jesse (Dora): Oh, honey, I know young love. When I was in high school, I had the biggest crush on Bobby Sherman. Oh, he was so dreamy, the captain of the high school football team. At the Sadie Hawkins dance my senior year (oh, .my dress was so pretty. I made it myself, and my mother did my hair. Oh, it was to die for), I was about to ask Bobby to dance when that little hussy Mary Wellington stepped in front of me. Ahh, she and Bobby got married, you know. Not that I don’t love my Herschel, but Mary gets to ride in front of the girls in a Lincoln. Its even got a sunroof, not that Mary needs it with that hair. Ugh. You know, I wouldn’t let her leave my parlor looking like that, even with how much I hate her. My Herschel, he drives a Ford Taurus. “We need to save for our retirement” Herschel says. But still, I wonder what it would be like if I was with Bobby, riding in front of the girls in the Lincoln Continental. (Sighs and looks off into the distance)

Howard: So you’re telling me that I’ll get her back if I buy a Lincoln?

Dora: (While slamming Howard’s head into something) No…you…stupid…fuck…win…her…back…before…it’s…too…late


Scene 3:


Jesse: Tre, you know, I’ve never seen Howard this upset, not even when his entire kindergarten class fell into a vat of boiling liquid and burned to death in front of his eyes, and since he was the only one surviving, he had to drive the school bus 20 miles back into town on mountain roads in a heavy snow storm, running over numerous cute little puppies and kittens on the way, and returned home only to see that his orphanage was on fire and little old ladies were jumping to their deaths off of the roof of the burning orphanage.

Tre: Word.

Jesse: So we have to do something about this. I’ve given this careful thought, and I’ve realized that the only logical thing we can do is kidnap Brooke, so after many months of brainwashing and several months on the Subway diet, she’ll have no choice but to happily take him back.

Tre: Makes sense to me… I mean, uh… word.

Jesse: Let’s do this thing.

(Jesse and Tre go to house, ring doorbell)

Mom: (answers door) May I help you boys?

Jesse: We’re here to kidnap your daughter.

Mom: OK, hold on a second, she’ll be right out.

Jesse: You did bring your chloroform, right?

Tre: Word.

Brooke: What do you guys want?

Jesse: I just wanted to talk to you about the exciting opportunities in… CHLOROFORM! (shoves rag in face, she passes out)

Tre: Dude, this can’t work that easily (sniffs rag, passes out).

Jesse: Man, he’s gotta be faking (sniffs rag too, passes out too).


Scene 4:


(Brooke is tied up, Tre and Jesse sit by her)

Howard: So I got my hairs cut, only to come back and see my ex girlfriend tied up in my friend’s basement. That’s cool.

Jesse: Howard, we saw your pitiful cry for acceptance, and we realized that the only way to make you happy was to force Brooke to love you again. Cause that’s possible, you know. I read it in Cosmo.

Tre: (sniffs chloroform, begins to pass out) Wor… (passes out).

Howard: Random druggings and beatings to force her to love me… makes sense. But did it work?

Brooke: Yes. See, I’ve learned that things happen for a reason. Everything that happens is for the better.

Howard: I know… just like that time my uncle got both arms and legs shot off in Nam, but then found a dollar at the army hospital? So you’re saying that you love me again?

Brooke: (scoots over in chair, rests head on Howard’s shoulder). Yes.

Tre: (wakes up from stupor) I think we’ve all learned something today. Chloroform is no laughing matter. It’s the 17th leading cause of hospital visits for Virginia youths aged 3-9 who are involved in criminal activity. If you’d like to learn more about Chloroform, consult your local library, or call the National Council on Chlorformality, 1-800-FOR-FORM. This is Tre, saying (gets drugged)

Jesse: CHLOROFORM? (drugs Tre)

All: (Laugh)

(Lights Down)



"The New One" debuted January 24, 2003, performed by Jesse Wozniak, Howard Zimmerle Tim Pieper, Elysia Hansel.

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