Howie: For those of you who can’t sit through a whole 5 minute play, we are proud to present Short Attention Span Theater.

H&J: CUT!!! (scramble)

J: (sad) Hey, I’m going home. My mom just died. I don’t know when I’ll be back.

H: Sorry, I didn’t hear you. I was too busy fucking your mom! Ha, ha, ha. No, seriously, what did you say?

J+H: CUT!! (scramble off to the wings)

H: I don’t want to sound like an idiot, but... duh duh duh!

J&H: CUT!!

J: Following the smash hit success of his crossover album “In a Metal Mood”, we present to you “Pat Boone: Fear of a White Planet: My Favorite Rap Hits” It features everything from the best of old school...

H: I like big butts, and I cannot lie, you other brothers can’t deny.

J: To new school...

H: What is the approximate location of my dogs currently? Throw your hands upwards into the air, and wave them around as if there were no repercussions!

J: And, of course, the rap classics...

H: Fuck the police, coming straight out the underground, a young cracker got it good ‘cause I’m white.

J: And all of today’s hits...

H: I’m Pat Boone, yes I am Pat Boone, all you other Pat Boone’s are just imitating, so won’t the real Pat Boone please stand up.

J: Order today and receive a free copy of Marilyn Manson and his Jesus Pals singing their smash new album, “Love That God”.

H+J: CUT!!

J: Earlier this evening, a young man was arrested in connection with being black.

H+J: CUT!!!

H: Yes, teacher, I wrote a limerick for class like you assigned. Problem is, it’s a little inappropriate.

J: Well then, whenever a part is inappropriate, just say “blank”.

H: OK, here goes. Blank blank blank blank, blank blank blank blank. Blank blank blank blank blank, blank blank blank blank blank, blank fuck blank blank blank blank blank blank.

H+J: CUT!!!

J: The item on every Aryan's Christmas wish-list, Hitler’s E-Z Bake Oven!

H: Order now, and we’ll include a copy of the smash hit teenie-bopper movie “10 Things I Hate About Jew”

H+J: Cut!!!

J: Dear diary: what I liked best about the date was when we had sex.

J&H: CUT!!!

H: And now a word from our sponsors...

J: (Jamaican Accent) Yah, I keep it real. Call Miss Cleo!

H: Uh, yeah, is this Miss Cleo?

J: Yah man, I keep it real. This is now $14 a minute.

H: But the commercial said it was free!

J: The cards sense some unhappiness in your life.

H: OH...MY...GOD!!!! You’re RIGHT!

J: I sense you’ve had problems with women in the past.

H: It’s like you have known me my entire life!

J: I keep it real.

J&H: CUT!!

H: I’m Wilfred Brimley. Check your damned blood sugar!

J&H: CUT!!

J: Is that a new cologne, Howard?

H: Yes it is. I got it about a week ago. It’s called Clinique Happy.

J: Clinique Happy? What the hell kind of a name is that for a cologne?

H: I dunno. I guess they just thought that Clinique Suicidal wouldn’t sell that well.

J: Oh, like those Manic-Depressive Meals they used to sell at McDonalds?

J&H: CUT!!

J: As I see it, sex is a race to achieve orgasm. And so far I’m undefeated!!

J&H: CUT!!

J: Hey, Howard... meet my new dog.

H: Awwww... who’s dat puppy? Who’s dat pupp...AAAAAUGH!!! It’s BITING MY HAND! (runs around, screaming and waving the hand that the dog is attached to)

J: (monotone: oblivious to the fact that the dog is biting Howard’s hand) Yeah, I like it too. I got it at the Animal Shelter. It cost $30, but then I had to get a license and tags and stuff for it, so truth be told it actually ended up costing more. Then I brought it home. I have never seen a dog wag its tail so much before. Did you know that dog backwards spells god? Kind of like how if you replace one letter in the word Elves, you get Elvis. Creepy.

H: (still running and screaming)

J: So anyway, I was buying food for Nummy Muffin Cocoa Butter, that’s what I named him, and I was talking to the kid at the groCery store about what kind of food to get him. The dog, not the kid at the groCery store. He said dogs like Purina, because it keeps their coats nice and shiny and provides them with essential vitamins and nutrients that help make strong doggy bodies. I told him I want a strong doggy body too, and that I always feel better when my coat is nice and shiny. He looked at me funny. It was about that time that I realized that the young boy at the grocery store wasn’t a young grocery store worker after all! It was actually an alien! And, by alien, I mean gumball machine at the airport. I had eaten some spoiled meat for lunch, so I was hallucinating. Lunch is my favorite meal...

J&H: CUT!! (both rush back, only to sit for a while and pretend to be winded) CUT!!

H: History of the World, Part 1: Colonization.

J: Hey Howard... you see that plot of land here?

H: Yeah.

J: That’s “mine” now. I “own” it. Get off it.

H: Yeah, well who says I want your crappy-ass land anyway? You see that other piece of land down there? Yeah, that’s... um... “mine”.

J&H: CUT!!

H: History of the World Part 2: Invention of Applesauce.

J: Hey, you know that plot of land you were just talking about?

H: Yeah.

J: I’ll trade you my applesauce for it.

J&H: CUT!!

J: Two things I want to know about Dr Dre: 1. How many crimes he’s actually committed, and 2. Just exactly where he got his doctorate.

H: Yeah, and how the hell did Sir Mix A Lot ever get knighted?

J&H: CUT!!

H: Ward, weren’t you a little hard on the beaver last night?

J&H: CUT!!

H: Today’s show was brought to you by the letter “B”, the number 7...

J: And our good friends at Phillip Morris.

J&H: CUT!!

J: (pretending to be writing/typing) Hey, these things we’re writing are funny.

H: Yeah, but we don’t have a plot.

J: We NEVER have a plot!

H: Aw hell. I’m sure we’ll come up with one later.

J&H: CUT!!

"Short Attention Span Theatre" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"Short Attention Span Theatre" debuted March 30, 2001, performed by Jesse Wozniak & Howard Zimmerle.

Performed at Best of No Shame on April 27, 2001.

Performed at No Shame Charleston on February 14, 2003 by Aiden Feore and Will Cavedo.

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