Howard: It has been brought to my attention that many of our plays follow a formula of sorts. Therefore to mock our playwriting skills, we have distributed Bingo cards to Mark and Neil. Each card has a number of cliches from our past plays instead of numbers. Whoever wins will get... nothing. Sorry. Ready Mark and Neil? Here goes.

Jesse: (walks in, has glass Coke bottle stuck on his tongue) Help! I got this bottle stuck on my tongue!

Howard: Have you tried pulling it off?

Jesse: (tries, succeeds) Screw you.

Howard: May I ask why you had that on your tongue?

Jesse: Never mind. And the one on my penis really hurts!

Neil: Gratuitous penile reference within the first 30 seconds!

Howard: Ummm... OK. I won’t ask. Wait. Hold on. Where the hell are we going? What’s a BOWELING alley?

Neil: Joke blatantly stolen from the Simpsons!

Jesse: A what?

Howard: Look at the sign! Cedar Falls Boweling Alley.

Jesse: Bowling. Bowling alley. You have been in a bowling league for 8 weeks now and you just... thought... what the hell did you think? Seriously? Boweling? What the hell is that? Did you eat a retard sandwich for lunch today? You’re a retard. A fat retard. Fatty fat fat retardy fat. (Looks at audience) Isn’t he just a fat retard? Look at you, you fatty fat fat fat (jiggles Howard’s belly).

Howard: Stop that. Let’s just get our bowl on.

Mark: Really stupid slang, plus joke ripped off of Family Guy. 2 points!

Jesse: I’m pumped baby, I’m pumped. All I need is to bowl a 300 and we will pull into the lead in our league.

Howard: 300 baby and we’re in first place! Woo!

Jesse: I believe I established that.

Neil: Plot ripped off from Luke Pingel!

Howard and Jesse: (begin taking turns bowling)

Howard: Oh, have I told you the latest story about my roommate? He sleeps with a stuffed bunny! He’s 18 years old, but still sleeps with a stupid stuffed animal every night.

Jesse: I’m your roommate... ass. And Mr. Bunrab rocks! Get off Mr. Bunrab!

Howard: Sorry. Hey, did you see me at that party last night? I was REALLY drunk. Usually I just like to drink to get buzzed.

Jesse: Everyone always says “I just social drink, or I just drink to get buzzed or relaxed.” Screw that. I like to drink until I puke. I don’t know why, I just like to puke. Either that or I drink to get into drunk driving accidents. You know that cute little girl on the billboard?

Howard: Yeah.

Jesse: Killed her.

Neil: Extremely inappropriate joke!

Jesse: I had another billboard once, with a family of four I killed. I guess I just thought I could do better.

Howard: I know how you feel.

Jesse: Hey, did you hear about the new pirate movie?

Howard: No.

Jesse: It’s rated “Arrgh”. Get it? (laughs hysterically)

Howard: Jesse, that’s the gayest thing I’ve ever heard. And I’ve been to an Elton John concert.

Mark: Inappropriate and offensive use of the word gay.

Jesse: You went to an Elton John concert?? (laughs hysterically again)

Howard: Hey, Elton John rocks. Get the fuck off Elton John!

Jesse: Sorry.

Neil: Running joke!

Howard: Anyway, I was talking about the party I was at last night. I was talking to this girl, and one thing led to another and well, I kinda cheated on my girlfriend.

Jesse: You can’t “kinda cheat” on your girlfriend. It’s like being dead or pregnant. You can’t be “kinda dead” or “kinda pregnant”.

Mark: Stupid discussion about semantics and word usage!

Howard: Pregnant?? PREGNANT? What if the girl I was with last night got pregnant?

Jesse: You had sex with her?

Howard: No, we just made out.

Jesse: So how the hell could she be pregnant?? There’s no way!

Howard: Well, I don’t know. I’m just worried about it.

Jesse: OK. Howard, you’re stupid. Don’t you remember that you’re a fat retard? (like “remember when daddy hit the referee?” Questioningly) Fatty fat fat fat, retardy fat, fatty retard retard fat fat retard? (jiggles Howard’s belly again)

Howard: God damn it! Will you stop that?

Jesse: Sorry. As I was saying, the chances of you getting a girl pregnant by making out with her are about the same as me going to the bathroom and crapping out my heart. I suppose it could happen, but you don’t hear me sitting there going “Oh, what if I take a crap today and my heart comes out my ass?” No. It just isn’t going to happen.

Howard: I guess you’re right. I still feel really bad about it. Maybe I should tell my girlfriend that I cheated on her.

Mark: Showing that Howard may, indeed have a heart somewhere!

Jesse: What??? Are you crazy? You couldn’t possibly accomplish anything by telling her that. All you do is get in a lot of trouble plus make her feel bad. You don’t want to make her feel bad, do you? No! So don’t tell her.

Howard: I don’t know. I still think telling her would be the right thing to do.

Jesse: OK, here’s what you do. You don’t tell her. You don’t tell her. First, before you don’t tell her, you don’t tell her. Then you don’t tell her. Then, after you don’t tell her, you, oh wait, you don’t have to worry about that because you didn’t tell her.

Howard: So you’re saying I shouldn’t tell her.

Jesse: Ding ding ding!!! Hot dog we have a wiener! What do we have for our contestant today? Oh, a girlfriend because he didn’t tell her that he was a cheating scumbag!

Neil: Proof that the plot was added later, after all of the jokes and dialogue!

Howard: Jesse... have you realized you have gotten a strike every time so far? Only two more to go and you get a 300 and win the league championship!

Jesse: What are you, the narrator? Thanks for jinxing me, asshole.

Mark: Meager attempt to re-find the weak and stolen plot!

Howard: Did I tell you that my girlfriend voted for George W Bush?

Jesse: Really? What did you do about it?

Howard: Punched her in the face. That’ll teach her to have her own views on things.

Mark: Making fun of George Bush!

Jesse: Here it is, where the men are men and the sheep are nervous... I mean the boys are men... I mean the men are boys...I mean the men like boys...I mean I like boys, I mean... never mind. All I know is that this will the first championship I’ve ever won in any sport! I am the sporting king!

Howard: Is bowling really a sport though? I mean, hell. You can drink beer while you bowl. Try doing that in football.

Jesse: I did that once. Remember how I got kicked off of the 7th grade team?

Howard: (laughing) Oh yeah... that cheerleader will never be the same.

Jesse: No kidding. Well, here goes (bowls). Steeeeerike! Wooo-hoo!!!!

Howard: Weeeee are the champions (singing). (Howard and Jesse do “manly chest bump” or McGwire homer stomach punch, depending on what the mood dictates)

Guy: Gentlemen, I present you with the league trophy to have and to hold until next year when we have more than one team. Jesse... I only have one thing to say. You ARE the true king of boweling.

Neil: BINGO!!!

"No Shame Bingo" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"No Shame Bingo" debuted March 2, 2001, performed by Jesse Wozniak, Howard Zimmerle, Neil Van Gorder, Mark Watkins and some guy.

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