Governor Shrub: Hi, I’m George W Shrub, here with my running mate Dick Cheney, to fill you in on some details about the recent events surrounding the election. You know what amazes me about America? (pause) That AFLAC duck from them commercials. (ala “He’s DRINKING the WATER!!!”) How did they get him to say AFLAC?? It must have taken YEARS to find a duck that could do that! But I digress. What really amazes me about this country is the (pronouncing slowly) au-da-ci-ty... look, me use big word... see, I not retard...of Vice President Sore and his running mate Joseph Loserman (loserman said ala Mr. Burns “boogerman”) concerning this election. They actually think votes should count! What jerks! (mocking) “votes should count, I’m a sore loser, wah, wah, wah.” But I would like to thank you, the American people, for electing me and keeping a Jew out of the White House. Seriously, people. What were you thinking?

Dick Cheney: (has heart attack, falls on floor)

Shrub: Ummm... are you OK Dick?

Cheney: Did you just call me a dick?

Shrub: No, I used your name. Dick. Dick is your name.

Cheney: Oh. Well, I’m OK.

Shrub: Ummmm... OK. My first act as president will be...

Cheney: Don’t you mean president elect? You’re not actually president yet.

Shrub: So? I shouldn’t be the president elect either. What the hell’s your point?

Cheney: (acts like he’s having a heart attack and then suddenly stops) oops. False alarm. Must be that jumbalaya comin’ back.

Shrub: Good for you. Well, I thought I should reiterate some of my policies and my rationale behind them. First, I am opposed to abortion. So opposed, in fact, that my first act in office will be to put aborted fetuses BACK into the wombs of unwed mothers. Second, I support school vouchers. It is my belief that failing schools should continue to fail, and the minimal financial support given to them should be reduced even further. Poor people don’t deserve an equal education. Third, due to the overwhelming success of the death penalty, I propose that it should be expanded to include further crimes, such as rape, arson, theft, driving without a license, being gay, etc. Fourth, I support posting the 10 commandments in all schools and government buildings, as well as requiring prayer in the public schools. This way Jews, Muslims (pronounce “mooo-slims”) Hindus, and Atheists alike can be forced to worship Jesus Christ. Finally... (interrupted)

Cheney: (has another heart attack, this one louder and more violent) AAAUGH! It BURNS, it burns...

Shrub: Uh, Dick? How many heart attacks have you had... today?

Cheney: (getting up) I believe that makes a baker’s dozen, George.

Shrub: Shouldn’t you get that checked out or something?

Cheney: Nuts to that. When it’s your time to go, it’s your time to go.

Shrub: Well, if your time to go comes while serving as Veep, I have a backup plan. I have appointed the first ever VICE-vice president. This way, if Cheney is no longer able to fulfill his duties, there will be someone ready and waiting to take over. Let’s give a round of applause to our new vice-vice president, former 80’s child star Gary Coleman!

Sir Gary Coleman: (must be played by a white woman) Whatch u talking bout George!

Shrub: Isn’t that precious?

Cheney: Um, George? That isn’t Gary Coleman.

Shrub: Quiet, you.

Cheney: No, seriously. Gary Coleman is a midget. And black. And a male.

Sir Gary Coleman: Actually, I’m technically not a midget. I was just born without kidneys.

Shrub: Shut up you. Well, as you can see, our administration still has a few issues to work out. Just be reassured that everything is in good hands. As they say in Spanish “J’ai des bons bons pour vous mangez.”

Cheney: Um, sir? That was French... and all you said was “We have candy for you to eat.”

Shrub: Yes. Right. Well, what I meant by that was... ummm... good night everyone!

Cheney: (has another heart attack.)

"Coping With Electile Dysfunction" debuted December 1, 2000, performed by Howard Zimmerle & Jesse Wozniak.

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