Announcer: Welcome to social intercourse. Deep into the political campaigns, people continually say they’re tired of jargon. However, without jargon, people would be continuously saying what they think, and that would be terrible! To avoid such sticky situations, you need to know social intercourse. Here is a common situation, in which one of our social puppets is about to make a bad mistake after his girlfriend tells him she’s pregnant. Watch.

Guy: Shit. FUCK! Where is your crochet hook?

Announcer: (ala doctor Hibbert) Heh, heh, that is terrible. Definitely the wrong question to ask. What he should have said was this.

Guy: Shit. FUCK! Where is a wire hanger?

Announcer: Everyone knows that wire hangers are better for do it yourself abortions than crochet hooks. Seriously though, if you want a truly professional feel to your drunken back alley abortion, try Phillip Morris’s Home Abortion kit, purchased at any drug store, department store, children’s clothing store, or religious bookstore. But back to our show. Here’s another situation between a man and a woman that just isn’t handled correctly.

This involves cheating on your girlfriend. You don’t mean to, but it happens. So how do you tell her? Not like this.

Guy:(dials telephone and speaks into said imaginary telephone) Sarah? Yes, it’s me. Where’s my penis? Oh, it’s in your sister!!!

Announcer: Terrible, just terrible. If he had any dignity or loving respect for his girlfriend, he would’ve said...

Guy:(on telephone again) Sarah? Yeah, it’s me. Where’s my penis? Oh, it’s in your mother!!

Announcer: Now, in this situation, Howard is about to walk into his dorm room, only to find out his roommate’s parents are there. Watch as a sticky situation unfolds.

Howard: HEY!!!! I GOT ME A SIX PACK, SOME WEED, AND NOW I’M GONNA’ FUCK ME SOME BISHES!!!!!! Oh, hi Mrs. Wozniak.

Announcer: Here’s how it should have taken place.

Howard: Hello Mrs. Wozniak. How are you today. That’s great. I am great as well. Would you like to know why??? CAUSE I GOT ME A SIX PACK, SOME WEED, AND NOW I’M GONNA’ FUCK ME SOME BISHES!

Announcer: Much better. Everyone knows it is only proper to introduce yourself and inquire about the well being of others before one is to talk about oneself. Here’s a good example of what to do when someone on the street inquires as to whether or not you’ve accepted Jesus Christ as you savoir.

Guy: Sorry, I didn’t hear you. I was to busy bathing myself in cow’s blood while worshiping my pagan gods.

Announcer: Of course that’s wrong. Everyone knows Christianity is the one true religion. If not, why would we have had to kill all of those damn Indians? What he should have said was this...

Guy: What?!? There’s a Christian religion? Why didn’t anyone ever tell me? All these years the right religion was just staring me in the face, and all it took for me to whole-heartedly accept is was someone I don’t even know asking me about it! Too bad no one ever thought of putting this stuff on bumper stickers, because that would convert people even faster!

Announcer: Have you ever had a girlfriend or significant other ask you what you’re really thinking??? Don’t ever do it because it might sound a little like this.

Guy: Sex, sex, sex, beer food, food sex beer food sex food sex food sex football.

Announcer: The practical joke. One of man’s greatest inventions, and simultaneously, pitfalls. After performing a practical joke, one should always inform the other person on what went on, so they don’t slash at their skin to try and get the bugs out. Watch and learn.

Guy: Hey Bob! Look, I gotta’ tell you something. I played this practical joke on you. You see, 15 years ago, I found this woman that looks so much like your mom. Well, after a little plastic surgery, she looked exactly like your mom. I then trained her to talk like your mom, and she spied on your mom to learn what she was like. Then I killed your mother and replaced her with this imposter! So for the last 10 years, your real mom has been rotting in my basement, while some stranger has been acting like your mom. Isn’t that hilarious?!?

Announcer: What the fuck? Anyway...where was I? Oh yes, commercials. In terms of social intercourse, commercials are the orgy’s. Here is what a commercial shouldn’t say

Guy: Buy a phallic symbol, the biggest S. U. V. on the market. It will make up for your small penis!!!

Announcer: Of course people don’t want to know why they’re buying something they don’t need . You have to tell them something that makes no sense, but justifies their stupidity.

Guy: (commercial voice) Buy the phallic symbol...(questioningly)...you never know when the McDonalds drive through is going to be moved into the mountains?

Announcer: Finally, never try to get cheap laughs or applause by using cheap shenanigans, tomfoolery, or vulgarity.

Guy: Welcome to NO SHAME WOOOOOOO!!! Is anyone here from U. N. I.? Who let the dogs out? Who, who, who, who, who? Fucking god damn shit cocksucker!!

Announcer: That’s just stupid. Who would use dumb tactics like swearing or sexual innuendos just for laughs? Tch, tch, tch. Terrible. Well, that’s the game of speech. Happy intercourse.

"Social Intercourse" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"Social Intercourse" debuted October 20, 2000, performed by Howard Zimmerle & Jesse Wozniak.

---

[Back to Library]