Long Dong Silver

By Howard Zimmerle

LIGHTS UP

Dad: (sitting in chair with a pipe and the newspaper) My only son… back from college for the first time.

Son: Why do you keep saying that dad? That’s really weird.

Dad: Back from college for the first time.

Mom (enters): Son, I’ve been doing your laundry, and I noticed that I haven’t seen any of your jockey shorts. Have you stopped wearing jockey shorts?

Son: What? Jockey shorts?

Dad: Tighty Whities, son. Briefs.

Son: Uh, yeah, I wear boxers now.

Mom: I saw all of them in your basket today… is it because you don’t have enough jockey shorts? Because you have a whole drawer full here at home.

Son: No, I just wear boxers now… jeez mom, do we have to talk about this?

Mom: It’s just that your father wears briefs because he likes the support. Don’t you like the extra support?

Dad: Yeah son. Support.

Son: I just, yeah, can we talk about something else?

Mom: Well your father likes the fact that jockey shorts hug his package… I couldn’t imagine what it feels like to have your testicles just basically hanging free down there.

Son: Mom, I really don’t want to talk about this with my parents. It’s embarrassing.

Mom: Did you change to boxer shorts because you’re gay?

Son: WHAT??

Mom: I knew it was because you’re gay. And I always wanted grandchildren. Maybe you and your boyfriend can adopt someday.

Son: I’m not gay, Mom! Is this just because I wear boxers?

Mom: Well you haven’t brought a girl home since your sophomore homecoming dance, and even she wasn’t that pretty. Plus, I don’t know, you’ve just always seemed gay to me. Ed, back me up on this.

Dad: Face it son, you’re a total flamer.

Son: What??? Guys, I’m NOT GAY!!! I actually have a date tonight. With a girl. She should be coming over in a couple minutes.

Dad: Are you going to lay the pipe in her son?

Son: Oh my God, Dad, I can’t believe you just said that.

Dad: Do you know the test, son?

Son: (ashamed) What test, Dad?

Dad: You put your hands like this (has thumbtips together, thumbs and pinkies extended as far as possible). Then you put them next to her ass… if your hands extended like this are wider than her ass, she’s girlfriend material. That’s how I knew your mother was a keeper.

Son: Uh, thanks for the advice, I guess. But seriously, I have really big hands, and well (does hand thing) this would make damn near every girl out there girlfriend material. I mean, I could date, like, Oprah or something.

Mom: Wow son, you do have really big hands. You know what they say about guys with really big hands, right? I wonder… does that mean that you’re… equipped?

Son: MOM!!!

Mom: It’s just that… your father is really well hung, and I was curious if it ran in the family.

Son: Oh my God.

Dad: Maybe that’s why he switched to boxers, honey.

Mom: Seriously though, your dad has a really huge penis. I’ve slept with a lot of guys, believe me, but your father was at least a couple inches bigger than all of them.

Son: Mom, I don’t want to hear this!!!

Dad: Show him the tape.

Mom: (puts “videotape” in “vcr”)

Son: The… tape? Oh no.

Mom: Back in the 1970’s your father was a porno movie star under the name Long Dong Silver.

Son: Oh dear God. Don’t tell me you’re making me watch a porno that stars my father.

Dad: There are millions of them out there. See son, that’s how straight people like me and your mother have sex. On screen you’re seeing a woman named Marilyn Chambers. She was quite the big star back in the day.

Son: I’m not watching this!!

(doorbell rings)

Son: Oh God, here’s my date. (runs and lets her in)

Girl: Hi! Are you ready?

Son: Yeah, let’s go… no need to go inside.

Girl: But I want to meet your parents. (walks in to see parents still watching the porno) Are you guys… watching pornography?

Dad: Sure am. Sit down, grab a soda and come watch with us.

Son: Dad, no!

Girl: Hey, is that your dad on screen? He has a really big penis!! Is that real?

Dad: Sure is, Queer Son’s Girlfriend.

Son: I’m not queer!

Girl: And I’m not his girlfriend!

Mom: You know, if you’re curious, you can come in the bedroom with us, and you can see that penis up close.

Son: WHAT??

Girl: I’d love to!!

Son: You’re leaving me to go have sex with my DAD??

Girl: Well he’s hung like a horse! And besides, you’re gay anyway, right?

Mom: And I’ll be there, so it’s ok!

(Girl, Dad, and Mom start to walk offstage)

Son: Has everyone gone crazy? What the hell?? (puts head in hands in frustration)

Girl (as everyone walks out, to Dad): Nice briefs!

Dad: They’re jockey shorts. Gives me the support I need.

Lights Down.