copyright © 2002 Howard Zimmerle

A New Low

Jesse: (talking to Howard while Howard is in prison) So tell me again why youíre in jail?

Howard: Well, I was walking along the street, right, when some kid in a wheelchair tries to steal the purse I was carrying.

Jesse: Why were you carrying a purse?


Girlfriend: Howard, hold my purse.

Howard: OK.

(present time)

Jesse: So that still doesnít explain why you were carrying it down the street.


Girlfriend: Now walk down the street with my purse.

Howard: OK.

(present time)

Jesse: Ummm, OK. So alright, youíre walking down the street with your girlfriendís purse like the pussy-whipped little bitch you are...

Howard: Hey, people who are pussy-whipped tend to get laid more. I read it in a book once.

Jesse: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasnít NOTHING?

Howard: Fuck you.

Jesse: So back to your story. Youíre walking with your purse when, what?

Howard: This guy in a wheelchair came up and...


(Howard is walking when someone in a wheelchair comes up and tries to steal his purse, then wheels away)

Howard: Hey, gimme that back! Fucker! (Howard gives chase, catches up to wheelchair guy, throws him out of his wheelchair and beats him up. Then he steals his wheelchair and runs away).

(present time)

Howard: And thatís when the cops came. I will admit, it must have looked pretty bad.

Jesse: Must have looked pretty bad? YOU STOLE SOMEONEíS WHEELCHAIR! He was lying there trying to move his paralyzed lower torso, frantically flailing for help and you say it MUST HAVE LOOKED PRETTY BAD?

Howard: Yeah, but he tried to steal my purse!

Jesse: You mean her purse.

Howard: Whatever.

Jesse: I still donít see how this kid thought he would get away with it. What did he think he was gonna do, sprout some working legs and run away? I mean what the fuck? Doesnít matter though, two wrongs still donít make a right, Howard.

Howard: Yeah they do.

Jesse: Two wrongs donít make a right!

Howard: You donít make a right!

Jesse: Hey, Iím not the one in jail.

Howard: Youíre in jail.

Jesse: Have the ass-rapings had an effect on your brain or what?

Cop 1: Zimmerle! Time for your questioning!

Jesse: Good luck, dude.

Howard: Thanks.

Cop 1: So where were you on April 17th?

Howard: I was walking down the street when...

Cop 1: Donít smart off to me, smart guy! Iíll show you what punks like you deserve! (picks up a chair and starts beating Howard with it)

Cop 2: Woah, woah, woah.... hold up Marty. Turns out that wheelchair kid tried to steal another purse. This guyís story checks out .

Cop 1: Fuck. Well, I guess you can go now. (hits Howard over the head with a chair again.)

(fast forward)

Howard: About damned time Iím out of here. Nothing but clean living for me. (New guy in wheelchair rolls by, Howard thinks for a second) Ah, what the hell. (Runs up to wheelchair guy, tips his chair, beats him up and runs away with the wheelchair, laughing maniacally.)


"A New Low" debuted April 5, 2002, performed by Howard Zimmerle, Jesse Wozniak, Bridget Eggers, Jeff Lenhart, Jeff Dorothy.

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