Boss: Ah, thanks for coming in.

Howard: Can we make this quick? I’ve got this Jenna Jamison movie downloading in my office and it should be done anytime.

Boss: As you know, this is your bi-annual job performance evaluation. As I understand it you’ve been with this firm for 6 months now.

Howard: Firm? No, I just got that way a few minutes ago from that Jenna Jamison thing.

Boss: I’m afraid I don’t understand what you’re talking about.

Howard: This one time, I took swimming lessons (pause).

Boss: Well, let’s get down to business. I forgot, what was your job title again?

Howard: My who in the what now?

Boss: Your job title.

Howard: Whoa, slow down there, Chief. We don’t all have fancy “associate degrees” in “liberal arts”. Some of us have no idea what the hell a “job title” or whatever you said even is. You fucking rich hippies with your 5 figure salaries, your Nissans and your Royal Crown cola. You make me wanna retch.

Boss: OK... let me put this simply. Your job... title... is what you do... at work... every day.

Howard: You mean jerk off in the break room?

Boss: I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.

Howard: Are you hitting on me?

Boss: Heavens no! I’m a happily married man!

Howard: Because if you were I wouldn’t have to take it you know. I don’t need you to try and ruin my precious flower.

Boss: Let’s just more on. Do you have any goals for the remaining fiscal year?

Howard: I really wanna bang that new secretary.

Boss: Anything more... substantial?

Howard: I don’t go for fat chicks, dude.

Boss: I meant something related to the company.

Howard: Present company? Sorry, but I’m not banging you dude. I know how these casting couch shenanigans work, and I won’t stand for it. And stop grabbing my ass!

Boss: I’m not gay, I didn’t grab your ass, and I’m certainly not hitting on you! Now please! No more shenanigans, no more tomfoolery, no more ballyhoo.

Howard: This one time, I saw this dog (pause).

Boss: Let me be blatantly honest.

Howard: Well then let me be Keanu Reeves. “Morpheus. Whoah.”

Boss: You really have no idea what you’re doing here, do you?

Howard: Who says any of us do? Are we put here just to subdue the earth, or do we have a larger purpose in life? Don’t tell me you’ve never had a day when you didn’t know why you went to work in the morning. I just have that every day.

Boss: So why should I continue to keep you employed here?

Howard: Because I’m a simple guy. Most people here are money hungry wolves, just trying to move up the corporate ladder. They’re vultures, and are just waiting for the opportune moment to swipe down and take your job. One slipup by you and one of these guys has your job and you go back to busing tables at Phat Burger. I, on the other hand, am content with downloading porn and putting Everclear in the water cooler. I don’t want your job and I’ll be damned if I ever take it. I may not help the company by spearheading great plans, making a lot of sales, or having body odor that isn’t revolting. But I’m no threat to you, and that’s gotta be worth something. (pause) Plus you keep trying to grab my ass.

Boss: I’m not trying to grab your ass!!! (pause) But you have a point. Congratulations, you get to keep your job. In fact, I might even throw in a case of Royal Crown cola for your trouble.

"The Hand Job, Part Deux" debuted January 25, 2002.

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