copyright © 2002 Howard Zimmerle

The Hand Job, Part Deux, or So Itís Come to This, a No Shame Sequel

Boss: Ah, thanks for coming in.

Howard: Can we make this quick? Iíve got this Jenna Jamison movie downloading in my office and it should be done anytime.

Boss: As you know, this is your bi-annual job performance evaluation. As I understand it youíve been with this firm for 6 months now.

Howard: Firm? No, I just got that way a few minutes ago from that Jenna Jamison thing.

Boss: Iím afraid I donít understand what youíre talking about.

Howard: This one time, I took swimming lessons (pause).

Boss: Well, letís get down to business. I forgot, what was your job title again?

Howard: My who in the what now?

Boss: Your job title.

Howard: Whoa, slow down there, Chief. We donít all have fancy ďassociate degreesĒ in ďliberal artsĒ. Some of us have no idea what the hell a ďjob titleĒ or whatever you said even is. You fucking rich hippies with your 5 figure salaries, your Nissans and your Royal Crown cola. You make me wanna retch.

Boss: OK... let me put this simply. Your job... title... is what you do... at work... every day.

Howard: You mean jerk off in the break room?

Boss: Iím going to pretend I didnít hear that.

Howard: Are you hitting on me?

Boss: Heavens no! Iím a happily married man!

Howard: Because if you were I wouldnít have to take it you know. I donít need you to try and ruin my precious flower.

Boss: Letís just more on. Do you have any goals for the remaining fiscal year?

Howard: I really wanna bang that new secretary.

Boss: Anything more... substantial?

Howard: I donít go for fat chicks, dude.

Boss: I meant something related to the company.

Howard: Present company? Sorry, but Iím not banging you dude. I know how these casting couch shenanigans work, and I wonít stand for it. And stop grabbing my ass!

Boss: Iím not gay, I didnít grab your ass, and Iím certainly not hitting on you! Now please! No more shenanigans, no more tomfoolery, no more ballyhoo.

Howard: This one time, I saw this dog (pause).

Boss: Let me be blatantly honest.

Howard: Well then let me be Keanu Reeves. ďMorpheus. Whoah.Ē

Boss: You really have no idea what youíre doing here, do you?

Howard: Who says any of us do? Are we put here just to subdue the earth, or do we have a larger purpose in life? Donít tell me youíve never had a day when you didnít know why you went to work in the morning. I just have that every day.

Boss: So why should I continue to keep you employed here?

Howard: Because Iím a simple guy. Most people here are money hungry wolves, just trying to move up the corporate ladder. Theyíre vultures, and are just waiting for the opportune moment to swipe down and take your job. One slipup by you and one of these guys has your job and you go back to busing tables at Phat Burger. I, on the other hand, am content with downloading porn and putting Everclear in the water cooler. I donít want your job and Iíll be damned if I ever take it. I may not help the company by spearheading great plans, making a lot of sales, or having body odor that isnít revolting. But Iím no threat to you, and thatís gotta be worth something. (pause) Plus you keep trying to grab my ass.

Boss: Iím not trying to grab your ass!!! (pause) But you have a point. Congratulations, you get to keep your job. In fact, I might even throw in a case of Royal Crown cola for your trouble.


"The Hand Job, Part Deux" debuted January 25, 2002.

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