Philosophical Cancer

Howard: Hey Jesse... take a study break and come have a cigarette with me.

Jesse: Ooookay... but I don’t smoke and neither do you.

Howard: I know, but it works better for plot development.

(Howard and Jesse light up and begin smoking)

Howard: So I got a flashlight from my Grandma for Christmas once. That was cool.

Jesse: Just a flashlight?

Howard: Just a flashlight.

Jesse: Just a flashlight. Was it at least a nice one?

Howard: No, actually. It was one of those cheap yellow dollar store flashlights. There was no explanation given, just a flashlight wrapped up all nicely in paper and ribbons.

Jesse: Well, it’s the thought that counts, Howard.

Howard: But what kind of thought did she put into that? Was she worried that I had something that desperately needed to be illuminated? It boggles the mind.

Jesse: Wanna know something else that boggles the mind? I watched the Rudolph Christmas special last night. I was waiting the whole time for Hermie, you know, the little elf who wanted to be a dentist? I was waiting for him to move to San Francisco and reveal that Hermie is actually short for hermaphrodite.

Howard: Here we go.

Jesse: It’s all about the white man oppressing minorities and anyone who’s different than us. First off, Santa didn’t let poor little gay Hermie work with the other elves just like the United States doesn’t let gays into the military.

Howard: That’s bullshit. Santa didn’t even talk to Hermie. All the decisions were made by the, I don’t know what you call it, the boss elf; the Ollie North to Santa’s Ronald Reagan. Second off, he didn’t give Hermie the boot because he putted from the rough, he fired him because he didn’t do the work that was required of him. He refused to go to elf practice. He made dentist dolls. No one wants fucking dentist dolls. If Hermie had done what he was supposed to instead of spending all of his time promoting his own agenda, he would still have a job. Voila, hate crime averted.

Jesse: How can you be so blind? The entire thing is an allegory for how the white man oppresses the black man. Here we have Jolly White Santa wearing his HOOD, with his CLAN of elves in the fertile crescent of the Aryan nation, the north pole. First he oppresses Gay Hermie, forcing him to be a puppet of his own white, straight, protestant agenda.

Howard: It’s not just protestant. Santa delivers to Catholics too.

Jesse: But does he deliver to Jews? When was the last time he put something in a Muslim’s stocking? If someone refuses to mindlessly adapt to Santa the white devil’s way of life at a young age, sanctions are imposed against him. And God forbid if someone is born differently. Look at Rudolph. He was denied employment because of his red nose, just like how blacks are denied employment every day because of the color of their skin.

(pause)

Howard: Have you ever noticed that if you change one letter in “Elves”, you get “Elvis”? Creepy, isn’t it.

Jesse: You’re a dumbass. You know, this cigarette we’re smoking is taking seven minutes off our lives.

Howard: True. Think about that though... those seven minutes would be taken off the END of your life, where you’d probably be pissing yourself in a retirement home. Do you really need seven more minutes of senility and incontinence?

Jesse: Point taken.

Howard: Did you know that someone is hit by a drunk driver once every 3.8 seconds?

Jesse: Really?

Howard: Yeah. His name is Matthew H. Koufax, and reportedly he deserves it.

Bah-Dum-Ching.

Jesse: You know, Howard, you get less funny every day. Seriously.

Howard: The drunk driver thing reminds me of a guy I met once. He was a cab driver in Fort Dodge, and he was telling me this story about how he used to work for NASA. Supposedly he invented a machine that would punch holes in ceramic or something like that. It was a revolutionary machine, but he got fired from NASA for having a bad attitude. Now he drives cab.

Jesse: I have a pretty good bullshit detector, and that story’s scoring off the charts.

Howard: I have a good one too, but I don’t think he’s full of it. Know why? Which is more sad of a figure: some nobody cab driver in Podunk Iowa who makes up stories to make himself look bigger, or someone who had the brains and the talent to work for NASA but got fired for his attitude and now is driving a taxi and wallowing in what should have been?

Jesse: Good point.

Howard: It’s just like the birdseed factory I worked at this summer. Everyone I worked with liked me, but at the end of the summer when I left, they told me never to come back. I was a little put off until they explained that they only said that because they knew that they would have to work in that factory for the rest of their lives. I, on the other hand, had the tools to get out. It would have been a travesty (although they didn’t use the word travesty) to see me still working there when I was 50.

Jesse: How does this relate?

Howard: It’s very simple. Everyone has natural skills and talents in this world, from inventing something that would punch holes in ceramic to having a glowing red nose, to wanting to be a dentist. We also have obstacles in our path to self-actualization, be it something small like getting a flashlight for Christmas or something big like being discriminated against for being a fucking gay elf... dumbass. Anyway, Rudolph’s Christmas special had a happy ending, right? Why! Because Rudolph and Hermie didn’t let their obstacles stand in the way of achieving self-actualization. That’s the moral of the story, Jesse. Don’t let stupid obstacles stand in the way of what you want to do. For example, I don’t smoke, but that hasn’t stopped me from standing out here, smoking this thing faithfully. When your life is down to the last puff, just like this cigarette, make sure there are no regrets. (puts out cigarette).

Jesse: Well, thanks for the cigarette. It was very philosophical... and cancerous. I gotta get back to studying.

Howard: Sorry I took your seven minutes.

Jesse: No problem. I just would have been pissing myself anyway.

"Philosophical Cancer" debuted November 30, 2001, performed by Howard Zimmerle and Jesse Wozniak.

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