copyright © 2001 Howard Zimmerle

How Not to Get Laid

Howard: Yeah Mike, tonight’s gonna be awesome. I haven’t been to the bars in forever. Gonna drink some beers, smoke some weed, get some laid.

Mike: Yeah dude. BEERSSSSSS!! LAIDDDDDDD!

Howard: Here’s a good spot at the bar where we can check out the fine-ass bitches.

Mike: BITCHESSSSS!

Howard: Two beers please.

Mike: Here comes a hottie (girl walks by).

Howard: What’s up baby? You have any German in you? Want some? (girl continues to walk by, ignoring Howard and Mike) Oh, I see. Just because I’m “ugly and fat”. Just because I have an “incredibly small penis” and have trouble “controlling my bladder”. Bitch.

Mike: Hey, here’s another one. (another girl walks by) Look at you... all those curves and me with no brakes. (girl ignores him). Oh, you think you’re better than me! I see how it is. Just because you’ve never passed out with beef nachos in your lap and been so drunk you spent ten minutes looking for your visor even though it was on your head.

Howard: Shit dude, look at the rack on her! (another girl walks by). Nice shirt... it would look a lot better on my floor. Oh yeah. Just because I’m a “two pump chump” who won’t “give you an orgasm”. Just cause I “drool in my sleep” and “smell like ass”. Ho.

Mike: How bout that hottie over there? Hey baby... know what would look good on you? Me. Oh yeah, ignore me. Like you’ve never made out with a 34 year old at your friend’s birthday party and not remembered it. Don’t tell me you’ve never gotten so drunk you peed on your dorm room floor and said you were peeing on some guy.

Howard: Hey, you ever noticed that girls like gay guys? Let’s pretend we’re gay so we can get some pootinany.

Mike: Pretend to be gay so you can have heterosexual sex. Makes sense. How far do we have to go with this?

Howard: You’ll do as you’re told. Let’s try it out on this girl right here. WE’RE GAY!!! REALLY GAY!!! REALLY REALLY GAY!

Mike: Yeah! We love the cock. LOVE IT!

Howard: She’s walking away. What a bitch.

Mike: Don’t try to tell me you’ve never given a girl 5 dollars with the only condition being that you can put it in her cleavage with your teeth. Like you’ve never gotten so drunk you tried to smoke a ten dollar bill. Like you’ve never gotten caught peeing in the gas tank of a public safety car. (can improvise if needed)

Howard: Fuck it. These girls are all too uptight. Bitches.

Mike: Yeah. BITCHESSSSS!

Howard: Let’s just go home and smoke some weed and drink some beers.

Mike: BEERSSSSSSS!

"How Not to Get Laid" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"How Not to Get Laid" debuted November 16, 2001, performed by Howard Zimmerle, Mike Collett, Becca Wagoner, Karissa Wikert, Kelly Swanson, Aubrey [?].

[Back to Library] Home