Howard: Amy Malcovitch. From the moment I saw her, I knew she had to be mine. (cut to Howard noticing something, then to Amy in the union, looking gorgeous, possibly windswept hair, then to Howard in union eating oversized chilidog. Cut back to Amy eating similar oversized chilidog)

I saw her the next day, and it turned out we had two classes together. We started talking, getting familiar, spending a lot of time so we could build a relationship, or some understanding. Unfortunately I have always been too dickless to actually do what it takes to get a romantic relationship with her. She is everything I could ever want in a girlfriend and more. She is smart, beautiful, likes my sense of humor, and even watches the Simpsons everyday just like I do. Ah, but we are still just friends. That, my friends, has to change, and soon. Amy is moving at the end of the week, and I won’t be able to live another day unless I tell her how I feel. Now is the time to separate the men from the boys: the John Stamos’ from the rest of Full House. Amy Malcovitch will be mine.

Jesse: (Walks into the room. Stifler-like) Who the fuck are you talking to?

Howard: Uh, nobody.

Jesse: Yeah you were. It was like you were narrating a poorly done teenie bopper flick or something.

Howard: Well, I have a cold, so I have been coughing.

Jesse: And when you cough, it sounds like you’re talking about Amy Malkovitch?

Howard: (Skinner-like) Yes.

Jesse: I see. Speaking about Amy, when are you going to grow a dick and ask her out? She’s moving tomorrow, you know.

Howard: I know, I know. (looks at watch) Oh shit, we’d better get to Jeff’s house. The pre-game comes on in a half hour.

Jesse: Let’s go.

(at Jeff’s house)

Jeff: Hey guys, what’s up?

Jesse: Nada. You?

Jeff: Iowa baby. Game’s starting soon... oh shit, Howard... did I tell you Amy’s coming over in like, 5 minutes?

Howard: My Amy? (freaks out) Ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod....

Jesse: Why the hell is she coming over?

Jeff: I have a class with her and I’m borrowing some notes. Why are you freaking out like that, Howard?

Howard: Dude, you don’t understand. She’s my lobster!

Jeff: Your what hurts? Your lobster? What the fuck?

Howard: Don’t you ever watch friends? I guess lobsters mate for life, and years later you can see elderly lobsters walking along holding each other’s claws.

Jesse: Just be cool man... if you act like yourself, she’ll like you. Don’t freak out.

Howard: You’re right. Don’t freak out, don’t freak out, don’t freak out.

(knock on the door, as Howard screams and ducks behind the chairs)

Jeff: Come in!

Amy: Hey guys! Hi Howard!

Jesse: (to Howard, slyly) Dude, she said hi... she wants you!

Howard: Really? You think?

Amy: Well guys, I’ve gotta get this and run. Some stuff got switched around, so it turns out we have to move today instead of tomorrow?

Howard: Today? Really?

Amy: Yep.

Howard: Oh... (does crying thing) Well... I... guess... I’ll... see... you... later... uhhh...ummm...sniffles.

Jeff: Well that sucks. See ya!

Amy: I guess I’ll see you around! Bye guys!

Jeff and Jesse: Bye!

(Amy leaves)

Howard: She’s gone. She’s...all...gone!

Jesse: Now’s your chance numbnuts! Tell her how you feel! It might not help, but this could be one of those things that you regret for the rest of your life.

Jeff: Yeah. Go get her and stuff. Besides, the game starts in a couple minutes and I don’t feel like putting up with your whiny ass. (mocking) Guys, she’s my lobster... I just wanna dip her in butter or some shit. Just be a man and go after her! Schnell!!

Howard: OK... Here goes nothing (eats entire package or Tic-Tacs and storms out the door).

Jesse: He’s fucked.

Jeff: Totally.

Howard: Amy!!! Wait up!!

Amy: What is it?

Howard: (hurries) Moving... lobster... Simpsons... love... you... Tic Tacs burning my throat...Amy... fuck.

Amy: Slow down, Howard. Try to form sentences.

Howard: OK. I know you’re leaving tomorrow and I’ll probably never see you again, but I just wanted to say that you like what I like, you’re beautiful, you smell like Victoria’s secret... I guess I just think you’re the greatest girl in the whole world, and I love you.

Amy: Oh my God! That was sooo sweet! Howard, I feel the exact same way about you! But who said you’d never see me again? I’m just moving to a different house in town.

Howard: Really?? Sweet!! (runs back into the house) Guys!! She’s staying in town!! Kick ass!!

Jesse: Go back out there jackass... you’re ruining the moment.

Howard: Oh shit, yeah.

(Jeff and Jesse watch from the window, and the following events aren’t seen)

Jeff: Dude! DUDE! They’re kissing!

(both watch open-mouthed)

Jesse: Is that a bear in your yard? It is! Where the hell did that bear come from?

Jeff: HOLY SHIT!!! That bear is eating Howard!

Jesse: Why isn’t it attacking Amy?

Jeff: I think I read somewhere that bears don’t like girls... something about smell.

Jesse: You read that?

Jeff: Or made it up, hell I don’t know. Wow... the bear just killed Howard and left. That sucks.

(Jeff and Jesse just run outside)

(Amy is standing above Howard‘s dead body, crying)

Jesse: Hey Amy... you wanna go get a burger or something?

Amy: (sniffles, then composes herself) OK.

(the three walk off arm in arm, happy and possibly singing sunshine lollipops and rainbows)

"True Love, Lobsters and a Bear" debuted November 2, 2001, performed by Howard Zimmerle, Jesse Wozniak, Jeff Dorothy, and Becca Wagoner.

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