copyright © 2001 Howard Zimmerle

A Non-drinking PSA

Howard: Hi, Iím Howard Zimmerle.

Jesse: And Iím Jesse Wozniak, and weíre here to tell you about the evils of alcohol.

Howard: Now, I know what youíre saying. (whiny voice) ďBut Howard, I love alcohol.Ē No you donít. No one can love alcohol.

Jesse: What about that time at my cousinís wedding reception when you got really plastered and tried to get it on with that whiskey bottle?

Howard: But ended up getting it on with your mom instead? Oooh, not so happy now are you!! Huh?? Be-atch! (realizes that heís off topic) Of course, what I meant to say was that alcohol can lead to many unpleasant consequences.

Jesse: To prove this point, we have set up three experiments to show what alcohol can really do. In the first experiment, we set up two 22 year old college students on a blind date. They are currently one hour into the date, and have yet to drink any alcohol. Letís talk to them and see how the date is going.

Howard: Jason, how are you?

Jason: Been better.

Howard: What do you think of Amber?

Jason: Mooooo!! Fuckin cow, man. Not a pretty sight. And sheís annoying as hell too, man! (talks with his hand as if heís holding a sock puppet) Yadda da yadda da yadda da dit dit dit dit dit dit... never shuts up!!! Nothing could possibly happen between us, Howard.

Jesse: Howard hears the phrase ďNothing could possibly happen between us, HowardĒ about every day, but itís usually a girl shooting him down!

Howard: Your mom certainly didnít.

Jesse: Ouch. Well, Jason, sorry the date isnít going well for you. Letís talk to Amber. Amber, are you with me?

Amber: Yeah. What the hell is up with this Jason guy? He told me he owned a Cadillac. Iíd believe him, but he picked me up for the date tonight. On a razor scooter. And whatís up with his hair??? Did he get attacked by a weasel?

Jesse: So no spark between you two?

Amber: I like Jason... just like I like hemorrhoids.

Howard: Strong words from Amber. Looks like nothing will happen on this date... except now weíre serving each of them numerous alcoholic drinks. Weíll check back with them later to see if the alcohol has any effect.

Jesse: Our next experiment involves a 32 year old accountant from Cedar Rapids named Milton. We have exclusive videotape from him in a number of drunken stages.

Howard: Here he is before drinking any beer.

Milton: You want me to dance? Iím sorry, but Iím afraid you have the wrong guy. I donít ever dance.

Jesse: Three beers later.

Milton: You know who was a good dancer? Janet Jackson. Sheís hhhhhhot.

Howard: Six beers later.

Milton: (slurred) Dance? Iím not dancing yet. Youíll know when Iím dancing... you jerk!

Jesse: 12 beers later.

Milton: (dances horribly awkwardly)

Howard: 24 beers later.

Milton: (passed out face first on the floor).

Howard: Huh, huh, huh. Milton never got to dance much, because he died of acute alcohol poisoning. That, folks, is what alcohol can and will do to the people you love.

Jesse: Huh, huh, huh. Youíll have that. Letís check back with our first-daters Jason and Amber. As you can remember, their date was not going well.

Howard: However, now they have started drinking, and their blood alcohol level is now nearly three times the legal limit, or what we like to call ďBoris Yeltsin levelĒ. Letís see how theyíre doing.

Jason and Amber: (Furiously making out with each other, legs intertwined, etc.)

Jesse: Once again, alcohol has led two innocent people to have drunken monkey sex on top of a table at Dennyís.

Howard: Youíll have that.

Jesse: Have that you will. In our final experiment, Scott here has had an entire bottle of vodka in the last hour.

Howard: Making him drunker than Jenna Bush on spring break. To demonstrate the danger of drinking and driving, weíve given him the keys to this 2001 Chevy Suburban and told him to drive down this street.

Jesse: But thatís not all. Weíve also given 6 year old Billy instructions to play on that street. Letís watch and see this play out.

Billy: (singing) Twinkle, twinkle, little star. How I wonder what you... AAAAUGH!! (as Scott runs little Billy over with his Suburban).

Howard: As we had expected, Billyís dead. Youíll have that.

Jesse: That sucks. Well, hopefully youíve seen the horrible effects of drinking and dating, drinking and dancing, and drinking and driving. Hopefully each and every one of you in the audience is going to think before you drink from now on.

Howard: Because all the vodka and drunken monkey sex in the world isnít going to bring little Billy back. Heís pretty damned dead.

Jesse: Well that ends our public service announcement and completes our court ordered community service. Have a good night everyone, and weíll see you at the bar.


"A Non-drinking PSA" debuted October 19, 2001, performed by Howard Zimmerle, Jesse Wozniak, Luke Pingel, Neil VanGorder, Aaron Konisgsmark and Mike Collet.

Performed at Best of No Shame on May 3, 2002, by Howard Zimmerle, Jesse Wozniak, Luke Pingel, Neil Van Gorder, Josh Fitkin and Kate Melloy.

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