A Non-drinking PSA

Howard: Hi, I’m Howard Zimmerle.

Jesse: And I’m Jesse Wozniak, and we’re here to tell you about the evils of alcohol.

Howard: Now, I know what you’re saying. (whiny voice) “But Howard, I love alcohol.” No you don’t. No one can love alcohol.

Jesse: What about that time at my cousin’s wedding reception when you got really plastered and tried to get it on with that whiskey bottle?

Howard: But ended up getting it on with your mom instead? Oooh, not so happy now are you!! Huh?? Be-atch! (realizes that he’s off topic) Of course, what I meant to say was that alcohol can lead to many unpleasant consequences.

Jesse: To prove this point, we have set up three experiments to show what alcohol can really do. In the first experiment, we set up two 22 year old college students on a blind date. They are currently one hour into the date, and have yet to drink any alcohol. Let’s talk to them and see how the date is going.

Howard: Jason, how are you?

Jason: Been better.

Howard: What do you think of Amber?

Jason: Mooooo!! Fuckin cow, man. Not a pretty sight. And she’s annoying as hell too, man! (talks with his hand as if he’s holding a sock puppet) Yadda da yadda da yadda da dit dit dit dit dit dit... never shuts up!!! Nothing could possibly happen between us, Howard.

Jesse: Howard hears the phrase “Nothing could possibly happen between us, Howard” about every day, but it’s usually a girl shooting him down!

Howard: Your mom certainly didn’t.

Jesse: Ouch. Well, Jason, sorry the date isn’t going well for you. Let’s talk to Amber. Amber, are you with me?

Amber: Yeah. What the hell is up with this Jason guy? He told me he owned a Cadillac. I’d believe him, but he picked me up for the date tonight. On a razor scooter. And what’s up with his hair??? Did he get attacked by a weasel?

Jesse: So no spark between you two?

Amber: I like Jason... just like I like hemorrhoids.

Howard: Strong words from Amber. Looks like nothing will happen on this date... except now we’re serving each of them numerous alcoholic drinks. We’ll check back with them later to see if the alcohol has any effect.

Jesse: Our next experiment involves a 32 year old accountant from Cedar Rapids named Milton. We have exclusive videotape from him in a number of drunken stages.

Howard: Here he is before drinking any beer.

Milton: You want me to dance? I’m sorry, but I’m afraid you have the wrong guy. I don’t ever dance.

Jesse: Three beers later.

Milton: You know who was a good dancer? Janet Jackson. She’s hhhhhhot.

Howard: Six beers later.

Milton: (slurred) Dance? I’m not dancing yet. You’ll know when I’m dancing... you jerk!

Jesse: 12 beers later.

Milton: (dances horribly awkwardly)

Howard: 24 beers later.

Milton: (passed out face first on the floor).

Howard: Huh, huh, huh. Milton never got to dance much, because he died of acute alcohol poisoning. That, folks, is what alcohol can and will do to the people you love.

Jesse: Huh, huh, huh. You’ll have that. Let’s check back with our first-daters Jason and Amber. As you can remember, their date was not going well.

Howard: However, now they have started drinking, and their blood alcohol level is now nearly three times the legal limit, or what we like to call “Boris Yeltsin level”. Let’s see how they’re doing.

Jason and Amber: (Furiously making out with each other, legs intertwined, etc.)

Jesse: Once again, alcohol has led two innocent people to have drunken monkey sex on top of a table at Denny’s.

Howard: You’ll have that.

Jesse: Have that you will. In our final experiment, Scott here has had an entire bottle of vodka in the last hour.

Howard: Making him drunker than Jenna Bush on spring break. To demonstrate the danger of drinking and driving, we’ve given him the keys to this 2001 Chevy Suburban and told him to drive down this street.

Jesse: But that’s not all. We’ve also given 6 year old Billy instructions to play on that street. Let’s watch and see this play out.

Billy: (singing) Twinkle, twinkle, little star. How I wonder what you... AAAAUGH!! (as Scott runs little Billy over with his Suburban).

Howard: As we had expected, Billy’s dead. You’ll have that.

Jesse: That sucks. Well, hopefully you’ve seen the horrible effects of drinking and dating, drinking and dancing, and drinking and driving. Hopefully each and every one of you in the audience is going to think before you drink from now on.

Howard: Because all the vodka and drunken monkey sex in the world isn’t going to bring little Billy back. He’s pretty damned dead.

Jesse: Well that ends our public service announcement and completes our court ordered community service. Have a good night everyone, and we’ll see you at the bar.

"A Non-drinking PSA" debuted October 19, 2001, performed by Howard Zimmerle, Jesse Wozniak, Luke Pingel, Neil VanGorder, Aaron Konisgsmark and Mike Collet.

Performed at Best of No Shame on May 3, 2002, by Howard Zimmerle, Jesse Wozniak, Luke Pingel, Neil Van Gorder, Josh Fitkin and Kate Melloy.

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