"A Call to Action" by Howard Zimmerle

A Call to Action

Howard: Hi. On September 11th, our great nation witnessed one of the worst tragedies it has ever had to face. The cowardly attacks on the Pentagon and the World Trade Center hurt the United States, as our economy was weakened and thousands of innocent lives were lost. Many of us have looked at the heroism of those who landed the plane in Pennsylvania, and of those rescue workers who helped after the attack. We realize then, that we are not heroes. A true hero is someone like Jeff Garcia, who was a New York firefighter who lost his life trying to save another victim. A true hero is someone like Susan Jeffries, who fell in the blast after ushering numerous people to safety. We are not heroes.

So what can you do? Blood drives are over, and hundreds of thousands of dollars are being sent towards rescue efforts as we speak. It has become increasingly hard to help in the relief efforts. Therefore I have taken the liberty of compiling a short list of things you can do to make life better for all Americans:

Plant a tree

Donate food to the Salvation Army

Give a hand job to a stranger

Rescue a stray cat and feed it to a hungry dog

Shave your eyebrows, because that’s fucked up when people shave their eyebrows

Take all of your foreign-made goods and throw them at someone of Arab descent

Grab your female co-worker’s ass, because you know she likes it

Eat an entire sheet cake

Wait until your friends are asleep and draw penises on them in permanent marker

Fart a lot, because farting is funny

Most of all, America, keep your chin up. We’ll make it... together. God bless.

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