Person 1: I love my girlfriend. I love the way her nose wrinkles up when she laughs. I love the way she swings her hips when she walks. Most importantly, I love the way she swallows after she gives me head. She usually gives me head at least twice a week, sometimes more, and I love it. I think if I were to come home some night with a heroin needle still sticking out of my arm and bong residue spilled all over my jeans, she’d be less likely to give me head that night. I can’t have that. My anti-drug is my girlfriend. What’s your anti-drug?

Howard: Sometimes I race myself. I wait until my roommate goes to the bathroom, and try to finish before he comes back. There’s nothing I like more than sitting down with a porno and a box of kleenex. That’s the formula for a good night. It’s like shooting baskets in your driveway, except you have an orgasm. With my busy jerking schedule, I don’t have time for drugs. My anti-drug is masturbation. What’s your anti-drug?

Person 2: I always got picked on in elementary school. All you have to do is wet your pants thirteen, fourteen times a week, and from then on you’re called “Pissy McWetpants”. People still call me Pissy to this day. Well I say fuck that. I’m having my revenge. Every day I go back to my old elementary school and pick one little kid to beat the shit out of. I know that they didn’t do anything to me personally, but I’ll bet there’s a new little Pissy McWetpants somewhere in that school, and I’ll bet they make fun of him or her. I look at it as karma. Every time I see a little kid cry and bleed as I beat him or her, I know I’m doing the right thing. My anti-drug is beating up little children on the playground. What’s your anti-drug?

Person 3: Roll it. Smoke it. Puff, puff, give. I love waking up in the morning and feeling that prick of the needle going into my arm. I love the feeling I get when I pop a couple of purple pills. Smoking, snorting, shooting, taking: these are all ways to get to my happy place. It’s a place with no war, no peace, no Oprah. Just hundreds and fifties and big-ass titties. My anti-drug is drugs.

All: What’s your anti-drug?

"Partnership For a Drug Free America" debuted September 21, 2001, performed by Howard Zimmerle, Neil Van Gorder, David Oline, and Jason Danielson.

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