CPR Guy: Hi class. Welcome to your last day before you take the CPR certification test. Today we’re going to have a lovely lemon merangue. Note the cinnamon on top.

Student: Uh, sir? I really hate to be picky, but we’ve been in this CPR class for three weeks now, and all you’ve done is bring us each a different pie every time. You haven’t taught us any CPR!

CPR Guy: Right. Is there a problem with that?

Student: Yeah, actually there is. You see, I’m going to be a lifeguard. My job starts next week, and I really need to know CPR in order to do my job well. So you see, it would be nice if we learned CPR in class, rather than ate pie the whole time.

CPR Guy: (noticeably upset) You... you don’t like the pie, do you?

Student: No, I love the pie. It’s probably the best pie I’ve ever had. I think it’s a nice touch to have some pie in class, but if I had to choose between the pie, and learning CPR, I’m afraid I’d have to pick CPR.

CPR Guy: I see. You’re worried about the CPR. Well, I was never even certified in CPR. I still don’t know what the hell CPR even IS! I just like to make pie. You see, I was destined to be a baker. My father was a baker, his father was a baker, his father was... an accountant, but HIS father was a baker. It’s in my blood.

Student: So how come you’re a CPR instructor, and don’t work in a bakery or something?

CPR Guy: This is just my calling. I want to deliver pies to people in a way that has never been done before. (dejected) But now I see that I’m just a fraud. A worthless fraud. A worthless, smelly, fat, incontinent, homosexual fraud. I can’t teach CPR! All I can do is give pie to my students, and now I can’t even do that! (very frustrated and sad) Everything I’ve lived for... all wrong. It’s all wrong. I don’t have a wife, I don’t have any money, I have flabby little girl arms, and I cry like a 6 month old baby whenever I watch the Flintstone‘s Christmas special! All I have in my life is pie, and that’s been cruelly taken away from me by the evil hands of fate.

Student: Hey, look on the bright side. It’s not really that bad.

CPR Guy: Not that bad? At least you know what you want in life. You want to be a lifeguard. I’m a baker trapped in a CPR instructor’s body. I’m a fraud! (starts crying)

Student: You are a sad, sad man. Hey, maybe some pie will make you feel better. You can have some of mine.

CPR Guy: (sniffles) OK... I guess. (eats some pie, then starts choking violently)

Student: Oh my God! He’s choking! How ironic. I don’t think he’s breathing! Help! Anyone here know CPR???

"Cardio-Culinary Resuscitation" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"Cardio-Culinary Resuscitation" debuted April 13, 2001, performed by Jesse Wozniak & Howard Zimmerle.

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