(The setting: Inside a bank. A customer is at the teller’s counter, while a teller counts out the money. An old man, Mr. Henderson, waits in line. He’s clearly nervous. He’s got his hand in his pocket, and is constantly looking around – trying to see where the security cameras are. The catch: He wants to be seen.)

TELLER (counting to herself): Twenty, forty, sixty, eighty, hundred. (Now she counts out the money again for the customer.) All right, here you go, Mr./Mrs./Miss Morris. Twenty, forty, sixty, eighty, one hundred. Is there anything else I can do for you today?

CUSTOMER: No, I don’t think so.

TELLER: Well, you have a good day, Mr./Mrs./Miss Morris. Thank you for doing business here at First National.

CUSTOMER: You too.

(Customer puts the money in his wallet/her purse, and exits.)

TELLER (to Mr. Henderson): Good afternoon, Mr. Henderson. How may I help you?

MR. HENDERSON: Ah, so you recognize me then?

TELLER (cheerfully, playfully): Well, of course I recognize you, Mr. Henderson. We all know you. You’re here the first Tuesday of every month to cash your check.

(Mr. Henderson hands the teller some ID, anyway.)

MR. HENDERSON: Well, here’s some ID, just in case. There’s my driver’s license, and there’s my Social Security card – not that it’s doing me much good, mind you. And here’s my ID badge from down at the home. They like us to have this with us in case we ever get locked out after hours, you know.

TELLER: Oh, that’s all right, Mr. Henderson. I don’t need all that.

MR. HENDERSON: No? Well, why don’t you take a good look at ‘em, just in case.

TELLER (confused): Uh, OK, if you say so. (Perky again) Yep, that’s you, all right.

MR. HENDERSON: And, uh, can you tell me, where’s your security camera?

TELLER: Our what? Well, it’s right over there. Why do you ask?

MR. HENDERSON: Ah, there it is. I just want to make sure it gets my good side, you know. (He preens for the camera.)

TELLER: Oh, don’t be silly, Mr. Henderson. So, how can I help you today?

MR. HENDERSON: Yes, well, I, uh, well, uh, I’d like to make a withdrawal.

TELLER: OK. Let me just get you a withdrawal slip. Here you go. And how much would you like to withdraw today?

MR. HENDERSON: What? Oh, uh, well, all of it, I suppose. Yes, all of it.

TELLER (disappointed a little): Oh, so you’d like to close the account then?

MR. HENDERSON: Oh no, I’m not saying that. I just want to withdraw it all. Everything you have.

TELLER: Well, let’s see, this shows your current balance is eight hundred and –

MR. HENDERSON: No, I mean everything – (He waves his hand back and forth to indicate the whole bank.)

TELLER: I’m sorry, I don’t understand.

MR. HENDERSON: This is a – oh, what’s the word for it? It was right on the tip of my tongue. Ah, a hold-up! That’s it. This is a hold-up!

TELLER: I beg your pardon?

MR. HENDERSON: Oh, wait. I almost forgot.

(Mr. Henderson puts his hand in his pocket, and uses his finger to point like a gun.)

MR. HENDERSON: You see what I’ve got here, don’t you?

TELLER (confused): You’ve got your hand in your pocket.

MR. HENDERSON: Oh I do, do I? And just what else do I have in there? You don’t know, do you?

TELLER (playfully, not yet taking him seriously): I’m pretty sure it’s just your hand.

MR. HENDERSON: Ah, but you can’t be sure, can you? So that would constitute the threat of force, wouldn’t it? See? It sure looks real doesn’t it?

TELLER: Look, this isn’t very funny. Can you just tell me how much you want to withdraw so I can fill out this form?

MR. HENDERSON: Oh, wait, I forgot the mask. I’ve got it here somewhere. (He fumbles for his mask.) I know I brought it along. Ah, here it is. This is all I could find. But it covers part of my face, doesn’t it? So it still qualifies as a mask, right? I heard they’d give you extra time if you wore a mask during a stick-up.

TELLER: What are you talking about?

MR. HENDERSON: And I got a parking ticket last week. Yes, I did! Yessirree. So this would mean this isn’t my first offense. (In a confidential tone). I hear they’ll give you extra time if you’re a repeat offender. Yes, sir, really throw the book at you. Tell me, you think I’ll get life for this? I hope I get life. I could sure use life. That whole extended care business and all.

TELLER: Life for what?

MR. HENDERSON: For trying to rob a bank! What do you think I’m doing?

TELLER: Mr. Henderson, are you trying to get in trouble?

MR. HENDERSON: Oh yes, big trouble. Big trouble. (Confidentially) Think it’s worked? When will the coppers be here to take me away? Just between you and me, I won’t give ‘em any trouble. But I’ve got some bad joints that make it hard to get around sometimes, so maybe they’ll think I’m trying to resist arrest! I bet I’d get some extra time for that, for sure, don’t you think?

TELLER: Mr. Henderson, why are you doing this?

MR. HENDERSON: Doing what? Trying to get arrested?

TELLER: Well, yes!

MR. HENDERSON: Well, you saw how much I had in my account there.

TELLER: Yes? So?

MR. HENDERSON: So that retirement home I’m in is right expensive. And Medicare doesn’t cover nearly as much as it used to. And ever since my Madge passed on, well, I don’t know, I just didn’t feel like staying in the same place. Too many memories, you know.

So I started looking around, trying to find me a place that wouldn’t cost as much, where I could still get three square meals a day, round-the-clock medical attention, security – you know, you can’t be too careful nowadays who you let in. And, well, after awhile, it all made sense: Elbert, I said, Elbert’s my given name, you know. You need to go to jail! Well, not one of them local county jails. But one of them fancy new penetentiaries. It’s got everything you’re looking for.

So, here I am! Robbing a bank! I figured that would be my ticket right up the river! Figured they’d put me in the slammer and throw away the key for sure! Yessirree, bob!

(Mr. Henderson looks around, somewhat impatient and disappointed.)

(You have three different endings to choose from.)

(Ending A:)

So when do you think they’ll be here to arrest me? (Optional add:) (Showing what she’s using for a gun.) All I could find for a gun was this empty tube from a roll of toilet paper. But I think it sure looks real like this, don’t you?

(Ending B:)

So how am I doing so far? (Showing what she’s using for a gun.) All I could find for a gun was this empty tube from a roll of toilet paper. But I think it sure looks real like this, don’t you?

(Ending C:)

So what kind of activities program you think they’ve got in the pen? Down at the home, all we’ve got is bingo on Tuesdays and Thursdays and that gets kind of boring after awhile.

(Lights out.)

--- THE END -----

Cast of three – 1 male, 2 non-gender

Teller (NG, but best as F)

Customer (NG)

Mr. Henderson (M)

(The setting: Inside a bank. A customer is at the teller’s counter, while a teller counts out the money. An old woman, Mrs. Henderson, waits in line. She’s clearly nervous. She’s got his hand in his pocket, and is constantly looking around – trying to see where the security cameras are. The catch: She wants to be seen.)

TELLER (counting to herself): Twenty, forty, sixty, eighty, hundred. (Now she counts out the money again for the customer.) All right, here you go, Mr./Mrs./Miss Morris. Twenty, forty, sixty, eighty, one hundred. Is there anything else I can do for you today?

CUSTOMER: No, I don’t think so.

TELLER: Well, you have a good day, Mr./Mrs./Miss Morris. Thank you for doing business here at First National.

CUSTOMER: You too.

(Customer puts the money in his wallet/her purse, and exits.)

TELLER (to Mrs. Henderson): Good afternoon, Mrs. Henderson. How may I help you?

MRS. HENDERSON: Ah, so you recognize me then?

TELLER (cheerfully, playfully): Well, of course I recognize you, Mrs. Henderson. We all know you. You’re here the first Tuesday of every month to cash your check.

(Mrs. Henderson hands the teller some ID, anyway.)

MRS. HENDERSON: Well, here’s some ID, just in case. There’s my driver’s license, and there’s my Social Security card – not that it’s doing me much good, mind you. And here’s my ID badge from down at the home. They like us to have this with us in case we ever get locked out after hours, you know.

TELLER: Oh, that’s all right, Mrs. Henderson. I don’t need all that.

MRS. HENDERSON: No? Well, why don’t you take a good look at ‘em, just in case.

TELLER (confused): Uh, OK, if you say so. (Perky again) Yep, that’s you, all right.

MRS. HENDERSON: And, uh, can you tell me, where’s your security camera?

TELLER: Our what? Well, it’s right over there. Why do you ask?

MRS. HENDERSON: Ah, there it is. I just want to make sure it gets my good side, you know. (She preens for the camera.)

TELLER: Oh, don’t be silly, Mrs. Henderson. You look fine. So, how can I help you today?

MRS. HENDERSON: Yes, well, I, uh, well, uh, I’d like to make a withdrawal.

TELLER: OK. Let me just get you a withdrawal slip. Here you go. And how much would you like to withdraw today?

MRS. HENDERSON: What? Oh,uh, well, all of it, I suppose. Yes, all of it.

TELLER (disappointed a little): Oh, so you’d like to close the account then?

MRS. HENDERSON: Oh no, I’m not saying that. I just want to withdraw it all. Everything you have.

TELLER: Well, let’s see, this shows your current balance is eight hundred and –

MRS. HENDERSON: No, I mean everything – (She waves his hand back and forth to indicate the whole bank.)

TELLER: I’m sorry, I don’t understand.

MRS. HENDERSON: This is a – oh, what’s the word for it? It was right on the tip of my tongue. Ah, a hold-up! That’s it. This is a hold-up!

TELLER: I beg your pardon?

MRS. HENDERSON: Oh, wait. I almost forgot.

(Mrs. Henderson puts his hand in his pocket, and uses his finger to point like a gun.)

MRS. HENDERSON: You see what I’ve got here, don’t you?

TELLER (confused): You’ve got your hand in your pocket.

MRS. HENDERSON: Oh I do, do I? And just what else do I have in there? You don’t know, do you?

TELLER (playfully, not yet taking her seriously): I’m pretty sure it’s just your hand.

MRS. HENDERSON: Ah, but you can’t be sure, can you? So that would constitute the threat of force, wouldn’t it? See? It sure looks real doesn’t it?

TELLER: Look, this isn’t very funny. Can you just tell me how much you want to withdraw so I can fill out this form?

MRS. HENDERSON: Oh, wait, I forgot the mask. I’ve got it here somewhere. (She fumbles for her mask – which can be as ridiculous as a shower cap) I know I brought it along. Ah, here it is. This is all I could find. But it covers part of my face, doesn’t it? So it still qualifies as a mask, right? I heard they’d give you extra time if you wore a mask during a stick-up.

TELLER: What are you talking about?

MRS. HENDERSON: And I got a parking ticket last week. Yes, I did! Yessirree. So this would mean this isn’t my first offense. (In a confidential tone). I hear they’ll give you extra time if you’re a repeat offender. Yes, sir /m’am, really throw the book at you. Tell me, you think I’ll get life for this? I hope I get life. I could sure use life. That whole extended care business and all.

TELLER: Life for what?

MRS. HENDERSON: For trying to rob a bank! What do you think I’m doing?

TELLER: Mrs. Henderson, are you trying to get in trouble?

MRS. HENDERSON: Oh yes, big trouble. Big trouble. (Confidentially) Think it’s worked? When will the coppers be here to take me away? Just between you and me, I won’t give ‘em any trouble. But I’ve got some bad joints that make it hard to get around sometimes, so maybe they’ll think I’m trying to resist arrest! I bet I’d get some extra time for that, for sure, don’t you think?

TELLER: Mrs. Henderson, why are you doing this?

MRS. HENDERSON: Doing what? Trying to get arrested?

TELLER: Well, yes!

MRS. HENDERSON: Well, you saw how much I had in my account there.

TELLER: Yes? So?

MRS. HENDERSON: So that retirement home I’m in is right expensive. And Medicare doesn’t cover nearly as much as it used to. And ever since my Melvin passed on, well, I don’t know, I just didn’t feel like staying in the same place. Too many memories, you know.

So I started looking around, trying to find me a place that wouldn’t cost as much, where I could still get three square meals a day, round-the-clock medical attention, security – you know, you can’t be too careful nowadays who you let in. And, well, after awhile, it all made sense: Hazel, I said, Hazel’s my given name, you know. You need to go to jail! Well, not one of them local county jails. But one of them fancy new penetentiaries. It’s got everything you’re looking for.

So, here I am! Robbing a bank! I figured that would be my ticket right up the river! Figured they’d put me in the slammer and throw away the key for sure! Yessirree, bob!

(Mrs. Henderson looks around, somewhat impatient and disappointed.)

(You have three different endings to choose from.)

(Ending A:)

So when do you think they’ll be here to arrest me? (Optional add:) (Showing what she’s using for a gun.) All I could find for a gun was this empty tube from a roll of toilet paper. But I think it sure looks real like this, don’t you?

(Ending B:)

So how am I doing so far? (Showing what she’s using for a gun.) All I could find for a gun was this empty tube from a roll of toilet paper. But I think it sure looks real like this, don’t you?

(Ending C:)

So what kind of activities program you think they’ve got in the pen? Down at the home, all we’ve got is bingo on Tuesdays and Thursdays and that gets kind of boring after awhile.

(Lights out.)

--- THE END -----

Cast of three – 1 female, 2 non-gender

Teller (NG, but best as F)

Customer (NG)

Mrs. Henderson (F)

Dwayne Yancey

1791 Mount Pleasant Church Road

Fincastle, VA 24090

dwayneyancey@yahoo.com