FRIEDMAN: Hello?

(His young assistant, Smithers, is on the line. He’s at the observatory.)

SMITHERS: Professor Friedman? I’m sorry to bother you at this hour but I thought I should warn you while there’s still time –

FRIEDMAN: Who is this?

SMITHERS: This is Smithers, sir. At the observatory.

FRIEDMAN (confused, still half asleep): Smithers . . . right.

SMITHERS: Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that we’re all doomed, sir.

FRIEDMAN: What are the devil are you talking about?

SMITHERS: That new asteroid we’ve been tracking. It’s on a collision course for earth, sir. It’s going to be a direct hit. My calculations here show it’s going to hit in, oh, about one hour and oh, just at 47 minutes. And it’s a big one, sir. Bigger than anything we’ve seen. When it hits, it’ll set off a shock wave that may tear the whole planet apart. Even if it doesn’t, it’ll certainly kick up enough dust and dirt to set off a nuclear winter that will trigger a new ice age. Either way, we’re goners, sir. This is the end of life as we know it. And I just wanted to say – well, I just thought you should know sir. (Alternate: Well, I just wanted to say ‘thank you’ for giving me this chance, sir. I realize it’s only an entry-level position, but, well, I guess this’ll be the last one I ever have now.)

FRIEDMAN (waking up to the horror): Dear God, man. Are you certain about this thing?

SMITHERS: Absolutely sir. And I’ve already taken the liberty of notifying the International Astronomical Union and the North American Aerospace Defense Command and the UN and the CIA and AP and CNN. I’ve notified them all, sir. Not that it’ll do much good.

FRIEDMAN: Yes. I understand. Dear God. So how much time did you say we had Smithers?

SMITHERS: One hour and – oh.

FRIEDMAN: Oh? What is it, man? Speak to me. Tell me! Tell me quick!

SMITHERS: Uh, I think I made a mistake here.

FRIEDMAN: A mistake? What kind of mistake?

SMITHERS: I think I forgot to carry the one.

FRIEDMAN: What? What are you talking about?

(Begin optional ending 1)

SMITHERS: Oh. Never mind. Silly me. It’s going to miss us by a long shot. Well, sorry to have bothered you. Have a good rest of the evening.

----- THE END -----------

(Begin optional ending 2)

SMITHERS: Oh. Never mind. Silly me. It’s going to miss us by a long shot.

FRIEDMAN: It’s going to what?

SMITHERS: Well, I guess I better get to work clearing this up. Have a good rest of the night, sir.

------- THE END ---------

Cast of two, best played as males

Friedman, head of the astronomy department

Smithers, his young assistant

(A man wakes up his wife in the middle of the night.)

MAN: Honey! Wake up! Quick!

WOMAN: What is it?

MAN: Look, honey, I hate to do this, but I guess now’s as good a time as any. I just wanted to say I love you.

WOMAN: That’s nice. Now can I go back to sleep?

MAN: And I just wanted to say I’m sorry.

WOMAN: I’m sorry you woke me up, too. Now, good night.

MAN: No, no, I mean, I’m sorry for everything.

WOMAN: What are you talking about?

MAN: Well, I didn’t want to tell you, but, I’ve got to do this: I haven’t exactly been faithful.

WOMAN: Do what?

MAN: You know that convention in Atlanta they sent me to? Me and some of the guys skipped the Wednesday night sessions and went to a strip club. And, well, I guess we all had a little too much to drink and then Steve said we could put it on our expense account under "entertainment" and, well, next thing you know, I was getting a lap dance.

WOMAN (sorrowful): Oh no, you didn’t!

MAN: I know, I know. I shouldn’t have done it. But I did, and I want you to know how sorry I am. Especially the fact that I invited her back to my room for the VIP service –

WOMAN: You did what?

MAN: And I’m even sorrier about that time at your family’s Christmas party–

WOMAN: What about my family’s Christmas party –

MAN: Well, there was all this misletoe hanging around and, well, you know, your sister really is quite attractive – she takes after you! Yes, she really does! So you can see how I was tempted – you should be – flattered. Yes, that’s it! Flattered!

WOMAN: Flattered that you slept with my sister?!

MAN: Well, there wasn’t really much sleeping involved. It was more like a quickie in the rec room.

WOMAN: The rec room!

MAN: Well, on the pool table, actually.

WOMAN: You did it on the pool table?!

MAN: But at least it wasn’t at the church this time.

WOMAN: The church? What are you talking about?

MAN: You know, our wedding. She was one of your bridesmaids – no, wait, that was your other sister! Well, whatever. I mean, they call it the social hall, and let me assure you, she was very sociable!

WOMAN: My God. Why are you telling me all these things?

MAN: Well, I, I, I couldn’t sleep and so I got up to watch TV and – and this newscast came on and said there was a killer asteroid headed straight for earth and it was going to make a direct hit and wipe out life as we know it and – well, I just thought I should come clean before we all – you know – die!

WOMAN: They had this on TV?

MAN: Yes, here – see for yourself.

(He hands her the remote. She clicks around.)

Well, I’m sure they’ll come back right after this commercial.

WOMAN: You idiot!

MAN: I know, I know, I shouldn’t have slept with your sister – or that stripper, and especially not your bridesmaids – I really was an idiot.

WOMAN: Not that! This!

MAN: What?

WOMAN: You’re watching the science fiction channel! That wasn’t a news report, that was just some – some – some stupid movie.

MAN (realizing): Oh.

(They look at each other. He laughs nervously)

He He. Just kidding. Especially that part about your sister. (Optional add: The older one.)

(Lights out.)

------------ THE END --------------

Cast of two — one male, one female

(A woman wakes up his husband in the middle of the night.)

WOMAN: Honey! Wake up! Quick!

MAN: What is it?

WOMAN: Look, honey, I hate to do this, but I guess now’s as good a time as any. I just wanted to say I love you.

MAN: That’s nice. Now can I go back to sleep?

WOMAN: And I just wanted to say I’m sorry.

MAN: I’m sorry you woke me up, too. Now, good night.

WOMAN: No, no, I mean, I’m sorry for everything.

MAN: What are you talking about?

WOMAN: Well, I didn’t want to tell you, but, I’ve got to do this: I haven’t exactly been faithful.

MAN: Do what?

WOMAN: You know that convention in Atlanta they sent me to? Me and some of the girl skipped the Wednesday night sessions and went to a club where they were having ladies night and, well, they had these male dancers – well, Ok, they were really strippers. And, well, I guess we all had a little too much to drink and then Stephanie said we could put it on our expense account under "entertainment" and, well, next thing you know, I was giving him a lap dance.

MAN (sorrowful): Oh no, you didn’t!

WOMAN: I know, I know. I shouldn’t have done it. But I did, and I want you to know how sorry I am. Especially the fact that I invited her back to my room for the VIP service –

MAN: You did what?

WOMAN: And I’m even sorrier about that time at your family’s Christmas party–

MAN: What about my family’s Christmas party –

WOMAN: Well, there was all this misletoe hanging around and, well, you know, your brother really is quite attractive – he takes after you! Yes, he really does! So you can see how I was tempted – you should be – flattered. Yes, that’s it! Flattered!

MAN: Flattered that you slept with my brother?!

WOMAN: Well, there wasn’t really much sleeping involved. It was more like a quickie in the rec room.

MAN: The rec room!

WOMAN: Well, on the pool table actually.But at least it wasn’t at the church this time.

MAN: The church? What are you talking about?

WOMAN: You know, our wedding. He was one of your groomsmen – no, wait, that was your other brother! Well, whatever. I mean, they call it the social hall, and let me assure you, he was very sociable! And that time we were having all that trouble with our TV reception?

MAN: Yes?

WOMAN: I lied! I made the whole thing up! I was really having an affair with the cable guy!

(Begin optional trim)

MAN: And the leaking sink?

WOMAN: The plumber! Oh, when he bends over, oh, you know how I am about men’s butts!

(End optional trim.)

MAN: My God. Why are you telling me all these things?

WOMAN: Well, I, I, I couldn’t sleep and so I got up to watch TV and – and this newscast came on and said there was a killer asteroid headed straight for earth and it was going to make a direct hit and wipe out life as we know it and – well, I just thought I should come clean before we all – you know – die!

MAN: They had this on TV?

WOMAN: Yes, here – see for yourself.

(She hands him the remote. He clicks around.)

Well, I’m sure they’ll come back right after this commercial.

MAN: You idiot!

WOMAN: I know, I know, I shouldn’t have slept with your brother – or that stripper – or the cable guy, either, for that matter– I really was an idiot.

MAN: Not that! This!

WOMAN: What?

MAN: You’re watching the science fiction channel! That wasn’t a news report, that was just some – some – some stupid movie.

WOMAN (realizing): Oh.

(They look at each other. He laughs nervously)

He He. Just kidding. Especially that part about your brother. (Optional add: The older one.)

(Lights out.)

------------ THE END --------------

Cast of two – one male, one female

(Three astronomy professors are at work with their calculations. Smithers is the youngest. Friedman is the department chairman.)

SMITHERS: Oh my God.

FRIEDMAN: What is it?

SMITHERS: That new asteroid we’re tracking –

FRIEDMAN: Yes, what about it?

SMITHERS: It’s on a collision course straight for earth!

FRIEDMAN: Are you sure?

SMITHERS: It’s all right here.

(Hands Friedman some papers.)

FRIEDMAN: Dear God.

SMITHERS: It’s going to be a direct hit.

FRIEDMAN: I never thought I’d see anything like this.

SMITHERS: It’ll wipe out life as we know it.

FRIEDMAN: So we’re all –

SMITHERS: Doomed.

FRIEDMAN: Dear God.

SMITHERS: There’s nothing we can do. In one hour and 47 minutes, we’ll all just be – cinders.

FRIEDMAN: If that.

SMITHERS: True. If that.

FRIEDMAN: I can’t believe it. It’s all over. Everything.

SMITHERS: I suppose now would be as good a time as any to say "thank you,"

FRIEDMAN: For what?

SMITHERS: For hirng me.

FRIEDMAN: Oh, well, thank you Smithers. very kind of you.

SMITHERS: And I suppose I should say I’m sorry, too.

FRIEDMAN: Sorry? For what?

SMITHERS: Well, for stiffing you on that grant proposal. I really should have given you credit, you know.

FRIEDMAN: You did what?

SMITHERS: Well, technically, I suppose it was outright plagariasm.

FRIEDMAN: What? Oh, well, don’t worry about it. It doesn’t matter now.

SMITHERS: Oh. Well, that’s a relief.

FRIEDMAN: Now’s no time to be holding grudges.

SMITHERS: I guess you’re right. And I guess the Nobel Prize committee will never get around to looking at the paperwork now anyway.

FRIEDMAN: No, I don’t guess they will now. Unless they do it in a hurry.

SMITHERS: I would have thanked you in my acceptance speech. I really would have. At least in the footnotes.

FRIEDMAN: Oh, don’t mention it. It’s time to let bygones be bygones. (Looking at the calculations) This really is the big one, isn’t it?

SMITHERS: And I suppose I should tell you that I was the one who wrote that anonymous letter to the dean about your tenure review.

FRIEDMAN: What? You were the one who did that?

SMITHERS: Yeah. I was hoping if you got denied tenure, I’d be in line for the department chairmanship.

FRIEMDAN (turning chummy): Well, I guess that’s all in the past now isn’t it? Why don’t we just use the time we have left here to enjoy one another’s company, Smithers?

SMITHERS: So I guess that little incident at the faculty Christmas party is OK?

FRIEDMAN: What little incident are you talking about?

SMITHERS: You know – I mean, everybody was talking about it – you don’t know? You know, how your wife and I – under the misletoe – and then – well, you were pretty busy debating the big bang theory with Professor Thompson – oh, talk about your big bang! Whoo-hoo!

FRIEDMAN: You slept with my wife?

SMITHERS: Well, there wasn’t much sleeping involved. It was more like a quickie. You know how the chairs in the planetarium tilt way back like this – well, never mind. I guess it doesn’t matter now.

FRIEDMAN: My God.

SMITHERS: An I should come clean about a few things, too, Professor Friedman. Like the time I –

THOMPSON: Uh, you forgot to carry the one.

SMITHERS: What?

THOMPSON: See, right here. You forgot to carry the one. So your whole calculation

is off by – oh, a couple billion miles.

SMITHERS: Oh.

THIRD PROFESSOR: (Optional line: That asteroid isn’t coming anywhere close to earth.) You really ought to use the calculator, you know.

(Friedman looks at Smithers, glaring. Smithers is suddenly uncomfortable.)

SMITHERS (laughing nervously): He he. A little math humor, there. Especially that part about your wife. (Alternate: Especially that part about the Nobel committee.) (Alternate: Especially that part about the tenure committee.)

(Lights out)

------- THE END ----------

Cast of three – two male, one non-gender best played as a male.

Dwayne Yancey

1791 Mount Pleasant Church Road

Fincastle, VA 24090

Days: 540 981 3113

Nights: 540 473 3313

E-mail: dwayneyancey@yahoo.com