THE ULTIMATE VALENTINE’S DAY PRESENT

By Dwayne Yancey

Copyright 2004; all rights reserved.

(A young couple, very much in love, sit across a desk from a doctor.)

DOCTOR: You’re crazy!

(The man and woman look at each other, smile, nod vigorously and answer in unison.)

MAN and WOMAN: Crazy in love! (Alternate: Crazy for love!)

DOCTOR: But what you’re talking about is – dangerous!

MAN: Love is all about risk!

DOCTOR: I’m sure it’s unethical.

WOMAN: True love knows no bounds!

DOCTOR: Possibly even illegal. I just don’t know. But I do know this. I can’t do this. No way. It’s out of the question.

MAN: Are you sure?

DOCTOR: Quite sure.

MAN: Because we, well, we sort of –

WOMAN: You know how it is, doctor –

MAN and WOMAN (in unison): We had our hearts set on this!

(Man and woman giggle, realizing they’re speaking in unison.)

DOCTOR: Let me ask you two this. How did you ever come up with such a hare-brained scheme as this anyway?

MAN and WOMAN: Well, the way we figured it – (they stop, and giggle, realizing they’re answering in unison.)

MAN: You go ahead.

WOMAN: No, you.

MAN and WOMAN: Well, the way – (they giggle again.)

MAN: The way we figured it was like this. We’ve already exchanged rings. (They show off their fingers.)

WOMAN: Exchanged vows!

MAN: Exchanged – bodily fluids!

WOMAN: Well, technically we did that before we did some of these other things, but, you know, that’s just how love is!

MAN: So the way we figured it, why not give each other the ultimate gift this Valentine’s Day.

DOCTOR: So you want to exchange hearts?

MAN and WOMAN: That’s right!

MAN: Hers for mine, mine for hers, an even swap. We thought it’d be no trouble at all. We’re both healthy, we’ve got good insurance, we’ve signed our organ donor cards.

WOMAN: This way, no matter where we are, we always have a piece of each other right here. (She puts her hand son her heart.)

DOCTOR: And a lock of his hair wouldn’t do?

WOMAN: I’ve already got that!

MAN: That’s so old-fashioned, anyway.

MAN and WOMAN: We’re in love!

DOCTOR: Well, I’m sorry. There’s really nothing I can do for you. I wish you well, but this just isn’t possible. I think everyone will tell you that.

MAN: Well, thank you anyway. Come on, dear, let’s go.

(Man and woman get ready to exit, and talk on their way out.)

WOMAN: What about, you know, the other thing –

MAN: Oh, Plan B. Right . .. Uh, just one thing, doctor.

DOCTOR: What’s that?

MAN: Is it true that surgeons nowadays can reattach certain body parts after they’ve been cut off. You know, like in accidents.

WOMAN: You know, small ones. Like fingers. Not anything like arms or legs or anything like that.

DOCTOR: Well, yes, it has been known to be done. It all depends on how the extremity was amputated in the first place – how much damage was done to the nerve endings, that sort of thing. Why do you ask?

MAN (looking at woman): What do you say? Ring finger?

WOMAN (holding up ring finger and nodding affirmatively): Ring finger.

(Man pulls out a long knife, and puts the woman’s hand on the doctor’s desk, and prepares to slice it off.)

(Optional line:)

DOCTOR (horrified): What do you think you’re doing?

MAN (to the woman): I promise I’ll be gentle. One, two, three –

(Lights out abruptly at the count of three. You may or may not wish for the woman to scream in the darkness.)

------- THE END ------------

Cast of characters: Three

Doctor (NG)

Man (M)

Woman (F)