(A young woman speaks directly to the audience.)

KELSEY: – and the worst – I mean the absolutely worst! – dating experience I ever had was with this guy named Dennis. I mean, we’d been going out almost the whole semester and things are going really well, right, when he invites me to his place for Thanksgiving. You know, to meet Mom and Dad. So you know things are serious, right? Well, let me tell you; they lived out on this farm, see –

(A flashback scene. A young man knocks on her bedroom door.)

DENNIS (from outside the door): Rise and shine!

KELSEY (from inside): Rise and shine?

DENNIS (from outside the door): Kelsey? Wake up! It’s time to get started!

KELSEY (speaking to the audience): So he comes banging on my door at, like, I don’t know, 5 a.m. or some ungodly hour like that. You know, it’s the parents’ place, so separate bedrooms and all that. Anyway, it’s 5 fucking AM!

DENNIS (from outside the door): Are you getting ready, Kelsey? We don’t want to miss anything!

KELSEY (from inside, groggily): Miss what?

DENNIS (from outside the door): It’s our Thanksgiving tradition!

KELSEY (speaking to the audience): Thanksgiving tradition. Yeah, right. Get up at the crack of dawn. It’s one of those, I don’t know, farming things, I guess. Me, I’m a city girl. Suburban, actually. My idea of a Thanksgiving tradition is Ocean Spray cranberry sauce. Out of a can. (Calling out to Dennis.) So what kind of tradition is this, exactly?

DENNIS (proudly): Well, what else do people do on Thanksgiving Day? It’s time for hog slaughtering!

KELSEY (to Dennis): Hog what?

DENNIS: You know, butchering! Making sausage! Pork rinds!

KELSEY (speaking to the audience): And did I mention that I’m a vegetarian? (To Dennis) You got me up at 5 o’clock in the morning to watch somebody kill a hog?

DENNIS: Oh no, not at all.

KELSEY (to Dennis): Well, good!

DENNIS: I got you up so you could help.

KELSEY (to Dennis): What?

(Dennis’ father enters, with a wire brush and a large knife.)

FATHER: Ah, there you are. Thought we were gonna have to start without you. Glad you could make it.

KELSEY (to Mr. Thomas): But – but – but –

FATHER: Now do me a favor, honey. You just hold this right here –

(Dennis’ father hands Kelsey a brush.)

KELSEY: What’s this?

FATHER: What’s it’s look like? It’s a brush.

KELSEY: What’s this for?

DENNIS: That’s for scraping the hide clean. After we scald it.

KELSEY: Ewwww!

FATHER: Don’t want any bristles getting into the scrapple, you know.

KELSEY: Oh yuck!

FATHER: And you can hold this.

(Dennis’ father hands Kelsey a large knife.)

KELSEY: What’s this for?

(Dennis father exits.)

DENNIS: Oh, that’s for slicing the head off.

KELSEY: (Screams).

(Dennis’ little brother enters.)

LITTLE BROTHER: You know, that new girlfriend of yours squeals just like a pig. You ever noticed that?

KELSEY: (Screams).

LITTLE BROTHER: I wonder if she’s gonna faint like the one last year? That was cool!

KELSEY (to the audience): And did I mention the absolutely insufferable little brother?

LITTLE BROTHER: Remember how she fell right into the slop trough?! Sweet!

KELSEY: (Screams).

LITTLE BROTHER: Oh look, there she goes again!

KELSEY (to the audience): They made me stand there – all fucking morning – out there in the freezing cold – while they – they – oh, I don’t even want to talk about what they did.

DENNIS: See that one over there? The fat one? With the big snout? That one’s Gertrude. She’s my favorite.

KELSEY (to the audience): I mean, they had named them and everything!

DENNIS: We’ll wait and kill her last. Let’s start with Penelope instead.

LITTLE BROTHER: Can I help! I wanna help!

DENNIS: Sure thing. Come on.

(Dennis and little brother move toward exit.)

LITTLE BROTHER: Can I shoot Penelope? Can I? Can I?

DENNIS: I dunno. You gotta kill her on the first shot, you know. You remember what happened last year with Petunia, don’t you?

(Dennis and little brother exit.)

KELSEY (to the audience): They killed them! Every last one of them! Oh God, it was awful. They shot them, they drained their blood, and then they boiled them and – oh God, I don’t even want to think about it. Oh!

You know that diversity class they all made us take during freshman orientation? About how we’re all supposed to respect each other’s differences? Well, fuck that! I don’t think anyone ever imagined anything like this when they were talking about that!

And then – oh God, then! – you won’t believe this – to top it off, Dennis comes up to me when it’s all done – and you won’t believe what he did!

(Dennis and his little brother enter. They’re holding something in their hands – gumballs or chocolate drops will do. Something small and round.)

DENNIS (enthusiastically): Hey Kelsey, I’ve got a present for you.

KELSEY (to Dennis, warily): What kind of present?

DENNIS: Just close your eyes.

KELSEY (warily): I dunno.

DENNIS: Oh come on.

KELSEY (warily closing her eyes): OK.

DENNIS: Now hold out your hand.

KELSEY (extending her hand warily): This isn’t going to be anything icky is it?

(DENNIS puts something in her hand.)

DENNIS: Here you go.

KELSEY (opening her eyes): What’s this?

DENNIS: This is for being such a good sport today.

KELSEY (insistently): What is this?

DENNIS: Sweets for my sweet!

LITTLE BROTHER: It’s a hog testicle!

KELSEY: (screams).

(Kelsey runs off stage. Dennis and his little brother stand on stage, looking at each other.)

LITTLE BROTHER: What’s with her?

DENNIS: I dunno. Guess maybe she was expecting both of them?

(Dennis pops one of the, er, gumballs in his mouth, and chews it.)

(Lights begin to fade.)

Ummm, good.

LITTLE BROTHER: Can I have another?

(Lights out)

------------------- THE END --------------------------

Cast of characters – Total of four: 3 male, 1 female

Kelsey (F), a young woman from the city dating a farmer’s son

Dennis (M), the farmer’s son

Father (M), the farmer

Little brother (M), the insufferable younger brother

Props:

Wire brush

Large knife

Gumballs or other candies

Dwayne Yancey

1791 Mount Pleasant Church Road

Fincastle, VA 24090

Days: 540 981 3113

Nights: 540 473 3313

dwayneyancey@yahoo.com