KELSEYS WORST DATING EXPERIENCE EVER
By Dwayne Yancey
Copyright 2004; all rights reserved.
(A young woman speaks directly to the audience.)
KELSEY: and the worst I mean the absolutely worst! dating experience I ever had was with this guy named Dennis. I mean, wed been going out almost the whole semester and things are going really well, right, when he invites me to his place for Thanksgiving. You know, to meet Mom and Dad. So you know things are serious, right? Well, let me tell you; they lived out on this farm, see
(A flashback scene. A young man knocks on her bedroom door.)
DENNIS (from outside the door): Rise and shine!
KELSEY (from inside): Rise and shine?
DENNIS (from outside the door): Kelsey? Wake up! Its time to get started!
KELSEY (speaking to the audience): So he comes banging on my door at, like, I dont know, 5 a.m. or some ungodly hour like that. You know, its the parents place, so separate bedrooms and all that. Anyway, its 5 fucking AM!
DENNIS (from outside the door): Are you getting ready, Kelsey? We dont want to miss anything!
KELSEY (from inside, groggily): Miss what?
DENNIS (from outside the door): Its our Thanksgiving tradition!
KELSEY (speaking to the audience): Thanksgiving tradition. Yeah, right. Get up at the crack of dawn. Its one of those, I dont know, farming things, I guess. Me, Im a city girl. Suburban, actually. My idea of a Thanksgiving tradition is Ocean Spray cranberry sauce. Out of a can. (Calling out to Dennis.) So what kind of tradition is this, exactly?
DENNIS (proudly): Well, what else do people do on Thanksgiving Day? Its time for hog slaughtering!
KELSEY (to Dennis): Hog what?
DENNIS: You know, butchering! Making sausage! Pork rinds!
KELSEY (speaking to the audience): And did I mention that Im a vegetarian? (To Dennis) You got me up at 5 oclock in the morning to watch somebody kill a hog?
DENNIS: Oh no, not at all.
KELSEY (to Dennis): Well, good!
DENNIS: I got you up so you could help.
KELSEY (to Dennis): What?
(Dennis father enters, with a wire brush and a large knife.)
FATHER: Ah, there you are. Thought we were gonna have to start without you. Glad you could make it.
KELSEY (to Mr. Thomas): But but but
FATHER: Now do me a favor, honey. You just hold this right here
(Dennis father hands Kelsey a brush.)
KELSEY: Whats this?
FATHER: Whats its look like? Its a brush.
KELSEY: Whats this for?
DENNIS: Thats for scraping the hide clean. After we scald it.
FATHER: Dont want any bristles getting into the scrapple, you know.
KELSEY: Oh yuck!
FATHER: And you can hold this.
(Dennis father hands Kelsey a large knife.)
KELSEY: Whats this for?
(Dennis father exits.)
DENNIS: Oh, thats for slicing the head off.
(Dennis little brother enters.)
LITTLE BROTHER: You know, that new girlfriend of yours squeals just like a pig. You ever noticed that?
LITTLE BROTHER: I wonder if shes gonna faint like the one last year? That was cool!
KELSEY (to the audience): And did I mention the absolutely insufferable little brother?
LITTLE BROTHER: Remember how she fell right into the slop trough?! Sweet!
LITTLE BROTHER: Oh look, there she goes again!
KELSEY (to the audience): They made me stand there all fucking morning out there in the freezing cold while they they oh, I dont even want to talk about what they did.
DENNIS: See that one over there? The fat one? With the big snout? That ones Gertrude. Shes my favorite.
KELSEY (to the audience): I mean, they had named them and everything!
DENNIS: Well wait and kill her last. Lets start with Penelope instead.
LITTLE BROTHER: Can I help! I wanna help!
DENNIS: Sure thing. Come on.
(Dennis and little brother move toward exit.)
LITTLE BROTHER: Can I shoot Penelope? Can I? Can I?
DENNIS: I dunno. You gotta kill her on the first shot, you know. You remember what happened last year with Petunia, dont you?
(Dennis and little brother exit.)
KELSEY (to the audience): They killed them! Every last one of them! Oh God, it was awful. They shot them, they drained their blood, and then they boiled them and oh God, I dont even want to think about it. Oh!
You know that diversity class they all made us take during freshman orientation? About how were all supposed to respect each others differences? Well, fuck that! I dont think anyone ever imagined anything like this when they were talking about that!
And then oh God, then! you wont believe this to top it off, Dennis comes up to me when its all done and you wont believe what he did!
(Dennis and his little brother enter. Theyre holding something in their hands gumballs or chocolate drops will do. Something small and round.)
DENNIS (enthusiastically): Hey Kelsey, Ive got a present for you.
KELSEY (to Dennis, warily): What kind of present?
DENNIS: Just close your eyes.
KELSEY (warily): I dunno.
DENNIS: Oh come on.
KELSEY (warily closing her eyes): OK.
DENNIS: Now hold out your hand.
KELSEY (extending her hand warily): This isnt going to be anything icky is it?
(DENNIS puts something in her hand.)
DENNIS: Here you go.
KELSEY (opening her eyes): Whats this?
DENNIS: This is for being such a good sport today.
KELSEY (insistently): What is this?
DENNIS: Sweets for my sweet!
LITTLE BROTHER: Its a hog testicle!
(Kelsey runs off stage. Dennis and his little brother stand on stage, looking at each other.)
LITTLE BROTHER: Whats with her?
DENNIS: I dunno. Guess maybe she was expecting both of them?
(Dennis pops one of the, er, gumballs in his mouth, and chews it.)
(Lights begin to fade.)
LITTLE BROTHER: Can I have another?
------------------- THE END --------------------------
Cast of characters Total of four: 3 male, 1 female
Kelsey (F), a young woman from the city dating a farmers son
Dennis (M), the farmers son
Father (M), the farmer
Little brother (M), the insufferable younger brother
Gumballs or other candies
1791 Mount Pleasant Church Road
Fincastle, VA 24090
Days: 540 981 3113
Nights: 540 473 3313
firstname.lastname@example.orgTHIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
Kelsey: Katie Cash
Dennis: Robb Rouse
Father: Todd Ristau
Little brother: Keith Yancey