TV ANCHOR: Good evening and welcome to the Colonial Broadcasting System. This is the news for July the 4th, 1776.

More violence today in the colonies.

In the troubled Virginia city of Williamsburg, insurgents kidnapped a royal tax collector and are threatening to behead him if their demands are not met within 24 hours. The militants – believed linked to the terrorist network of George Washington – say they want all British troops to leave the North American colonies.

The kidnappers released this photograph, showing the hostage begging for life while surrounded by hooded colonials.

(If done live, the hostage and several armed and hooded hostage-takers enter, upstage, and pose in the standard hostage-taking pose, while the TV anchor pauses.)

A royal spokesman said the British government would continue its policy of refusing to negotiate with terrorists.

(If done live, the hostage and hostage-takers exit.)

Meanwhile, in the rebel stronghold of Philadelphia, insurgents boldly staged their much-touted continental convention where they issued a fatwa in which they declared a holy war on the British government. A video posted on a website affiliated with the rebels showed a man, believed to be terror mastermind Thomas Jefferson, exhorting colonials to rebellion.

THOMAS JEFFERSON (entering upstage; ranting, like a madman): We hold these truths to be self-evident! That all men are created equal! That they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights! That among these are life! Liberty! And the pursuit of happiness!

TV ANCHOR: We’ll take a closer look at Jefferson’s so-called Declaration of Independence and his radical philosophy later in tonight’s broadcast.

In other news today, a carriage bomb exploded today in Boston, killing four people. A royal spokesman denounced the violence as the work of a handful of hard-liners who do not represent the vast majority of the American people . . . (Lights out.)

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