By Dwayne Yancey
Copyright 2004; all rights reserved.
(Lights down. The following lines take place in total darkness.)
WIFE (screams): Aaaah!
HUSBAND (runs in): Whats wrong? What is it?
WIFE (screams): Aaaaah!
HUSBAND: Oh my God! Oh my God!
WIFE and HUSBAND (scream): Aaaaah!
(Lights up. A backyard in south Florida. The wife and husband are standing on a picnic table, while an alligator suns himself on the lawn. The husband has a cellphone clipped to his belt or pocket.)
WIFE: So how longs it been?
HUSBAND: A couple hours now.
WIFE: Its still there.
HUSBAND: I know its still there.
WIFE: So is it ever going to move?
HUSBAND: I think its sunning itself.
WIFE: Great. Just (optional: fucking) great. We move to Florida the (optional: fucking) Sunshine State and now look were being held hostage by by by some reptile thats crawled out of the jungle!
HUSBAND: Its a wetlands.
WIFE: You sound like our Realtor. Its a (optional: fucking) swamp!
HUSBAND: Whatever. Once it gets dark, the thingll go back home and we can go inside.
WIFE: After dark? Im not walking around in the dark with that thing out there. No way.
HUSBAND: Well we cant stay out here forever.
WIFE: You got that right. Call 911 again.
HUSBAND: Ive called them three times already. They said theyre sending an animal control officer over.
WIFE: Well, where he is then?
HUSBAND: Look, I dont know, OK? Just chill.
WIFE: Its 90 (optional: fucking) degrees out here. I cant chill! (Pause.) You dont think we could make a run for it do you?
HUSBAND: Oh God no. Do you know how fast those things can move? They can go from zero to sixty just like that!
(He claps his hands together.)
WIFE: Ssssh. For Gods sake, dont wake him up then.
(Animal control officer, from off-stage.)
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Yoo-hoo? Anybody home!
WIFE: Oh, thank God. Theyre here!
HUSBAND: Were around back!
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Is it OK if I come around then?
WIFE: Oh God, yes! Justy hurry!
HUSBAND: Come on around if you dare!
WIFE: Oh God, what if it gets him, too?
HUSBAND: Dont worry. Im sure theyre trained to handle things like this.
(Animal control officer enters. Hes got some paperwork with him that he checks.)
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Howdy, there. Youre the Andersons, is it?
HUSBAND: Thats right.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Pest complaint, right?
WIFE: If you call that a pest! Its a fucking prehistoric monster if you ask me!
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Oh, what have we here? Yeah, Id say youve got yourself a gator, all right.
WIFE: So can you do something about it? And soon! Ive got to go to the bathroom!
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Yessirree, Im not surprised. This heres mating season, you know. We get a lot of the critters out moving all around.
HUSBAND: Well, could you see about, uh, moving this one along then?
(Begin optional trim.)
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You know, someone counted em up, and found we get 18,000 complaints a year about gators. Gators in the backyard. Gators in the frontyard. You know, once I worked a case where a gator had gotten into a house
WIFE: Oh God!
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Somebody had left the backdoor undone and the fellow had just sauntered right on into the kitchen.
WIFE: Oh God!
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Well, I guess saunter isnt quite the word Im looking for, not really a slither either, but you get the idea.
HUSBAND: We get the idea. Now could, you know, do something about this one?
(End optional trim.)
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Oh, Id say youve probably got more than one.
WIFE: More than one?
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: That one theres a female. So Id say theres a pretty good chance youve got a male around here someone. Frisky little fellows they are too this time of year, you know.
HUSBAND: No, I didnt know.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Let me just look around here some and I bet well find oh, there you go. Theres your male over there.
WIFE: Over where?
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Over there by those rose bushes.
WIFE (screams): Aaaah!
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Right good sized one, Id say, too. By the looks of him, Id say hes at least a 400-pounder. Now your female over there, Id say shes probably only 100, 120 pounds at most. This heres probably her first mating season.
HUSBAND: Look, we really dont need a Discovery Channel documentary here.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Notice how that big ol male blends in so well to his environment that hide makes for a natural camouflage.
HUSBAND: Well, how about turning some of that hide into a handbag!
WIFE: Or shoes. Shoes would be good.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Whats that? Oh, I get it now. Thats a good one. Thats a good one.
(He laughs, then turns serious.)
So, how do you think we should handle this situation?
HUSBAND: What do you mean?
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Well, our options are limited. We could let nature take its course.
WIFE: It looks to me like nature already has taken its course! A little too much nature, for my taste, if you ask me!
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Or, I suppose we could intervene somehow.
WIFE: Yeah that intervening thing. Lets try that one, OK?
HUSBAND: Youre the animal control officer. Do some controlling!
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Weve tried all kinds of traps and lures. Theyre successful most of the time.
HUSBAND: Youve got a gun with you, right? Cant you just shoot it?
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Youre authorizing me to use lethal force?
HUSBAND: Authorizing? Hell yes, Im authorizing.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Well, if you say so. Let me get my rifle.
(Animal control officer exits.)
WIFE: Whats with that guy, anyway? Acting like hes Mr. Nature Boy or something.
HUSBAND: Well get some action of out him now.
WIFE: I sure hope so. Ive got to go!
(Animal control officer returns, with rifle.)
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Well, its been awhile since Ive had to do this, so I might be a little rusty. Yall will just have to bear with me while I get ready, OK?
WIFE: Just point and shoot and get the damn thing over with, OK? How hard can it be?
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Well, OK, but Ive never really liked doing this
WIFE: Well, I dont like having some intruder in my backyard!
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Yes, mam, I can certainly understand that.
(The officer points the gun at the couple.)
HUSBAND: Hey, buddy, watch where youre pointing that thing.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Well, technically, youre the ones in his backyard. Now hold still for me so I can get a clean shot. Who wants to go first?
---------- THE END -----------------
Cast of three -- 1 male, 1 female, 1 non-gender role best played as male.
Animal control officer (NG, but best played as M)
A picnic table or other bench to stand on
A cellphone for the husband
A uniform and rifle for the animal control officer
You need not show the alligators.
1791 Mount Pleasant Church Road
Fincastle, VA 24090
Days: 540 981 3113
Nights: 540 473 3313
E-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.comTHIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
performed by Marin Miller, Chris Myers and John Bryant