THE NEVERGLADES

By Dwayne Yancey

Copyright 2004; all rights reserved.

(Lights down. The following lines take place in total darkness.)

WIFE (screams): Aaaah!

HUSBAND (runs in): What’s wrong? What is it?

WIFE (screams): Aaaaah!

HUSBAND: Oh my God! Oh my God!

WIFE and HUSBAND (scream): Aaaaah!

(Lights up. A backyard in south Florida. The wife and husband are standing on a picnic table, while an alligator suns himself on the lawn. The husband has a cellphone clipped to his belt or pocket.)

WIFE: So how long’s it been?

HUSBAND: A couple hours now.

WIFE: It’s still there.

HUSBAND: I know it’s still there.

WIFE: So is it ever going to move?

HUSBAND: I think it’s sunning itself.

WIFE: Great. Just (optional: fucking) great. We move to Florida – the (optional: fucking) Sunshine State – and now look – we’re being held hostage by – by – by some reptile that’s crawled out of the jungle!

HUSBAND: It’s a wetlands.

WIFE: You sound like our Realtor. It’s a (optional: fucking) swamp!

HUSBAND: Whatever. Once it gets dark, the thing’ll go back home and we can go inside.

WIFE: After dark? I’m not walking around in the dark with that thing out there. No way.

HUSBAND: Well we can’t stay out here forever.

WIFE: You got that right. Call 911 again.

HUSBAND: I’ve called them three times already. They said they’re sending an animal control officer over.

WIFE: Well, where he is then?

HUSBAND: Look, I don’t know, OK? Just chill.

WIFE: It’s 90 (optional: fucking) degrees out here. I can’t chill! (Pause.) You don’t think we could make a run for it do you?

HUSBAND: Oh God no. Do you know how fast those things can move? They can go from zero to sixty just like that!

(He claps his hands together.)

WIFE: Ssssh. For God’s sake, don’t wake him up then.

(Animal control officer, from off-stage.)

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Yoo-hoo? Anybody home!

WIFE: Oh, thank God. They’re here!

HUSBAND: We’re around back!

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Is it OK if I come around then?

WIFE: Oh God, yes! Justy hurry!

HUSBAND: Come on around – if you dare!

WIFE: Oh God, what if it gets him, too?

HUSBAND: Don’t worry. I’m sure they’re trained to handle things like this.

(Animal control officer enters. He’s got some paperwork with him that he checks.)

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Howdy, there. You’re the Andersons, is it?

HUSBAND: That’s right.

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Pest complaint, right?

WIFE: If you call that a pest! It’s a fucking prehistoric monster if you ask me!

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Oh, what have we here? Yeah, I’d say you’ve got yourself a gator, all right.

WIFE: So can you do something about it? And soon! I’ve got to go to the bathroom!

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Yessirree, I’m not surprised. This here’s mating season, you know. We get a lot of the critters out moving all around.

HUSBAND: Well, could you see about, uh, moving this one along then?

(Begin optional trim.)

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You know, someone counted ‘em up, and found we get 18,000 complaints a year about gators. Gators in the backyard. Gators in the frontyard. You know, once I worked a case where a gator had gotten into a house –

WIFE: Oh God!

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Somebody had left the backdoor undone and the fellow had just sauntered right on into the kitchen.

WIFE: Oh God!

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Well, I guess saunter isn’t quite the word I’m looking for, not really a slither either, but you get the idea.

HUSBAND: We get the idea. Now could, you know, do something about this one?

(End optional trim.)

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Oh, I’d say you’ve probably got more than one.

HUSBAND: What?

WIFE: More than one?

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: That one there’s a female. So I’d say there’s a pretty good chance you’ve got a male around here someone. Frisky little fellows they are too this time of year, you know.

HUSBAND: No, I didn’t know.

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Let me just look around here some and I bet we’ll find – oh, there you go. There’s your male over there.

WIFE: Over where?

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Over there by those rose bushes.

WIFE (screams): Aaaah!

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Right good sized one, I’d say, too. By the looks of him, I’d say he’s at least a 400-pounder. Now your female over there, I’d say she’s probably only 100, 120 pounds at most. This here’s probably her first mating season.

HUSBAND: Look, we really don’t need a Discovery Channel documentary here.

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Notice how that big ol’ male blends in so well to his environment – that hide makes for a natural camouflage.

HUSBAND: Well, how about turning some of that hide into a handbag!

WIFE: Or shoes. Shoes would be good.

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: What’s that? Oh, I get it now. That’s a good one. That’s a good one.

(He laughs, then turns serious.)

So, how do you think we should handle this situation?

HUSBAND: What do you mean?

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Well, our options are limited. We could let nature take its course.

WIFE: It looks to me like nature already has taken its course! A little too much nature, for my taste, if you ask me!

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Or, I suppose we could intervene somehow.

WIFE: Yeah – that intervening thing. Let’s try that one, OK?

HUSBAND: You’re the animal control officer. Do some controlling!

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: We’ve tried all kinds of traps and lures. They’re successful most of the time.

HUSBAND: You’ve got a gun with you, right? Can’t you just shoot it?

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You’re authorizing me to use lethal force?

HUSBAND: Authorizing? Hell yes, I’m authorizing.

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Well, if you say so. Let me get my rifle.

(Animal control officer exits.)

WIFE: What’s with that guy, anyway? Acting like he’s Mr. Nature Boy or something.

HUSBAND: We’ll get some action of out him now.

WIFE: I sure hope so. I’ve got to go!

(Animal control officer returns, with rifle.)

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Well, it’s been awhile since I’ve had to do this, so I might be a little rusty. Y’all will just have to bear with me while I get ready, OK?

WIFE: Just point and shoot and get the damn thing over with, OK? How hard can it be?

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Well, OK, but I’ve never really liked doing this –

WIFE: Well, I don’t like having some intruder in my backyard!

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Yes, m’am, I can certainly understand that.

(The officer points the gun at the couple.)

HUSBAND: Hey, buddy, watch where you’re pointing that thing.

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: Well, technically, you’re the ones in his backyard. Now hold still for me so I can get a clean shot. Who wants to go first?

(Lights out.)

---------- THE END -----------------

Cast of three -- 1 male, 1 female, 1 non-gender role best played as male.

Wife (F)

Husband (M)