NOW HIRING FOR TOOTH FAIRY
By Dwayne Yancey
Copyright 2003; all rights reserved.
(There are three chairs, each under a spotlight. A woman sits in each one.The spotlight is on the women when they are speaking, and is off when they are not. Somewhere, a sign is displayed that reads: "Now Hiring For Tooth Fairy." Kathy is a dental hygienest and is very precise; Chelsea is a pre-school teacher and is quite effusive; Sadie is, well, hip and disgruntled. The lights come up. Kathy reviews her paperwork.)
KATHY (checks the time): They must be running late.
CHELSEA: Oh, Im so excited. I cant believe Im here.
KATHY: I wonder how many theyre talking to?
SADIE (sucking on a lollipop): You here for the interviews, too?
CHELSEA: I couldnt believe it when I heard there was an opening. I was jumping all around. Oh, pick me! Pick me! Pick me!
SADIE (taking out a cigarette): Do you mind if I smoke while we wait?
KATHY: Why? Are you nervous?
SADIE (with the cigarette): No, I just like to smoke. It gives me something to do.
CHELSEA (standing, extending her hand to shake): Pleased to meet you. Im Chelsea.
KATHY (standing, extending her hand to shake): My name is Katherine. You can call me Kathy. Thats Kathy with a K, not a C. And a Y, not an I at the end.
SADIE (standing, but slouching, still holding her cigarette): Yeah, thats me. Sadie. I guess I ought to put this out now, huh? Do you have an ashtray? Thanks.
KATHY (sitting again): Well, as you can see from my resume, Im a certified dental technician. So I work with teeth every day. All kinds of teeth
CHELSEA (sitting again): Well, Ive always loved children. Ever since I was a child. I guess I enjoyed being a child. And then when I got older I was always volunteering to do baby-sitting. I guess I really enjoy working with children.
SADIE (sitting again, but chewing gum): What got me interested? Well, I need a job. Well, a new job. Right now, Im waiting tables and you know what that can be like.
CHELSEA: And did I tell you how much I enjoy working with children? So in college I studied early childhood education, and I interned at a day care center in the summers, so I guess you could say Ive been around children my whole life.
KATHY: So I was looking for something in the dental field with some upward mobility, but dental school really seemed out of reach financially, that is. Academically, Im sure I could handle it.
SADIE (still chewing gum): So my moms been on me to find a real job. I think shes tired of me still living at home. She says its time I get serious about something. But shes always telling me I should find something Im interested in, you know?
CHELSEA: So Ive been around a lot of kids who are loosing teeth, and I know how excited they get whenever theyve got one about to come loose.
KATHY: So thats when I heard about the opening for tooth fairy, and it just seemed a natural fit.
CHELSEA: And I remember when I was little, it was always really a big deal when we lost a tooth.
SADIE (still chewing gum): And then my mom says, Sadie, one other thing, please dont go popping that gum when youre out on a job interview. So thats when it hits me, you know?
CHELSEA: Wed always put the tooth in an envelope or a Zip-loc bag so the tooth fairy could find it under our pillow. I guess she didnt want to have to root around when we were sleeping, you know.
KATHY: In the dental profession, the tooth fairy is as big as, well, I dont know, flouride!
SADIE (chewing on a pen): I mean, Ive always had this oral fixation, you know? It always drove my mom nuts.
CHELSEA: It started out, Id get a dollar per tooth. A whole dollar.
KATHY: Molars. We always got paid more for molars than for incisors or bicuspids.
SADIE (chewing on a pencil): I used to come home from school with teeth marks all over my No. 2 lead pencil, and my mom would yell at me: Young lady, if you keep that up, youre going to have to have braces!
KATHY: When I was in high school, I had to get my wisdom teeth out.
SADIE: (chewing on pencil): I had to get braces anyway, so what difference did it make?
KATHY: I got twenty dollars for each wisdom tooth.
CHELSEA: So I was always curious, how does the tooth fairy get in the house? I mean, Santa Claus comes down the chimney. But how does the tooth fairy get in? It must be some kind of magic, right? I hope theres training for that because Im no good at the magic thing.
SADIE (fiddling with the pencil): Next, she warned me about lead poisoning. But I knew better than that. Its not real lead; its graphite.
KATHY: Plus, the tooth fairy is one of the few strong female role models out there, so naturally I looked up to her.
CHELSEA: And is there just one of her? Or are there a bunch of them, and they work in shifts? I mean, its a big world, and its always nighttime somewhere, right?
KATHY: The tooth fairy is a woman, right? You know, being a fairy, I just always assumed, well, you know, that shes a she.
SADIE (popping a mint into her mouth): Mind if I try one of those mints? Thanks. Umm, theyre good. Kind of like Altoids. Want one?
CHELSEA: Im just real excited at the prospect of working with children. Theres nothing quite like bringing a smile to a childs face. A big toothy smile.
Or a toothless one, if theyre missing their front teeth. Either way is fine with me.
SADIE (peels a banana): Experience? So what kind of experience are you looking for? Thats rather personal dont you think?
CHELSEA: Well, lets see, I cant say as Ive got any real fairy experience, but one time when I was little, I was an angel in the Christmas pageant, and I had to wear these cute little wings made out of cheesecloth and pipe cleaners. So does the tooth fairy have wings?
KATHY: I can identify all the different kinds of teeth, both adult and juvenile. Plus, Im trained to spot most forms of gum disease. And I can offer routine forms of dental care, such as cleaning.
SADIE (eating the banana): You mind if I eat while we talk?
KATHY: And insurance claims Im familiar with the insurance forms and procedures of all the major carriers.
CHELSEA: And I just love dress-up games. I think it would be really cool to be able to dress up for real, you know? I mean, the tooth fairys must have some kind of special costume, right? Some kind of gown or robe or something?
SADIE (brushing her teeth, talking with toothbrush in mouth): What? I always brush after I eat. (Takes out the toothbrush) Dont want to get cavities, you know? (Plays with the toothbrush.) You ever tried these new brushes with the hard bristles? They do a pretty good job.
KATHY: Flossing. Most people dont realize how important flossing is. If were fortunate enough to get this position, Id really want to emphasize the importance of flossing.
SADIE (flossing): Pardon me.
CHELSEA: Well, I suppose I do have one question. What about old people? When they get dentures, does the tooth fairy come visit them? Or is it just a kids thing? Either way is fine. I was just curious.
SADIE (finishing flossing): Mind if I spit? (Optional: She spits into a cup) Gag reflex, you know?
CHELSEA: Nights? No, I dont mind working nights. When I was a baby-sitter, I worked a lot of nights. The latest I ever let kids stay up was 10, and thats because their parents told me I could let them stay up late if they were really good for me.
KATHY: Well, if those are the hours that are required, Im prepared to do what it takes to win this position.
SADIE (taking out a cigarette): So I guess I always pictured the tooth fairy as this Anne Rice kind of character, you know? Kind of dark and mysterious. I mean, she sneaks around in peoples bedrooms in the middle of the night, right? Thats pretty kinky. You mind if I smoke?
--- THE END -------
A paper cup.
Paperwork for Kathy.
Sign: "Now Hiring For Tooth Fairy."
Ideally, Kathy would wear some kind of business suit. Chelsea would wear something more frilly and casual, like a peasant dress perhaps. Sadie? Have fun with Sadie.
First performed Nov. 14, 2003 at No Shame Theatre, Roanoke, Va., with Rhianna Smith as Sadie, Kristen Baeher as Chelsea and Rachel Nelson as Kathy.
1791 Mount Pleasant Church Road
Fincastle, Va. 24090
Days: 981 3113
Website:www.storyfoundry.com; search under "playwrights." THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR