Jesse: Don’t you hate it when you get your leg chopped off?

Howard: Yeah and then you have to get a wooden peg leg?

Jesse: Yeah, and then totally by coincidence you’re eating a grapefruit?

Howard: And the grapefruit juice squirts into your eye?

Jesse: And then you try to get the grapefruit juice out of your eye with a fork?

Howard: Yeah, and you succeed but the eye comes out with it?

Jesse: So you eat your eye because it tastes like grapefruit juice?

Howard: So suddenly you have a peg leg and eye patch?

Jesse: And then you spill bird seed on your shoulder?

Howard: And then birds constantly land on your shoulder?

Jesse: And then you try to eat the birds?

Howard: And then they scratch your vocal chords?

Jesse: And then you have to clear your throat a lot?

Howard: So all you can say is argh?

Jesse: And then a little girl says “look, mommy it’s a pirate”?

Howard: And then you use you hook for a hand to chop her head off?

Jesse: And then her mom punches you in the balls?

Howard: So then you chop her head off?

Jesse: You know what else I hate?

Neil: Hey, don’t you hate pants? (J&H shout “yeah!” pull pants down and do the rest of the play with pants around ankles)

Howard: Don’t you hate it when you write a play telling the audience that you weren’t wearing any underwear?

Jesse: But then you do another play?

Howard: And you drop your pants in that play?

Jesse: So the entire audience can see that you are, indeed, wearing underwear?

Howard: Which not only exposes you as a pathological liar, but also a loser all around?

Jesse: And not funny?

Howard: You know what that reminds me of?

Jesse: Don’t you hate it when you fall down?

Howard: And you have to go to the doctor because of it?

Jesse: And you have to explain to him why a... what’s it called?

Howard: GI Joe.

Jesse: GI Joe was stuck up your ass?

Howard: And why it was lubricated?

Jesse: And the doctor tells you not to stick GI Joes up your ass anymore?

Howard: And you say “fuck you doctor, I’m not gay.”?

Jesse: But the doctor still won’t fuck you? Faggot!

Howard: Don’t you hate it when you walk into your room?

Jesse: And there’s a blender in the middle of the room?

Howard: And your dick gets caught in the blender?

Jesse: And your girlfriend turns the blender on as a joke?

Howard: She sets it to puree?

Jesse: And the dog drinks your pureed penis, thinking it’s some sort of protein shake?

Howard: And even though there would be a considerable amount of protein in it, the dog shouldn’t drink it anyway?

Jesse: So you have to go to the doctor again?

Howard: And he asks why there’s still a GI Joe up your ass?

"A Dissertation" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"A Dissertation" debuted February 2, 2001, performed by Jesse Wozniak & Howard Zimmerle.

Performed at Best of No Shame on April 27, 2001.

Performed at No Shame / Iowa City on October 3, 2003 by Jesse Wozniak & Howard Zimmerle.

---

[Back to: Library]