Howard: I was surfing the net the other day, and I found a site called sexualrecords.com.

Jesse: You were looking for porn weren’t you?

Howard: It doesn’t matter what I was looking for... the whole point of the story is...

Jesse: I don’t care about your story, you were looking for porn.

Howard: OK, OK, I was looking for porn.

Jesse: Was it that sick porn where girls are peeing and stuff?

Howard: No way!! That shit is gross. How could anyone get off by looking at girls pee?

Jesse: I know? Sick fucks! I mean I’ve tried, just to see if I can get something out of it. I’ve even tried getting aroused first, then looking at pictures of girls peeing and hoping I would like it. Nothing.

Howard: Alright, well you’re a freak. Anyway, back to my story. I was on sexualrecords.com, and one of the records was most dangerous sexual practice. I looked at it, and it’s called autoerotic-asphyxiation. Basically what that means it right before orgasm you hold your breath. The light headed feeling combined with, I don’t know, other stuff causes many people to die.

Jesse: People die from that?? Holy crap!

Howard: I know! I would try it, but with my luck I’d probably be the one to die. I could just see the obituary: cause of death: holding breath while masturbating. How fucking humiliating.

Jesse: Not only that, but what if I walk into our room someday just to see you lying there dead, penis in your hand, god only knows what covering your body? Probably a porn in the background. What the fuck do I do then? Call 911? “Hello, my roommate apparently passed out while jerking off. (pause) Because he’s a dumbass, how am I supposed to know?? (pause) No, I’m not checking for a pulse. Because I’d have to touch him, that’s why!”

Howard: No shit. I seriously can’t think of a more pathetic way to die.

Jesse: I can, but it involves weasels and would take a while to explain.

Howard: We’re really fucked up. You know that? We’re seriously fucked up.

Jesse: I don’t follow you.

Howard: Never mind. You know, I hate the freaking radio. It always plays the same 40 damn songs from 10 years ago over and over again. Case in point:

Howard and Jesse: (dryly, in a Ben Stein like monotone) She drives me crazy, woo hoo. Like no one else, woo hoo. She drives me crazy, and I can’t help myself.

Howard: That was some mad singing there, dog. I give you mad props on that one.

Jesse: Dog? Props? Howard, you’re white. You can neither possess dogs nor allocate props.

Howard: Man, why you gots to be wastin my flava?

Jesse: Don’t you get it? You’re white! You don’t HAVE flava. You can’t flow. Your baby doesn’t “got back”. You can’t even back that azz up! You have a small penis and you suck at basketball.

Howard: Oh yeah. I think I’m going to put on some country music and watch hockey on TV.

Jesse: Much better.

Howard: Damn, I forgot I needed to do laundry. I’m all out of boxers.

Jesse: You mean you’re ALMOST out of boxers. You can’t totally be totally out because you’re wearing a pair. You are wearing underwear, right? (pause) Oh My God. You’re going with an unfurnished basement!

Howard: Yup.

Jesse: How can you do that? Don’t you need a little support or something?

Howard: Nope. I’m living in freedom. ABSOLUTE FREEDOM!!! (singing) Now I’m free. Free ballin’.

Jesse: Well, commence being gay. I’ve gotta go to the bathroom.

Howard: Enjoy yourself. (waits until he’s gone for a second, then dials telephone).

Justin Timberlake: Hi, you’ve reached the Justin Timberlake hotline. I hope you and I can be “N-Sync” together! Here is a list of words that rhyme with Timberlake: Timberrake, Limbersnake... People say I’m dating Britney Spears, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have a chance with me.

Howard: He says I have a chance!!! Oh shit, Woz is back.

Jesse: Who was on the phone?

Howard: Telemarketer.

Jesse: That’s funny, I didn’t hear the phone ring.

Howard: I have a cold.

Jesse: So that means I have trouble hearing things?

Howard: Yes.

Jesse: I see.

(both sit silently for a little while)

Howard: Jesse? Have you ever noticed that every other Friday around 10PM we always get into wacky adventures that play themselves out in about 5 minutes or less?

Jesse: Yes. Yes I have noticed that. (looks at watch)

Howard: Shouldn’t something be happening about now?

Jesse: Yes. Yes something should be happening pretty soon.

Howard: Woah, wait.... hold up... I think something’s happening! No, wait, never mind.

Jesse: What was it?

Howard: Just gas.

Jesse: Oh.

(both sit silently for a little longer)

Howard: (falls over). Look! Look Woz, I fell over!!! Does that count as something wacky?

Jesse: You bet it does!! Howard, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: You are the KING of wacky.

Howard: Thanks!

Jesse: Well, Howard, we’ve both learned valuable lessons today. I’ve learned that no matter how much you masturbate; you’re still not necessarily qualified to be president.

Howard: And I’ve learned the true meaning of groundhogs day.

"A Play About Nothing, Like Seinfeld, but Less Funny" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"A Play About Nothing, Like Seinfeld, but Less Funny" debuted February 2, 2001, performed by Howard Zimmerle & Jesse Wozniak.

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