Howard: Well, here I am again. It’s been a tough, last oh, I don’t know, 19 1/2 years for me. It all seems to come back to my struggles with women. Here is an example of a typical encounter between a female and myself: Hi, my name is Howard. Can I take you out to dinner sometime?? (Assumes voice of a woman) You won’t be needing this! (makes tearing noises and pretends to rip a still-beating heart out of someone’s chest. Then assumes normal voice again.) AAAAAUGH!!!! Is that a new kind of pepper spray?? It’s really painful... I think I’m blind. (Pause) Can I call you sometime? AAAAAAAAUGH!!!!! (Falls on floor in pain) Stop, stop, I’m already dead!!!

As I lie there in extreme pain, clutching the gaping hole in my chest where my heart used to be and hoping my life’s blood doesn’t all pass between my fingers, I start to wonder. What the hell’s wrong with me?? It used to be looks. I know this because girls always told me they liked me as a friend. As you all know, that’s just girlspeak for “I like your personality, but you’re ugly. I hope you’re not upset.” Now, some of you are sitting there thinking “Howard you dumb honky, it doesn’t mean that.” Oh yeah? One time I asked a girl out. She started laughing. And kept laughing. And laughing. And calling her friends and making them laugh. I’m no genius, but I took it as a no. I asked her why she didn’t want to date me. “Well Howard, you have a nice personality, but you’re ugly. Hope you’re not upset. Now get your hand off my butt.”

After I got done crying, I realized something needed to change. I started working out, lost some weight, and got a different haircut. Girls found me, well, while not attractive per se, they found me better than repugnant. WOO-HOO!!!! I WAS BETTER THAN REPUGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!! I thought I was sure to be standing at the door of the poontang factory then! Nope. Now girls are telling me “You’re cute and all, but you’re an asshole. And get your hand off my butt!”

I just don’t get it. I think in college catalogs where they discuss student to faculty ratio and stuff, they should also have a “girls willing to date Howard Zimmerle ratio.” I’m sure that UNI would have the lowest such ratio in the continental US. The highest such ratio would probably be in a specialty school for the fat, blind, and drunk if there is such a thing. Oh, there is, it’s called Iowa State.

Anyway, point being I thought I needed a change. I have finally realized that girls like a little romance in their lives. Therefore, I decided to write a song to all the prospective ladies out there. A love song from me to you. Oh, and before the law suits start flying, I just want to remind you all that Barenaked Ladies ripped ME off. Here goes.

If I had a dollar fifty (If I had a dollar fifty) I’d buy you a stamp (I’d buy you a stamp)

If I had a dollar fifty (If I had a dollar fifty) I’d buy you a pop (Like a Mountain Dew or a Sprite)

If I had a dollar fifty (If I had a dollar fifty) I’d buy you some gum (Cause everybody likes gum)

If I had a dollar fifty (If I had a dollar fifty) I’d buy your love

If I had a dollar fifty I’d grill a hot dog in your yard

If I had a dollar fifty You could help it wouldn’t be that hard

If I had a dollar fifty Maybe we could let a homeless guy stay in there somewhere (And you know, feed him bits of the hot dog and stuff)

If I had a dollar fifty (If I had a dollar fifty) I’d buy you a shirt (A shirt at Goodwill)

If I had a dollar fifty (If I had a dollar fifty) I’d buy you a bus pass (But not a real bus pass that’s cruel)

If I had a dollar fifty (If I had a dollar fifty) I’d let you see me naked (But I guess I’d do that anyway)

If I had a dollar fifty (If I had a dollar fifty) I’d buy you a 20 minute phone call for only 99 cents with 10-10-220. Yes, that’s 10-10-220 for all your long distance needs.

If I had a dollar fifty (If I had a dollar fifty) I’d buy your love

If I had a dollar fifty We wouldn’t have to rob the convenience store

If I had a dollar fifty We wouldn’t be poor anymore

If I had a dollar fifty... I’d be rich.

Thank you! You can all get my phone number after the show!!

"If I Had $1.50" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"If I Had $1.50" debuted January 19, 2001, performed by Howard Zimmerle.

---

[Back to: Library]