Jim: Hi, I’m Jim Lerher, here with highlights from the presidential debates to help you make your decision between Vice President Bore and Governor Shrub.. The first question is from Bob Jones, of South Point, Maryland

Question 1: Vice President Bore, this question is for you. What qualities do you have that would make you a good president?

Bore: I’ll field that one. I would like to thank the city of New York, my wife Flipper, and all of the little Boramaniacs across this fine nation. I would be a good president because I am for Education, against crime, and I whole heartedly support children. And puppy dogs. Oh, oh, and religion.

Shrub: Don’t let vice-president Bore’s subliminable messages fool you. I have qualities that would make me a good president, I mean, I almost graduated form college. But I think a more appropriate question to ask would be “Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who? Who, who?”

Jim: That’s was...odd. The next question will be asked by Steve Leiderman from Intercourse, Pennsylvania.

Question 2: My question has to do with taxes. They’re too high.

Bore: ...And that was a question HOW?? (Mocking voice) “My question is taxes are too high”. What the hell was THAT??? You must be a product of Governor Shrub’s education plan!

Shrub: Hey! Our children be learning! But, to agree with the vice president, that wasn’t a question. Go back to fucking school.

Bore: While I agree with the Governor that you really need to go back to fucking school, I would like to answer his pathetic attempt at a question. When I was campaigning, I met a woman named Ira Jensen. She has been out of work for the last 25 years, and in order to pay for her prescription drugs, she has been forced to live in Rosie O’Donnel’s cleavage. This may sound like an exaggeration, but keep in mind, Rosie is a very big woman.

Shrub: While I was campaigning, I ran into a woman who makes only 25 million dollars a year. She drives a 1987 Pontiac Bonnevile... plated in gold. When she goes to bed at night, she sleeps on piles of money, with nothing but her many big screen TVs to lull her to sleep. Her servants work hard to put food on the table. Why then, should she have to pay taxes? Taxes that go to things like educating negro children? Taxes need to be cut!

Bore: With all due respect, I have to disagree with the governor. He says taxes need to be cut. This is simply not true! I believe taxes need to be cut!

Shrub: While I have the utmost respect for the vice president’s statements, I think he is living in a world of make believe! With leprechauns, eskimos, and elves with funny little hats. Taxes need to be cut.

Jim: Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m moving to Canada. Regardless, the next question concerning our mediocre nation comes from Bill Burns of Lake Titticoca.

Question 3: Is democracy a good thing, or a bad thing?

Shrub: I’m not some big city “spendocrat”, so I’m not familiar with this “democritily” you speak of, but rest assured, my advisors might! (Applause sign)

Bore: I want to put democracy in a lockbox, where future generations can’t touch it. And cut taxes.

Jim: I wonder if it hurts them to be that stupid. Anyway, this question comes from Sally Smithington of Ball State University.

Question 4: Governor Shrub? What is your current position on Social Security reform?

Shrub: I’m sorry! I couldn’t hear you! All I could hear was the decimation of family values! You’re a woman, yet you’re not in the home. You’re not in the kitchen, barefoot, pregnant, and cooking! What has happened to our society?

Jim:...and it’s official, God hates me. Anyhoo, our next question is from Bill Johnson of Peoira, Illinois

Question 5: What is the biggest problem with our society today?

Bore: Poverty.

Shrub: Gay people.

Jim: And our final question will be asked by me, so that maybe there can be an actual question asked. Do either of you have actual opinions of your own, or are you just spewing pointless rhetoric?

Shrub: (pause) Opinions are for ethnic people.

Jim: For the love of God people! Don’t vote! Do whatever you can to stop the stupidity! Please...(giving up) oh, never mind. Let’s go get some beer.

"How to Master Debate (highlights from the presidential debate)" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"How to Master Debate (highlights from the presidential debate)" debuted October 20, 2000, performed by Howard Zimmerle, Jesse Wozniak & Austin Knuss.

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