copyright © 2000 Jesse Wozniak & Howard Zimmerle

The Hand Job

Jesse: (Warning to audience) I just want to warn you in the first five rows... you will get wet. Enjoy the show!

(Jesse sits frozen at a desk. Howard speaks to audience.)

Howard: I’ve never really had a good job. In fact, I’ve never really HAD a job. My endeavors never really seem to pan out. Door to door salesman, porn star, door to door porn star. I guess it’s time for me to apply for a real job. That, my friends, is why I’m here. I’ve never done this sort of thing before, so like a blind man at an orgy, I’ll have to feel things out.

Jesse: (as Howard walks in, Jesse unfreezes) Mr. Zimmerle, I presume?

Howard: Yup. (shakes Jesse’s hand)

Jesse: Well... how can I put this? I’ve reviewed your application, and I just don’t think you’re qualified for this job. Let’s take a look at your resume here... under position desired, you wrote “doggystyle.”

Howard: Oh. My bad.

Jesse: I’m not finished. Under college attended, you wrote “my cat’s breath smells like cat food.” Under previous experience you drew half of your hand, and under career goals you drew the other half of your hand. Not only that, but where you were supposed to attach a list of recommendations, you only attached naked pictures of Bea Arthur.

Howard: Is that a problem?

Jesse: Not the Bea Arthur pictures, but everything else was, yes. (freezes)

Howard: (to audience) Whew! This was going to be tough. Just like a midget at a urinal, I’ll have to stay on my toes.

Jesse: (unfreezes) Plus from what I have witnessed, your behavior seems quite inappropriate at times.

Howard: Inappropriate? How??

Jesse: Well, for instance, when you arrived you killed my secretary. That was completely uncalled for.

Howard: (sarcastically) Sorry, Mr. Perfect, I didn’t know this place was so high society!

Jesse: Frankly, I fail to see how you think you can work for BET, or Black Entertainment Television. You wouldn’t entertain black people! You wouldn’t entertain anyone! In fact, for you, a day of big pimpin’ would be just a day of regular pimpin’.

Howard: Hey! I have some good qualities you just don’t get the chance to see. My pest control abilities, for instance. You don’t see any mice around, do you??? Do you!!??? No!! You know why? CAUSE THE PYTHONS ARE OUT!!! (flexes) Not only that, but I have worked diligently with the band “Foo Fighters.” It has been my life long calling to keep the world safe from Foo.

Jesse: You are wasting my valuable time, sir.

Howard: Did you just grab my ass?

Jesse: Uh, that’s physically impossible.

Howard: It’s o.k. if you like it. My mind is open to new things.

Jesse: I’m not gay, sir. Maybe you should just leave.

Howard: Listen. I’m sorry. I know I was never blessed with great intelligence. I know I “tend to pee my pants”, like to “push old ladies down” when they “try to cross the street”. I know I don’t have a “big penis” or any “working kidneys”. But I really need a job!!!!!

Jesse: I’m sorry Mr. Zimmerle, but I’m still not impressed. Hey! I have a crazy idea! (bounces racquetball for a while.) I have another crazy idea! How would you like the hand job?

Howard: I would like a hand job!

Jesse: No, THE hand job. You would work backstage giving a hand to whoever needs it. You know, kind of like a gopher.

Howard: Gopher, eh? So other than burrowing, what would this job entail?

Jesse: No, no. Go for! You go get things for people, or just help them out.

Howard: Are you hitting on me?

Jesse: I’m not gay, sir, and I wouldn’t hit on you even if I was. I’m more of a Tom Cruise Kind of guy, if he wasn’t married to that stupid, tall slut. I mean, you can just see into his eyes forever...I mean, I’m not gay!

Howard: Do you press charges against regicide? Because the Queen has just been pissing me off lately.

Jesse:...right....Well, you’re the only person who’s applied for the job, so I guess you’re hired. Any questions?

Howard: Yeah. What’s up with that show “Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place?” How come it’s just called “Two Guys and a Girl” now?

Jesse: I believe the pizza place left under contract disputes... Now do you have any questions relevant to the JOB???

Howard: Yeah. When do I get my hand job?

"The Hand Job" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR


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