Howard: All my life I’ve wanted a girlfriend. In fact most everything I do revolves around women. Look at the way I dress. Why would I spend $50 on a shirt if not to attract women? Ah, but now I am wary of the evil poison that is carried on the second X chromosome, for now my overlord...ahem...”girlfriend” wants me to take her to the ballet.

(Unfreezing)Jesse: You mean the little bear in that car?

Howard: I don’t think you know what the ballet is.(freezes)

Jesse: Probably not. I’ve never been. It’s something a rich girlfriend might drag you to, but my girlfriend’s not rich. Well, she’s not existent either. I have this problem with women not liking me. I think it all comes back to when I was born, a major turning point in my life where all of my problems started, especially problems with women. Through out life I’ve been doomed to be alone, whiling away the hours with pornography, masturbation, and usually a nice, big bag of potato chips.

Howard: Mmmm...potato chips...

Jesse: And during all this time, I’ve never figured out why women don’t like me.

(unfreezing)Howard: (inquisitively) I always thought it was because you’re gay.

Jesse: I’m not gay! I’ve tried to get women, but they just give me the classic lines, I’m washing my hair, I’m not gay, but I’ll try, me no speaka English...

Howard:(interrupting) All right!

Jesse: I don’t want to have to kill you, but I will, the judge said you’re supposed to stay at least 50 feet away from me, I‘m married to the sea...

Howard: (fed up)OK!(questioningly) Are you sure you’re not gay?

Jesse: I’M NOT GAY!!!

Howard: Shit, I was just asking! You know, it really would explain why you‘ve never had a girlfriend.

Jesse: Eh, if I did have a girlfriend, she’d probably want me to “comb my hair”, “change my underwear”, “bathe regularly”, and so on. It was entirely too much work to keep a woman.(freezes)

Howard: Look at him. He just sits there in misery with nothing but the playboy channel to comfort him. I guess I at least come home to an actual woman. I mean, I‘m not gay, but what if I did go to the ballet? How gay would that be? It’s ironic that to have a girlfriend, you pretty much have to be gay! And no matter what you do, your girlfriend always criticizes you and wants you to “change”.

Jesse:(unfreezes) I always thought she wanted to change you because your singing voice is somewhere between Biz Markie and Wesley Willis, you still say “pasghetti”, you are unemployed, you live with your parents, your penis is about the size of...

Howard: (interrupting) And you’re any better than I am?

Jesse:(offended) Hey, I’m not on trial here. You’re the one who can’t even stand up to his girlfriend.(freezes)

Howard: And he was right. I was actually contemplating going to the ballet. Finally I decided what I needed was freedom from her oppressive ways; prove my independence. So I thought to myself “Beer; now there’s a temporary solution to life’s problems”. That’s probably why I woke up in bed the next morning with a girl I didn’t even recognize. Perchance this was a mistake, because my girlfriend was “upset” with this! What the hell gives???

Jesse: I think I just don’t understand women. They say they want nice guys, but look at the pope! Does he ever get women??? Hell no! Or they want a guy with a sense of humor. O.K. Listen to this “A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Why the long face?’” Get it?!? (pause for lack of laughter). You see? I don’t understand. Why aren’t women flocking to me right now?

Howard: Maybe it’s because you’re gay.

Jesse: (interrupting)Fuck you. Oh well, not having a girlfriend keeps me from having to give up my dignity.

Howard: How so?

Jesse: Look at what happened to you.

Howard: (dejected)I finally went to the ballet with my girlfriend.

Jesse: You mean the bear in the little car?

Howard: No! It wasn’t too bad either. Could have used more beer and more violence. But I think it was a bonding experience for us. And by bonding, I mean emasculating. And you know what else? She also says I can’t swear! CAN’T FREAKING SWEAR!! You know what I think of that? It’s POOPY!!! Poopy, poopy, poopy! That Dag-nabbid bird licking missy!

Jesse: Watch your language!

Howard: But doohickey darn it to heck it makes me mad!(freezes)

Jesse: See the misery that poor bastard lives in? Culture, censorship, and an overwhelming lack of beer and violence. Masturbation and food may not be the answer, but they’re sure better than a girlfriend. In fact, I think masturbation and food should replace women all together.

Howard: (unfreezing)Wouldn’t that lead to the end of all mankind?

Jesse: No, just womankind, and that’s really the point of it all.

Howard: Well throughout it all, I have no idea what makes life worth living. Is it ballet, booze...

Jesse:(interrupting) ...sex, masturbation...

Howard:(interrupting)...love, knowledge...

Jesse:(same)...or just a big bag of potato chips.

Howard: Mmmm...potato chips...

Simultaneously: Well, the one thing I know is...

Jesse: I wish I had a girlfriend.

Howard: I wish I didn’t have a girlfriend.