copyright © 2003 Jesse Wozniak / Anton Nelson

An Analysis of the Social Boundaries of Exploratory Art, Done in Absentia
by Jesse Wozniak, Anton Nelson


Andy: The following play was written by the Woz... J Wo. J WOAH!... That 
sounded like Joey, from the Blossom show. Blossom had a big nose, but Six 
was hot...yeah she was...but this play is not about the Blossom Show, it is 
about the big football match. The Super Bowl. This thing you're watching 
here is Jesse's play. That kind of sounded like the Jesse's Girl song from 
the 80's. But Jesse is not here. He is absent. What is he doing? Rocking. 
He is in lovely Ames...You know, Howard goes to the Hawkeye school. He is 
Jesse's best friend and is in the law school. The law school does not rock. 
The law school teaches bee-atches how to stop the rockers from sharing the 
rock files on the information super highway. Rock? No. Why? Lawyers. 
Lawyers make the rocking stop. Howard did not write this play, because he 
does not go to the Panther school anymore. Jesse wrote this play. This play 
will observe the homoerotic posturings of the male supremacist football 
fans as they sit in the barkalounger. Homoerotic posturings in the living 
room!!! If this play blows chode, don't blame me. Jesse wrote this play. 
Why? Because Jesse is a defender of the first amendment. Constitutional 
freedoms as defined by eighteenth century, radical enlightenment thinking 
about the equality of humanity and fundamental rights all the way up your 
ass at No Shame Theatre, fuckers!

(Scene in living room as one man sits and watches football)

Jesse: Oh boy oh boy, oh boy this game is going to rule! Bucs versus the 
Raiders! Man, oh man, this is going to be the best Super Bowl in ever!

(Enter guy number two, for argumentative purposes, he will be named Howard)

Howard: Hey dude. You got any Valentine's plans for tonight?

Jesse: What the hell are you talking about, friend? Are you gay or 
something? The Super Bowl is on today!

Howard: Jesse? You do realize that it's February 14th, and the Super Bowl 
is traditionally played in January.

Jesse: Yeah, what's your point?

Howard: Well, you see, the Super Bowl was played several weeks ago. It's 
over. The Bucs won by a rather large margin.

Jesse: Ahh, Crumb buckets! Why'd you have to go and ruin it for me! The 
game doesn't even start for another 6 hours!

Howard: Man, you are about as intelligent as an aborted fetus. The game was 
over weeks ago!

Jesse: Look, you know my situation, Howard. I got that fancy Tivo deal. You 
know, that thing that lets you pause live television and stuff? Well, I 
left it paused for about 3 and a half weeks over break, and I don't know 
how to get it back to normal time, so I have to watch everything roughly 
one month after it's happened. Oh, and how about that new space mission? 
It's gonna be completely awesome! It's a good thing NASA learned their 
lesson about how they oughtn't put school teachers aboard! How did that 
joke from the 80's go? NASA: Need Another Seven Astronauts?!?! 

Howard: Right, hmm. Well, that explains that. But what's that smell?

Jesse: Oh. My bathing is also three and half weeks behind schedule.

Howard: I don't quite understand how that relates to your Tivo mishap.

Jesse: Oh, it doesn't.

(Long awkward pause)

Howard: Umm...hey man, you hungry? Can't watch the Super Bowl without 

Jesse: Way ahead of you, dude. I have a pizza right here next to me. You 
probably just couldn't smell it, what with my horrible body odor and all.

Howard: Yeah, probably not. Well, give me a slice.

(Enter Q. This character will be known as Q, but Q did not agree to do the 
part, so it was Derek instead.)

Jesse: Hey, Q, good timing. The game is on in 6 hours. Want some pizza?

Q: No thanks, I had some nachos on the way over.

Jesse: Ok, cool.

Howard: How can you two make a joke like that?

Q: Like what?

Howard: Do you not realize how insensitive it is of you to make jokes like 

Jesse: What do you mean?

Howard: Are you aware of the fact that I might be offended by a joke about 
eating nachos?

Jesse: Aww, dang man. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. But why would 
anyone ever be offended by someone talking about eating nachos?

Howard: Well, you see, my mother was killed while eating pretzels.

Q: Wow. I'm sorry to hear that. I didn't mean any disrespect, I just think 
the idea of eating nachos is funny.

Howard: Well, you really should've known that my mother had died while 
eating pretzels and I would be offended by any references to nachos.

Jesse: How would he have known that?

Howard: (angrily) What did you think I was talking about when I walked in 
and said "Hey man, you got any plans for Valentine's day?"

Q: In my defense, I don't really see how I couldn't gleaned anything from 
that extremely symbolic sentence.

Howard: Oh yeah, I suppose not.

Q: Yeah. I guess this entire scene was just a big misunderstanding.

Howard: Yes, whereas you could've been more sensitive, maybe I over-reacted 
a bit. We should forget all this ever happened and be friends again.

Jesse: Good idea! Now, let's all go out for chocolate, frosty milkshakes!

(Q and Howard skip offstage arm in arm singing "Sunshine, Lollipops, and 
Rainbows" by Leslie Gore. Howard walks sullenly offstage)

Q: Oh, damn it!
Jesse: Waiter, there's a fetus in my shake!


"An Analysis of the Social Boundaries of Exploratory Art, Done in Absentia" debuted February 14, 2003, performed by Andy Schroeder, Derek Easton, and Joel Zumack.

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