copyright © 2004 Jesse Wozniak

"Give me that Ol' Timey Religion"
originally performed at No Shame CF Friday November 5th
(TK is laying on the floor looking at the ceiling. Psychologist is looking
down on him from a chair. Announcer and Dr. Ronald Thompson are sitting
toward the back of the stage. As the play progresses, TK becomes more and
more agitated as the voices in his head disturb him greatly.)

Tuberculosis Kid: Boo hoo hoo! I'm a big crybaby! I have tuberculosis! Wah!

Announcer: (voiced in the style of a WWII news strip announcer)Does this
sound like you? Then get Dr. Hanson's Magic Curing Tonic Potion! That's
right, Dr. Hanson's Magic Curing Tonic Potion. 9 out of 10 professional
medicologists agree that Dr. Hanson's is the only tonic with the necessary
meta-protein vitamins to cure the grippe in whichever manifestation it may

Ronald Thompson: Are you sick of people selling you cure-all, quick fixes
like these? I know I am. Hello, I'm Dr. Ronald Thompson of the Hopkins
Medical Angiotestocracy Unit. There's no magic potion to solve you problems.
However, there is Dr. Thompson's patented system of curation. That's right,
with my system of curation you can will yourself to good health!

Psychologist: (to audience) Wouldn't life be great if everything were that
simple? We all have an innner-dialogue going through our selves at all
times. (to tuberculosis kid) Your inner-dialougue just happens to be between
an old-timey movie strip announcer and a t.v. psychologist. I'm here to help
you see that your tuberculosis is all in your head. In actuality, you're
just a whiny kid who can't come to girp with his latent homosexuality.

Announcer: News flash! This just in! That man is a traitorous liar! Why 3
out of 4 analyzationologists hold his statements to be lacking in
truthitude! Of course, if you're having trouble distinguishing between truth
from fiction, nothing helps more that Dr. Hanson's Magic Curing Tonic
Potion. Why, it has scored off the charts on all tests of truthinization!

Psychologist: You see what I mean?This is how out of touch with reality you
are, my sad, sad boy. As soon as you realize that it's ok to have those
feelings in the locker room showers, the sooner you'll be better.

Ronald Thompson: Wouldn't life be fantastic if you could just wish away your
problems like that? Well you can! But only with Dr. Ronald Thompson's
patented system of curology. Dr. Thompson is only certified Doctorologist to
have developed his own patented system of self-correcting curology that you
just can't get anywhere else!

Psychologist: Oh dear, you must be even more sick than I thought. The voices
in your head are becoming deranged with ideas of quack medicinry and
out-moded pscho-analysis.

Announcer: Flash! 5 our of 6 of our brave fighting boys back from defending
liberty agree that these other two men are espousing dangerous levels of
untruthitude. So dangerous that even Dr. Hanson's Magic Curing Tonic Potion
may not be able to cure them now.

Ronald Thompson: Don't listen to him! No tonic could ever have the same
impact as my patented system of self-correctation. I graduated top of my
class in curology!

Psychologist: (imploringly) You're becoming more and more insane by the
moment! Why don't you just pick out some nice boy in the audience and ask
him out?

Announcer: Flash! Those two men are Al Queda sympathisers!

(federal agents rush in and take away Dr. Ronald Thompson and the

Tuberculosis Boy: Wow! I think my tuberculosis just cleared up!

Announcer: That's right! Not even Dr. Hanson's Magic Curing Tonic Potion can
match the currative palpatations of freedom! Why freedom makes the skies
bluer, the air fresher, and the young ladies more handsome! Yes, buy Dr.
Hanson's Magic Curing Tonic Potion and go volunteer to keep up the fight for
liberty against the sand people! Are you man enough to do it?

Tuberculosis Boy: I am! (to announcer)Thank you Dr. Hanson, and (to
audience) thank you America!

(everyone, including those swept off stage, come back on holding American
flags and marching while singing "Hail to the Cheif" and march out the back

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