copyright © 2002 Jesse Wozniak

(scene opens with Jim nervously pacing around room, a table is set with two chairs, a glass of water, and a towel. An unknown character is checking sound levels and stretching)

Jim: (answering knock at door) Hey, Sarah, how are you?

Sarah: I'm good. So, you ready to go?

Jim: Well, I thought instead of taking you out for our first date, I could just cook for us. (sweetly) I figured it would be less formal, and we could get to know each other better.

Sarah: Aww, how sweet. Yeah, that sounds great.

Jim: Here, sit down here and I'll get our food in a couple of minutes when it's ready.

Sarah: Ok. So what exactly was it that you do for a living?

Jim: I am laser wart removal repair technician. It's been kind of hard lately. It seems nobody wants to get their warts removed by laser, so there are less machines to repair, thank you very much Dr. Scholl! So how about you?

Sarah: Oh, I'm a tech writer downtown at C and G, inc. It's not much fun, but it pays well. Really, I'm just working there until I can strike it on my own as a poet.

Jim: Wow, that's awesome.

(akward silence)

Sarah: (eyeing Pedro who has been stretching in corner and has started lip synching "Part of Your World" from the Little Mermaid) I hope you don't mind me asking, but who's is that?

Jim: Oh, that's Pedro.

Sarah: Oh, is he your roomate?

Jim: No. I don't really know him that well. He followed me home form the grocery store one day. He doesn't ever speak to me, he just lip synchs "Part of Your World" constantly.

Sarah: Oh...(pauses to think, then says)If he just lip synchs, how do you know his name is Pedro?

Jim: Oh, well he never told me his name, but I figured that was most likely what his name would be.

Sarah: How is Pedro his most likely name?

Jim: Oh, we read this short story in a high school English class about a man whose farm was attacked by giant ants.

Sarah: Hey, we read that story in my high school. Only the main character's name was Hector.

Jim: (distracted by the fact that he's been swatting out in front of his face as if he's trying to catch somehting, continues to do so as he talks) Sorry...I didn't catch that last thing you said.

Sarah: Umm...what exactly are you doing?

Jim: (distracted and annoyed by question) Fairies.

Sarah: What?!?

Jim: Oh, I believe fairies are spying on me, and I really wanted us to have dinner alone.

Sarah: (confused and kinda scared) You see fairies?

Jim: Oh, I've never actually seen one. I just think it's common knowledge that fairies have a vendetta against me, you know since the '87 World Series.

Sarah: What happened then?

Jim: Hold on...(throws glass of water in Jesse's face). Umm...oh yeah, in '87 I bet against the Cardinals. (throws Pedro a towel)

Sarah: I, are we going to have dinner sometime soon?

Jim: Oh yeah! I almost forgot, I'll go get it. (exits)

Sarah: So...Pedro, how are you? (Pedro does not respond, but rather focuses his lip synching toward Sarah)

Jim: (re-entering) Pedro! How many times have I told you? This is my girl! (Pedro looks dejected as he continues to lip synch, only sadly now)

Sarah: Umm...not to criticize but isn't spaghetti usually served warm?

Jim: (disgusted)Sure, out there it is. I don't believe in the second law of entropy. I mean, the transfer of heat as a function of thermodynamic energy? Whoever came up with that sure was a jokester!

Sarah: Oh, look at the time, I think I better be going...

Jim: Did the fairies tell you to say that?

Sarah: No, the fairies haven't told me anything!

Jim: I see. Well, be careful out there. I heard the ghost of Gandhi hauntes these very streets and loks for fresh victims.

Sarah: Why would Gandhi be looking for victims?

Jim: Oh, I meant a vampire.

Sarah: Right. bye.

Jim: Bye. (starts to tear up, and Pedro comes over and lip dynchs to him) "The Procreative Adventures of Jim, The Laser Wart Removal Reair Technician" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

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