copyright © 2004 Jesse Wozniak

Johnny McLuck, The Lucky Boy Who Was Even Luckier Than Jimmy McLuck, Luckily

Johnny: Hi, I’m Johnny McLuck, the lucky boy who was even luckier than Jimmy McLuck, luckily. You see, Jimmy is my twin brother. You may recall his story from last year when he finally got his wish of having our dead Grandpa and Jesus over for dinner. Oh yeah, he’s always trying to out do me. Where were you when this happened, Johnny? One might ask that. It would be kind of nosey of one to do so, but they may do it anyway. Well, for your information I was in a state of suspend animation, while attempting to be the first human being to land on mars. I never did make it, as my plans unravled somwhere over France, when I learned the harsh lesson that a shuttle capable of withstanding the vaccum of space should be made of something sturdier than popsicle sticks and discarded tampon applicators. However, with sheer determination, pluck, and yes, a little luck, Johnny McLuck walked away unscathed. This brings me to this week’s memory, which happened not long after that fateful night when Jesus killed my grandpa. You see, a local radio show was having a call-in contest to see who could correctly guess the number of grams of silicon in Cher’s body. I was off by one and a half, but, luckily, I still won the contest. When they asked me who I wanted to take to EuroDisney Land with me, of couse I said the only two people I would ever want to go an ill-fated European theme park with, my other grandpa, the world’s luckiest blues singer Blind Lemon McLuck, and the famed German psychoanalyst Sigmund Frued. Little did I know, I would be so lucky as to have that dream come true...(Johnny rubs chin while others dance around him ala Waynes World)

Young Johnny: Wow! I can’t believe I won the contest. How lucky am I? But alas, I have three tickets to EuroDisney Land, but I am but one Johnny McLuck. Whatever shall I do?

BL: (Offstage accompanied by harmonica…sung in a bluesy style) I got the blues/ the blues so bad, I got the blues/the blues so bad, Sometimes I think monkey’s is chasin me/sometimes I want to stab small chilrun’ in da face, Maybe it’s a chemical imbalance/ I should see a doctor, He could prescribe me some methylphnidate 500 mg 3 times a day taken with food/or maybe I just go out throwing weasals at da elephants in da zoo

Young J: Grandpa Blind Lemon McLuck, is that you? But you’re dead!

BL: Shit, sonny, when you got da blues, it all da same to you. (sings) Oh I got da blues/My gandchild says I dead, but hopefully he got tickets to do somethin’ fun like maybe go to EuroDisney Land

Young J: Wow, despite years of obvious decay, you’ve still got it grandpa! (enter Frued) Who are you

BL: (singing) Dat’s Sigmund Frued/The famous psychologist, His work on the development of the human psyche/established a field of psychoanalysis that still has large numbers of followers today

Young J: Wow, this is the luckiest day ever!

Frued: (in thick German accent) Maybe zis is so, or maybe you are still obsezing about your mother.

Young J: No, my mother was killed during pregnancy.

Frued: Oh, zis is sad indeed!

Young J: Not really, according to my brother Jimmy Mcluck’s statistics machine, she would’ve been the next Hitler.

BL: (singin) His mama died/but dat’s ok, she would da been danext Hitler/he was raised by monkeys

Frued: Who is zis strange man?

Young J: Oh, that’s my grandpa, Blind Lemon McLuck. He’s known as the world’s luckiest blues singer.

Frued: A lucky blues singer?

Young J: Yeah, he had a hard time writing songs, what with the fact he never actually had the blues and all

BL: Oh I got da blues/Even though I’m lucky, No one buys my albums/but I’m singing anyway

Frued: Very disturbink indeed.

Young J: Well, we should get going now (do the Wayne’s World thing again)

Johnny: We never did actually make it to EuroDisney Land, as my grandfather killed Frued for talking about his mother. Nonetheless, though, it was still a luck day. Well, we sure had fun tonight. I hope you can join me again for more tales of Jimmy McLuck, the lucky boy who was even luckier than Jimmy McLuck, lukcily.


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