Written by Jesse Wozniak.
Jimmy: HI, I'm Jimmy McLuck, the boy who has luck at everything. Thanks for joining me for one of my weekly memories. Some people say I had quite a childhood. Ah, yes. I remember my childhood as if it was yesterday. Many wacky things happened, but with pure pluck, determination, and yes, a little luck, I always came out on top. For instance, my mother was killed during pregnancy. For most, this would be a sad situation. Not for Jimmy McLuck! When I was seven, I was trying to build an exact replica of Lincoln's child hood home, and I accidentally invented a statistics macine that could actually predict what the future would be like if certain things were different. It turns out that not only would my mom have been the next Hitler, but the monkeys that raised me actually taught me to read sooner than my Hitler-mom would have. Of all these memories, one sticks out the most this week. I remember a time in high school when I was a state champion cross country runner. You see, in an odd, and lucky!, twist all of the other runners bet on the much heavily favored Apollo Creed. However, that plucky young Rocky beat him in an amazing last round knockout, and the local Mafia broke all of their legs, making me the winner by default. It was so impressive, the local newspaper featured an interview with me on the front page. One of the questions they asked me was who I would like to have dinner with the most in the world, living or dead. Of course, I said the two people who have meant the most to me, my Grandfather, and my personal lord and saviour, Jesus Christ. Little did I know that I would be so lucky that the wish would come true. (Jimmy rubs chin while other actors surrond him and do the doodle-oo thing ala Wayne's World)
Young J: Ho, hum. Another boring night alone. My monkey parents are busy flinging feces at each other, and I'm all alone to eat this abnorrmally large meal I prepared for no particular reason. (sits down at table)
Grandpa: Jimmy? Where the hell are you at? I'm hungry!
Young J: (excited)Grandpa? You came here all the way from New Mexico? And from the dead?
Grandpa: Yes! Just to have dinner with your lazy ass! Do you have a job yet? Give me some food, dammit!
Young J: Of course, gramps. Here sit down.
Granpda: Don't tell me what to do!
Young J: Wow, this is the best suprise ever! (Enter Jesus)Who are you?
Jesus: I'm the son of God.
Grandpa: Holy Jesus!
Jesus: You know it!
Young J: Wow! Won't you please have dinner with us, Jesus?
Jesus: Well, I'm not here to wax the car, Jimmy.
Jimmy: Of course, have a seat. Wow. Jesus and Grandpa, just like I wished. I am so lucky! So what have you been doing today, Jesus?
Jesus: (takes out and begins smoking cigarette)You know, same old, same old. Saved some souls, appeared in a couple dreams, smote the enemies of my father. Just another day in the office.
Grandpa: So when are you getting a haircut, you little faggot?
Jesus: Are you talking to me?!?
Grandpa: Yeah, you hippie-haired faggot!
Jesus: You do realize I'm a diety, don't you?
Grandpa: That doesn't give you any reason to walk around like some hippie faggot! Now pass the beans!
Jesus: No. Jimmy, we need to talk about your masterbation habit.
Young J: Jesus, not at the dinner table!
Jesus: Look, we've got to get to it sometime, and I've got kind of a busy schedule. I mean, you don't just die for the sins of humanity and then get to retire, you know. I mean, holy shit, it's always, "Jesus save me", "Jesus help me", "Jesus make them stop killing my family". Can I get five fucking mintes to myself?
Grandpa: Jesus! Pass the beans!
Young J: Quiet gramps, I'm trying to have a conversation with Jesus! Well, I'm trying to stop, it's just that ever sice I bought that Brittaney Spears album, well, you know...
Jesus: Of course I know. I can sympathize. I ain't easy being celebate.
Grandpa: Where the hell are my beans?!?
Young J: Quiet Gramps! I never knew you had problems in life, Jesus.
Jesus: Man, I've got every problem in the book. You try having a dad like mine, and then tell me everything's easy.
Grandpa: Goddammit, Jesus, pass the damn beans!
Jesus: That's it! (waves hand and grandpa falls down dead) Anyway, Jimmy, as I was saying...
Young J: Grandpa! Grandpa! Holy crap! Did you kill him?
Jesus: Uh, huh.
Young J: You brought him back from the dead just to kill him again after he hasn't even said five words to me yet?
Jesus: Yeah, so?
Young J: Well, that's not very Christian of you!
Jesus: Look, you can only fuck with Jesus so long before he gets pissed off, ok? Crap, look at the time , I gotta get going. Here, I feel kind of bad, have a free vision. (Jesus strikes holy pose and then leaves. Young Jimmy begins to weep and then other actors surrond him and do the doodle-oo thing ala Wayne's World)
Jimmy: Yeah, that was a great dinner. Well, not emotionally, you know, since
Jesus killed my Grandpa, but man, oh man, what a great story to tell! Well,
we've had fun tonight. I hope you can join me next week for more tales of
Jimmy McLuck, the lucky boy who has been lucky at everything!
<!****this ENDS the script proper****>
"Jimmy McLuck:The Lucky Boy Who Had Luck at Everything. Luckily."
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"Jimmy McLuck:The Lucky Boy Who Had Luck at Everything. Luckily." debuted February 22, 2002, performed by Jesse Wozniak, Tim Pieper, and Sean Rohret.