copyright © 2002 Jesse Wozniak

The New, but Not Necessarily Improved, No Shame News
Written by Jesse Wozniak

Performed by Jesse Wozniak, Howie Zimmerle, Jeff Lenhart, Peter Feltman, Myque ?, Mike Waggoner, Tim Piper, Shawn ?, Luke Pingel

Performed at Cedar Falls No Shame, 2/8/02

Jesse: Hello everybody, and welcome to the new No Shame news. I'm your host, Jesse Scott, and I might be wearing a thong. That's right, I'm Jesse Scott. My real last name is Wozniak, but I was pressured to throw out hundreds of years of proud heritage to make my name easier to pronounce. Some breaking news this evening, Army commander General H. Ralph Stinman has announced that the Marines are closer than ever to catching the man who is responsible for bringing misery and fear into the hearts of millions of Americans. As a note of warning, though, Commander Stinman said it may still take awhile to apprehend this vile man. When asked why it would take so long, the commander replied "Well, President Bush has alot of security". In a related development, thousands have showed up to protest in New Mexico at the site of a proposed nuclear power plant that is part of President Bush's new energy plan. When asked about the protests, President Bush said "Woah, woah, slow down. There's a New Mexico now?" Now for weather, we turn to our weather correspondent Ed Zimmer. Ed.

Ed: You know, my girlfriend broke up with me today. But you know what the really sad part of it is? I was going to propose to her tonight. (Chocked up)I had it all planned out, too. You see, I was going to get really sloppy ass drunk and then vomit up the ring at her feet shortly after closing time. I mean, I know it sounds weird, but I just know she would've thought it was the most romantic way to propose...

Jesse: (Interrupting him) Ed, Ed! So what's the weather going to be?

Ed: You monster! How can you ask me that?!? This is the worst day of my life! I'm going to kill myself and all you care about is the weather? You fucking bastard!(bursts into tears and runs off stage)

Jesse: Soooooo, sunny? Anyway, speaking of New Mexico, the state also made news recently when parishoners of a small town church gathered to burn Harry Potter books, denouncing them as blasphemy. Now to them I say, good job! I mean why let your kids waste their money on that pointless blasphemy, when they had the perfect opportunity to see much more entertaining blasphemy in this very room! Speaking of blasphemy, we move onto entertainment news. Following the smash hit success of That 70's Show, Fox has recently unveiled its new decade themed situational comdey to be called that 80's show. Not to editorialize, but after only one viewing, I think it will be safe for you to look it up in the T.V. guide under That Cancelled Show. Now for a man with a list of things that are and are not stupid, we turn to stupidity correspondent, Bill Schroeder. Bill.

Jeff: Thank you Jesse. Ahem.
Having anal sex with Jenifer not stupid
Beating small children, for reasons other than fun or stupid
Throwing a box of animal crackers at a potato and saying "who's baked and stuffed with broccoli and cheese goodness now?" not stupid
Any movie containing the line "When I made that bet, I never thought that I'd fall in love with you" stupid
Going up to a girl in a bar and saying "If you were a burger at McDonalds, I'd call you McBeautiful" stupid
No Shame not stupid
This stupid
(Big cheesy bow and fake grin) Back to you Jesse

Jesse: Thank you for that enlightening report. This just in, 9 out of 10 dentists think the last one actually prefers Crest, but is faking it to look cool. Wait, I'm getting word on my imaginary ear piece thing that President Bush has just initiated a press conference, and is sending a message to Osama Bin Laden. We will take you out there right now.

Bush: Osama, hear these words that I'm saying and take them to heart! (big smile)Thank you so much! I mean, whew! You know, this whole war things is great! It ain't easy being president, and since the Berlin wall went down, I mean, holy shit! How else can you get the public to give you full trust to do anything unless you have a vague and uneasily defined enemy to fight? Seriously now, that Orwell guy, he had some great ideas about government. For example, I have 5,000 men in detention without even letting them talk to a lawyer, do you think Clinton could've gotten away with that? Hardly. It must have really sucked to be a President during peace time. Anyway, I gotta get going, I've got a fight with a bag of pretzles. Keep it up, bud!

Jesse: Wow. What a national hero that we all need to rally behind. I didn't catch what he said, but most assuredly it was something about how well he's handling this situation. God Bless America!! In related developing news, uhhhh...Satan is laughing. Speaking of idiotic things to waste news air time on, we turn to Stewart Patrick for the sports update.

Dan: Thank you, Jesse. You know folks, I've been doing some research and have discovered that sports, especially at the collegiate level, deprive much needed money from the arts and education. Did you know that only the top 10 football programs in the nation actually make money? The same goes for professional football teams, most are actually millions in debt. The truly sad thing is that so many high schools and univerities have to cut programs because of funding cuts, while athletics are still funded fully.

Jesse: I hate to interrupt you Dan, but did you catch who won the Super bowl?

Dan: (freaking out) Patriots baby! Whoo! Tom Brady all the way! Hear it for Michigan! What, what, what! Greatest quarterback in history! You can't stop 'em bitch, you can only hope to contain 'em! The Rams were no match, they were flailing around like little pussys. Ha! Take that, bitches!

Jesse: Didn't that game divert precious funding?

Dan: (regaining himself) Of course. What I meant by that tirade was that it's sad that intellectual persuits are so marginalized by such pointless feats of athleticism. Obviously.

Jesse: Of course. Thank you. In state news, there was recently an update on Primetime Live about Iowa's very own McCoy septuplets. However, the program drew some criticism as Mr. McCoy said he hoped the kids would cary on the families generations old rivalry with the Hatfield septuplets. on that note, let's break for a word from our sponsers.

Announcer: Are you tired of this happening?

Kid A: Yes! Nude magazine day! Mmmmm...Pamela...(starts to rub crotch)

Kid B: Hey, dude, what's happening? Oh my God! That's disgusting!

Announcer: Heh, heh, heh. Well, don't let that happen to you anymore. Use the greatest invention known to humankind, the Club! Here's how it works, when some one sees something you don't want them to, simply beat them about the head and shoulders with the Club, and presto! No more problem! Now let's see what this situation would've been like had he used the Club...

Kid A: Yes! Nude magazine day! Mmmm...Pamela...(starts to rub crotch)

Kid B: hey, dude, what's happening? Oh my God! That's disgusting!

(Kid A commences to beat the hell out of Kid B until Kid B is lying lifeless on the floor)

Announcer: Huh, huh. Crisus averted. If you order now, we'll throw in our new mini-club for free. It fits perfectly in your glove box, and works on cops, vagrants, and small children. Order now!(exit)

Jesse: Welcome back. For our next report, we go out to Jimmy the drunken field reporter as he fails at trying to pick up my sister.

Jimmy: Your Jesse's sister? What? You are one fuckin' sexy lady. I work for him, you know. He can't tell me what to do, I fuckin' tell him what to do. Like the other day, he was fuckin' out of his office, so I took a fuckin' pee in his coffee, and he comes back and he's all like, this coffee tastes fuckin' weird, and I'm like maybe you just need some fuckin' creamer, and he's like yeah I'll try some fuckin' creamer and he like fuckin' drank the whole thing! I'm fuckin' like next in line for his job, you know, 'cause I got a fuckin' degree and everything. Where are you going? What? Fuck you, I don't need you(notices another "girl")...hey, you're fuckin' beautiful...(trails off as he walks off stage after "girl")

Jesse: Thank you, Jimmy. In other local news, the regents board recently approved of the use of tasers for Public Safety officers. When asked if he thought the policy would be abused, the President of the Board's only reaction was to fall on the ground and if he'd been Anyway, here's a lonely man with an editorial.

Josh: Hi everybody, I'm Joshua T. Goodrich, and I'm really in a pickle. You see, all around campus I hear my friends talking about "sex", and I'm really in the dark. I mean, what the hell is it? I hear the guys talking about "having" sex when they go out, which I assume means "going out" to eat, so I figure, sex has gotta be some sort of food, right? Well, I asked the guys, but they all laughed at me when I asked them how to make sex. I don't get it. Do they have a secret recipe that I shouldn't have even asked about? Isn't there some sort fo generic recipe for sex? So I figure my mom's a pretty smart lady, so I thought I'd ask her. I asked her to have sex with me, or at least show me how to make it, but she just screamed and kicked me out of the house. Well, then I thought, hey, I'm a good cook, maybe I can just figure this out on my own. You know, all I need is the right ingredients and everything. I wandered around down town for about two hours, when I finally came across a sex shop. What luck! I thought I'd definately find the ingrediants in there, but all I could find was magazines full of naked women. I bourght a couple thinking they would have recipes inside, but I haven't found anything yet.

Jesse: So, Josh, do you know what sex is yet?

Josh: Ummm...I don't know.

Jesse: Josh Goodrich, ladies and gentlemen. This last legal update just came in from our law center. Following the phenomenal success of Britney Spear's lastest smash hit single "Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman", the legal term has been changed from "statuatory rape" to "fun". I'm Jesse Scott, and that's probably news.


"The New, but Not Necessarily Improved, No Shame News" debuted February 8, 2002, performed by Jesse Wozniak, Howie Zimmerle, Jeff Lenhart, Peter Feltman, Myque ?, Mike Waggoner, Tim Piper, Shawn ?, Luke Pingel.

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