Jesse: Hi, uh, I've never really done two serious peices in one night, so I hope you enjoy this, because it really means alot to me. How many of you out there have ever heard of a show called the State? It was an old sketch comedy show on MTV, much like Saturday Night Live. Anyway, one of its main stars was Jim Carrey, a personal hero of mine. He may not mean much to you, but his humor and style have meant a great deal to me. Well, he passed away this morning, and I wanted to perform this as sort of a tribute to him. One of the funniest skits he ever did on the State was called the U.S. Olympic men's bikini-thong roller blade team. These were a group of men who, in bikini-thongs and roller blades, preformed great plays of the 1930's and '40's. So, as a tribute tonight, I am going to perform The Barber of Johannesburg. Now, I'm sorry to say I've forgotten my roller blades, but...(Jesse removes clothes and stands alone in bikini-thong). Ahem. It was a cold, gray morning when the barber first arrived in town. I remember it well, for I was a lad of only 16, and had no need to go to the barber, but you see...

Howard: (interrupting from audience) Excuse me!

Jesse: (annoyed) What do you want? I'm trying to do a tribute to one of my heroes here. I mean, couldn't this wait?

Howard: Well, you see, Jim Carrey's not dead.

Jesse: Really?

Howard: Yeah. And furthermore, he wasn't ever on the State.

Jesse: Huh. You're sure?

Howard: Yeah. I don't know who you're thinking of, but Jim Carrey was never on the State.

Jesse: Well, jeez. Don't I look like an idiot. I mean, I get up here in a bikini-thong, I've forgotten my roller blades, and now you tell me Jim Carrey's not only not dead, but he was never on the state. I'm sorry everyone. I just feel like such an idiot.

Howard: Hey, this happens. I remember the time I got to meet Jimmy Carter, and he was in a bikini-thong because he thought I was going to be a stripper, not a small toddler. Turns out his secretary screwed up pretty big.

Jesse: Thanks, but I still feel kind of embarrassed. I mean, now I have no skit to do.

Howard: Well, I wrote a play, if you wanna do that instead.

Jesse: Really? Does it call for a guy in a bikini-thong?

Howard: (flips through script) Oddly enough, yeah, it does.

Jesse: Great! Let's do it! (Howard comes down onto stage and hands Jesse a script)

Howard: I met the love of my life.

Jesse: So?

Howard: What do you mean, so? I met the fucking love of my life!

Jesse: Yeah, you met her seven years ago at the freshman mixer. You've been married to her for 2 years now.

Howard: No. I met her today.

Jesse: Ugh. If this one of those ever renewing love things?

Howard: No, you see, that's the problem. It's not my wife.

Jesse: Shit. Wanna explain?

Howard: You see, every human being on this earth has the ideal human being they'd like to spend the rest of their life with. Well, when I met Sara, she was the closest approximation to that I've ever found. Well, now I've met a girl who isn't an approximation, she's it.

(Howard answers yes to all of the following questions) Jesse: Yeah? She likes the cardinals? She's a poli-sci major? Five foot four? A 32 B? Wow, she is it exactly.

Howard: I know. The scary thing is, when I went to bed last night, and my wife said I love you, I felt really weird, because I think I might love someone more than her.

Jesse: Umm, Howard?

Howard: Yeah?

Jesse: Your script ends there. What the hell kind of an ending is that? And further more, hy did you say my part required a man in a bikini-thong?

Howard: (very "Why did Mr. Smith kill the President?" "It was symbolism, he was really mad"-ish) The bikini-thong is symbolic.

Jesse: How is it symbolic?

Howard: Haven't you ever heard the saying "some times you're the bikini-thong, and sometimes you're the guy embarrassing himself in front of about 130 people"?

Jesse: That's not a saying. You just didn't write an ending!

Howard: Oh yeah, Mr. Genius? What would you say for an ending?

Jesse: I don't know. All I can say is that I, like about 99% of this audience, will probably never come to No Shame again.

Lights Down
"Why, God, why?" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"Why, God, why?" debuted November 30, 2001, performed by Jesse Wozniak and Howard Zimmerle.

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