copyright © 2001 Jesse Wozniak

A Seduction
by Jesse Wozniak

(Jesse gets a random girl from audience and begins song from a pornographic movie that plays in background)

Girl, I've seen you across the room in my Macro-Economics class, and have wanted for so long to have a private discussion of PE ratios with you. That is why I am suggesting this to you: You go out with me this Thursday night. It will be a magical evening. When I get to your house, I will not just sit in the street and honk the horn like so many men might. No, I will come to your door and ring the bell like a polite gentleman. I will also refrain from making comments about how attractive I find your roommate, who answers the door in this sexy little top. I mean...damn! I will pick you up in my 1979 El Camino chariot. You will have no trouble gaining access to the car, as the passenger side door is red with blue stripes, and the drivers side door is a dark brown. As you get in the car, I will brush my compact disks and pornographic magazines onto the floor so as to give you an unobstructed seat. You will notice an unpleasant odor, but I assure you it is nothing compared to the Redeker dinning center. As we drive to the restaurant, you will have your choice of either AM or FM for your listening pleasure. If that does not come in clearly, I will serenade with a song about cucumbers. As we proceed along, I will tell you romantic things, like how your eyes look so beautiful in the moonlight or how your ass is so tight I could bounce a quarter off of it. When we get to the restaurant, you will have your choice of anything you desire from the children's menu. I meanwhile, will just have a glass of water, as I ate earlier to avoid the high price of food at Arby's. After your scrumptious meal, I will take the tray and throw the leftover food away myself, so as to not have you be inconvenienced on our magical night. After this, we will proceed directly to the movie theater, where my friend Phil who works there will let us in a side door. We will then be entranced by the comical musings of that delightful Corky Remano. Then I know you'll be good and in the mood for some love, so we will go directly back to my place. I will take you downstairs to my room which isn't actually a room because I'm the illegal fifth member of an apartment. I will draw the sheet across that divides the room, so we will have total privacy from my roommate Bob who is doing his laundry. I will tell you how nice you look on this particular evening, and I will offer you only the finest wine. However, I am not 21, so we will end up drinking apple juice from a jug instead. I will then commence with unbuttoning your blouse. After we are both thoroughly naked, though possibly still with our socks on, I will penetrate your vaginal orifice three or possibly even four times before I ejaculate. I will then roll over and go to sleep, leaving you pinned next to the uncomfortably hot radiator. This will leave you two choices: either sleep there for the night, or push me off of your arm and call a cab, for which I will offer you no money. If you do stay, though, I will prepare you a delicious feast for breakfast that will tantalize your every delight. It will consist of generic orange drink and the freshest doughnuts Caseys has left at 11:00. After that, I will drop you off, as I have to get to class. I will make several reassuring promises that I will indeed call you, but it is doubtful that I ever will. (on knee) So what do you say, baby? Will you be my baby, if only for one incredible night?

Just to clarify for the confused, I did not plant that girl during my seduction piece. In fact, I don't even know her name. I vaguely know her because she was in one of Howie's plays that I did with him, but that is the extent of my knowing her. also, I had really planned on whoever got up there saying yes (I even had another music cue for when she said yes), but that obviously didn't happen , so the reaction I had was totally authentic. Just to clear things up.

"A Seduction" debuted November 16, 2001, performed by Jesse Wozniak, with Becca Wagoner as the random girl.

Performed at Best of No Shame on May 3, 2002, with Chelsea Lechwar as the random girl.

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