copyright © 2001 Jesse Wozniak

How to Write a Play
by Jesse Wozniak


Jesse: People often come up to me and say “Jesse, not only is your cock
immense in both size and power, but you have a natural charisma”. To this I
usually say “Why, thank you.” But I also frequently face a more complicated
task when faced with the question of “I already am well informed of the
immensity of your sexual prowess, but from whence do you write such
hilarious No Shame plays?” I’ve thought long and hard about this, and here
is my reply, in play form. The first method I’m aware of for writing plays
is to get really baked and then write down whatever you come up with. I
don’t recommend this for several reasons, but mainly because it usually
turns out like this:

Howard: (while constantly taking hits) Dude, here’s a great idea. I’ll write
a play where I’m talking to a photocopied picture on a ruler. It’ll be
fucking hilarious.

Jesse: So any of you that came last year can pretty much see why that
doesn’t work. But now I get the question “Jesse, I’m not nearly as witty or
as self-serving as you, what can I use if I can’t use cannabis?” I would
just recommend ripping off popular movies, only changing them slightly.

(Jesse and Howard stand against “wall”, Howard has backward hat on)
Jesse: Hey, I’m Jason. This tubby bitch is my sidekick, silent Robert.
(Jesse commences to do Jay’s rap) ...We smoke the blunts. Rollin’ blunts and
smokin’ blunts...

Dude:(interrupting Jesse) Oh, let me get a nickel bag.

Jesse: Fifteen bucks, little man. Put that shit in my hand. If that money
doesn’t show, than you owe me, owe me, owe.

Dude: (Pays Jesse and leaves)

Howard: Then I know what you say “Doesn’t that violate numerous copyright
laws?”. Sure, it does if you’re one of those whiny law abiders. So maybe you
don’t want to go that route. You want to be (air quotes)“creative”. Well,
you could always play on ethnic stereotypes. People always find those funny.

Jesse: Wow, my big nose is getting in the way while I’m trying to do this
accounting.

Howard: Mamma mia! I forgotta’ the pasta! Whata we-a gonna have-a for
dinner?

Jesse: I’ll be fine. I’ll just go get a bagel.

Howard: Mamma mia! Atsa a good-a idea! I’ll just go get a calzone!

Howard: You see, despite the obvious hilarity of such an odd ethnic
mismatch, some people might find a play like that “offensive”. Speaking of
offensive, you could always just write a play about politics.

Jesse: Hey, aren’t you just splendiferously happy about the war on
terrorism?

Howard: Yeah. It’ll sure be great when terrorism is defeated and doesn’t
exist any more. You know it’s just like the way we started a war on drugs
and now they’re virtually impossible to find.

Jesse: Yes, this truly is a glorious government.

Jesse: Well, you see, you once again fall into trouble with a political
play. Even though we have some certain amendment rights, they’re really only
for show. I’ve learned freedom of speech is really something you should just
keep to yourself. So what now?

Howard: Well, you could write a play using various forms of philosophy. You
know, those are not only gaining popularity, but they also make you look
smart.

Jesse: Man, my day sucked. I was just walking around, perpetually stuck in
an existential quandary, full of self-doubt as to the possibilities of my
immense number of self-actualizing life choices.

Howard: Oh, the old teleological suspension of the ethical got you down?
Don’t worry, the sooner you realize that we can only make arbitrary
decisions as to the meanings we choose to define our lives, the sooner you
will be happy with any outcome, despite it’s impossibility.

Jesse: You know, what? You’re right. I guess I can cheer up now as I alter
my perception to base all of my expectations on the basis of the absurd.

Howard: You could write a play like that...but...well, I think you see why
you shouldn’t. Well, I guess really, the only thing left to do is just
jumble a bunch of half-assed ideas into a how-to play.

Jesse: And there you have it folks. Why bother to write an entire play, when
you can just toss together five plays that would in no way work on their
own? It helps you avoid messy complications like “plot” or “character
development”.

Howard: And just remember when nothing else works, the audience always goes
for hardcore nudity. (Howard and Jesse rips off pants and run off stage)

"How to Write a Play" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"How to Write a Play" debuted November 2, 2001, performed by Jesse Wozniak and Howard Zimmerle.

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