or
Why I Got Culture Shock in Iowa
By James D. Wolf, Jr.
Performed: April 25, 1997
Performers:
[Lights up. Two guys enter from stage left mid-conversation. Head towards body on floor just right of center stage]
Murph: . . .So the nun starts yelling at me -- like it's my fault the kid made a pass at his teacher.
[Two stop at body, look at each other]
Joey: Uh-oh.
Murph: Looks like somebody fucked up.
[Joey goes to other side of body and two give cursory once-over]
Joey: Anybody you know?
Murph: No, how about you?
Joey: Nah.
Murph: I don't see any weapons.
Joey: No wounds, no blood, no dent on the skull.
Murph: [picks up arm] No bruises, no needle marks, no pipes, no bottle. Wow.
Joey: Y'know, I don't think this was natural causes.
Murph: Could be, could be. [Pokes] Well, at least they're still breathing.
Joey: You want to get involved?
Murph: Are you kidding? I just got done arguing with a nun for half an hour. I gotta do something to take time off in Purgatory. Tell you what. I stay here; you go call 911.
Joey: Don't have to. [pulls out cellular phone] I'll dial from here.
Murph: Where'd you get that?
Joey: I've been trying to tell you. I'm going into business for myself. . .
Murph: No, don't even tell me. I'm your friend. I don't want to know.
Joey: Man, it's not that kind of -- Hello? Yeah, 911? Huh? Oh, the nature of my emergency is someone face down on the sidewalk. No, I don't know why. No, we don't know who. We just found them here. No, I don't think it's a seizure -- they're lying real still. No there's no tall buildings or anything -- I don't think they fell far or anything.
Murph: [deliberate] "There's no sign of foul play."
Joey: [into phone] "There's no sign of foul play."
Murph: I saw that on TV or something.
Joey: [to Murph] Hey, Murph. "Is the victim having trouble breathing"?
Murph: Depends on how much of her face is towards the sidewalk.
Joey: [to phone] Depends on . . . [shoots Murph a dirty look] Not really. [to Murph] Do we have any idea what's wrong?
Murph: No, we ditched that day in medical school. It's ruined my whole career. Look, are they gonna send an ambulance or not.
Joey: I think you'd better send an ambulance. Broadway and Ridge. Across the street from the old drive-in. Hey, Murph, why do you think the place closed, anyway?
Murph: [points to body] The food was killing people. Can we keep our mind on this?
Joey: [into phone] Does the victim have any pre-existing medical conditi. . .? Well, maybe she's allergic to stupid questions. I know they irritate me. How would we know? What? Hey Murph, is there a medic alert bracelet?
Murph: I don't see anything.
Joey: [phone] No. [Murph] How about any kind of card or anything.
Murph: She has a wallet [pulls it out]. Bank card, drivers license, credit cards, Nah, nothing like that.
Joey: [phone] We can't find anything. [Murph] Hey, what does it say about her on the driver's license? They might have a record or something.
Murph: Well, it's a bad picture. [hands to Joey]
Joey: [into phone] Let's see. "Kyoto Musashi," female, age 23, 5-foot-3, 96 pounds, lives in the Miller Beach area. . .
Murph: She must have money.
Joey: [into phone] Look, is the ambulance coming? Oh, cool. Her condition?
Murph: "Stable."
Joey: Stable. Murph: But she's still bad.
Joey: She still needs an ambulance. Yeah, I can hold while you check. [looking through wallet] Hey, look! Prom pictures!
Murph: [peers over then looks at girl] Wow. She's kind of pretty when she's not comatose.
Joey: Yeah, but look at the clod she's with.
Murph: Maybe he's got a nice personality.
Joey: Right. Nobody has that good of a personality.
Murph: [shrugs] Maybe he's got money.
Joey: Maybe he's hung like a horse.
Murph: [as Mr. Ed] Wiilllbbbuuurr.
[both snigger]
Joey: [into phone] What? Yeah, I'm still here; how about you? The victim?
Murph: The same.
Joey: She's the same. [to Murph] She can do better than that.
Murph: Yeah, who? You?
Joey: Why not?
Murph: Sure, you've got her address in your hand now. Show up one day, "Hi, I'm Joey Podnar, one of the guys who saved your life. You want to go to a movie or something"? [Is she even Catholic?
Joey: How could I tell?
Murph: My mother carries a card that says "I'm Catholic. In case of emergency, call a priest" and some prayer cards.
Joey: [Looks through wallet] Nope. Besides, what does it matter?
Murph: Look, it's just as easy to love a Catholic girl as a non-Catholic. Learn from my mistakes. That way you're not in front of a nun years later trying to explain that the reason your kid is acting up is NOT because you married a Protestant girl.
Joey: Why does your wife think he's acting up?
Murph: I'm a bad influence.
Joey: She knew that when she married you.
Murph: Hell, that's why she married me.
[laughter]]
Joey: [puts away phone and writes down address] C'mon, let's get out of here.
Murph: Why. If we wait, we might get in the paper.
Joey: [throws wallet to Murph] Yeah, but I don't want to deal with the cops.
Murph: It's that phone business. . .
Joey: Look, I'm not doing anything illegal. I just don't. . .
Murph: [taking money out of the wallet] Don't tell me. I don't want to know. Let's see. That's ten for you. Ten for me.
Joey: What are you doing?
Murph: Hey, we've been good boys. We deserve some kind of reward.
Joey: Yeah, but there's a lot more in there.
Murph: She's going into the hospital. She's going to need that. Geez, are you cold!
[lights]
Use by others without permission prohibited.
Performed by James D. Wolf, Jr., Ben Zolno, Medoka.
Performed by James Wolf and ???
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