copyright © 2001 Justin Wolf


By Justin Wolf

I remember, however disenchanting it might seem to me now, my first kiss. I was so nervous and so shaky that upon lunging into contact with said girl's face, I really hurt my lips against my teeth. I'd like to think that's partly why the kiss only lasted half a second, but I know that other factors go into it. For starters, the fact that it was my sister's 8th birthday party only contributed to my general feeling of guilt and disdain towards the kiss. I mean...That's slightly perverse, though only slightly as I had innocence and naivete working for me back then. Another thing was that I was lying on my stomach, and the mechanics behind a startling yet refreshing kiss were not in conjunction with the positions of our bodies. Not only did I have to assume a semi-humping position on the floor as I craned my neck forward to reach her face, but I also bent my back into a flattering curve that gave the illusion that I was an aroused groundhog coming up for snack. In retrospect, I believe my grunting gave me away before my startled victim had even a chance to pucker. With this said you might cringe with anticipation of the inevitable embarrassment, or you might reflect on your own awkward experiences with lips and the sharing of saliva, but let me tell you...It was a beautiful experience for me. I have never felt so exhilarated save when I poked my head out of the skylight in our car while driving and a bug hit me in the nose. It was a magical, masochistic experience, at the same time tormenting me with pleasure, and...Well, just tormenting me. I recall when I was younger and I imagined, not with the same vehemence as I do now, mind you, what a kiss would feel like. This took a lot of imagination on my part, a little too much in the end actually. At a lack for a more realistic kissing partner save the dog, I was forced to passionately make out with my fist in back of the house. My fist, though a willing recipient to my love, looked only grumpy and slobbered on when I was finished, something even a 11 year old could see was not a look one wants to see after kissing. Besides...I was caught once and had to fake a violent coughing fit...It was too risky. Everything involving a kiss, as I later learned, was risky. The allure of the kiss was strong though. In fact it still is and always will be. Kissing is a sacred process in which the physical touching of the lips is almost an anti-climax. It's the emotional connection with the person that you're kissing that makes the kiss endearing or not...Of course, I'm lying, but wouldn't it be nice if that was the case? I see couples who can't even finish a sentence without slobbering on each other and it makes me think above all things that one could be thinking in a situation like that, why bother? I wait a second and the tormented and abused fist of my pre-adolescence answers all my questions for me. So thoughtful is my sexual conscience that it even points out for me all the ways I could be kissing better then Mr. Slurpy of whom I'm watching. It's not that I want to kiss every girl I see, it's just that I learned from the very beginning that kissing is a delicate art form unto which many things can go awry with, so better be careful, yeah? I think so.

"Smoocher" debuted November 30, 2001, performed by Justin Wolf.

Performed at Best of No Shame on February 28 & March 1, 2002.

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