By Justin Wolf
I remember, however disenchanting it might seem to me now, my first kiss. I
was so nervous and so shaky that upon lunging into contact with said girl's
face, I really hurt my lips against my teeth. I'd like to think that's
partly why the kiss only lasted half a second, but I know that other factors
go into it. For starters, the fact that it was my sister's 8th birthday
party only contributed to my general feeling of guilt and disdain towards
the kiss. I mean...That's slightly perverse, though only slightly as I had
innocence and naivete working for me back then. Another thing was that I was
lying on my stomach, and the mechanics behind a startling yet refreshing
kiss were not in conjunction with the positions of our bodies. Not only did
I have to assume a semi-humping position on the floor as I craned my neck
forward to reach her face, but I also bent my back into a flattering curve
that gave the illusion that I was an aroused groundhog coming up for snack.
In retrospect, I believe my grunting gave me away before my startled victim
had even a chance to pucker. With this said you might cringe with
anticipation of the inevitable embarrassment, or you might reflect on your
own awkward experiences with lips and the sharing of saliva, but let me tell
you...It was a beautiful experience for me. I have never felt so exhilarated
save when I poked my head out of the skylight in our car while driving and a
bug hit me in the nose. It was a magical, masochistic experience, at the
same time tormenting me with pleasure, and...Well, just tormenting me. I
recall when I was younger and I imagined, not with the same vehemence as I
do now, mind you, what a kiss would feel like. This took a lot of
imagination on my part, a little too much in the end actually. At a lack for
a more realistic kissing partner save the dog, I was forced to passionately
make out with my fist in back of the house. My fist, though a willing
recipient to my love, looked only grumpy and slobbered on when I was
finished, something even a 11 year old could see was not a look one wants to
see after kissing. Besides...I was caught once and had to fake a violent
coughing fit...It was too risky. Everything involving a kiss, as I later
learned, was risky. The allure of the kiss was strong though. In fact it
still is and always will be. Kissing is a sacred process in which the
physical touching of the lips is almost an anti-climax. It's the emotional
connection with the person that you're kissing that makes the kiss endearing
or not...Of course, I'm lying, but wouldn't it be nice if that was the case? I
see couples who can't even finish a sentence without slobbering on each
other and it makes me think above all things that one could be thinking in a
situation like that, why bother? I wait a second and the tormented and
abused fist of my pre-adolescence answers all my questions for me. So
thoughtful is my sexual conscience that it even points out for me all the
ways I could be kissing better then Mr. Slurpy of whom I'm watching. It's
not that I want to kiss every girl I see, it's just that I learned from the
very beginning that kissing is a delicate art form unto which many things
can go awry with, so better be careful, yeah? I think so.
"Smoocher"
IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED,
PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE
AUTHOR
"Smoocher" debuted November 30, 2001, performed by Justin Wolf.Performed at Best of No Shame on February 28 & March 1, 2002.
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