copyright © 2005 by Eli Wilkinson

WE ARE ANARCHISTS

By Eli Wilkinson

(Lights up Eli and Jon enter)

ELI

Hello bitches! My name is Eli and this is Shelton and you know what?

BOTH

We are anarchists!

JON
We are so anarchists that we follow no rule made by man or god.

ELI

Yeah! We play by our own rules, which we don’t even follow because we’re anarchists!

JON

Fuck the government, fuck the world, let chaos reign!

ELI

And even when chaos does reign we’re not going to follow its clichéd rules.

JON

Fuck the establishment!

ELI

Fuck religion. Right in the ear! But only once. Twice means routine and we won’t follow routine!

JON

People, mankind is a joke! The laws and limitations of the human body are so retarded! To protest it I will bend my finger here the way it isn’t supposed to go. Watch and observe my bodily anarchy. OWWW!!! That fucking hurt. But I’m not obeying my bodies feeling of pain. It just hurt.

ELI
And clothes? Fuck. Clothes were established by the Catholic Church! And I will not be its little boy bitch anymore.

(ELI and JON take off their shirts)

ELI

As for No Shame’s… I mean Big Butt’s rules? Fuck them!

JON

Yeah! Rule 3: don’t hurt the space or its occupants. Fuck that.

(Jon slaps Eli and lights his lighter. He walks towards the set/ curtains)

ELI

Jon, that’s too far. You know who else went too far? Hitler. And you don’t want to copy him again do you?

JON

Fine. You know what else we won’t follow? Rules established by the beast that’s known as the University! Tuition hike? Fuck that, I won’t pay it! I won’t give into their little game to line their toilet seats with pure gold. You know what? I can already line their toilet seats with pure gold. It’s called my urine bitches. But I don’t go pee because that’s obeying the laws of nature.

ELI

You know speed limits and right line driving? What about gasoline? I laugh at the mere suggestion of them. I fill my tank with pure alcohol and drive in whatever lane I want. Those people to die after my actions are just deaths bitch. Seriously what can that fucker death do anyways? Man I am so anarchy that I deny death. Let that skinless, clichéd, titty fucker rot in hell for all I care. But I don’t believe in hell because I’m an anarchist.

(Jon pin-points a girl in the audience)

JON

FAMILY VALUES?! HA! I do who I want when I want. I don’t care if he’s my son, whore! You can have sex with him if you want. Go right ahead, deny taboos! Join me and together we can throw shit in the eyes of the world.

ELI

We are so anarchists that we don’t recognize anyone as superior to us! Right Jon?

JON

FUCK you Eli! I will not answer that. You are not in a superior position to ask me questions.

ELI

I was asking from one anarchist to the other so maybe we can get converts.

JON

But if these people follow us then they wouldn’t be anarchists at all!

ELI

Good point. They’d be tools of the establishment we established.

JON

And that would make them donkey raping goat fuckers. With tiny dicks.

ELI
Indeed!

JON

Man I am so glad we did this Eli.

ELI

Yeah. If you don’t fuck the world, it will fuck you. And we fuck it by not fucking it.

JON

Because then we’d be conformists and faggots.

ELI

Fuck that.

JON

Yes…

ELI

We should stop swearing. That’s what frat boys do.

JON

Yeah. They’re the biggest conformist of all.

ELI

Those collar popping, beer drinking, and female raping, sons of … of… submariners?

(Awkward pause)

JON

Eli… let’s just…just stop. This has gone too far.

ELI

Yeah…anarchism sucks… you can’t do anything…

JON

I’m cold right here.

(Jon places his hands on his nipples)

(LIGHTS OUT)

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