- November 19, 2004 - No Shame Iowa City
Performed by Eli Wilkinson and Jonathan Shelton
The Cutesy and Cuddly Show!
By Eli ‘needs a girl friend’ Wilkinson
(Lights up)
DIRECTOR
Hey boys and girls, it’s time for the CUTESY and CUDDLY Show! (Director sits in the middle of the center aisle)
(CUTESY and CUDDLY Burst onto stage)
CUTESY
Hey, Hey!
CUDDLY
Hi ya boys and girls.
CUTESY
Okay everyone, BIG
CUDDLY
Silly Rabbit, you’re hugging the air. You got to actually hug the audience.
CUTESY
Okay. (Hugs a few people)
CUDDLY
Yes we are the Cutesy and Cuddly show. We’re the ONLY children’s show that doesn’t discriminate and doesn’t subliminally attempt to get kids to buy our sponsors products.
CUTESY
(Scratching head) What does that mean?
CUDDLY
(Not paying attention and eating a Slim Jim) huh? Oh sorry I was eating this Slim-Jim. Mmmm Slim Jim. (Winks at audience)
CUTESY
Oh Cuddly you’re so silly! (Giggles) Hey looky here partner, it’s our red and black friends! (Enter Injun Joe and Squeezebox McGee)
CUDDLY
Uh oh Cutesy. Our friends are going to have to wait. It’s time for our first commercial.
(Pause then continue)
Director
Great start guys. Keep it up. (Exit Joe and Squeezebox)
CUTESY
(Removes Flask from coat) Damn this crotch is itchy. (He takes a massive swig of his drink)
CUDDLY
(Pulls out cigs) God, only twenty-five more minutes with these little pricks left to go. (Lights his cig)
CUTESY
No shit. Hey man can I have a light?
CUDDLY
Fuck you.
CUTESY
Come on man… don’t leave me hanging…
CUDDLY
You come near me and I’ll fuckin’ cut you.
CUTESY
Come on. (Reaches out his hand)
CUDDLY
You son of a bitch! (Cuts CUTESY)
CUTESY
You cut me?! You cut me you ass! (Director counts down his fingers from 5 and points at C & C)
Kid (In the Audience and stands. Kid tugs at neighbor’s coat)
WHAAA! I’m not having fun mommy. I’m sad! I wanna leave.
CUDDLY
Shut your mouth or I’ll cut you a new one… in your belly! (Kid sits) Now Cutesy I only cut you because I care for you man.
CUTESY
Bull shit! Next time I (director coughs) see you I’ll shoot…you…with my magic love gun. That shoots happy bullets.
CUDDLY
Now friends, we welcome our new friends, thanks to Slim Jim, Injun Joe and Squeezebox McGee. (Joe and Squeezebox enter)
Squeezebox
How many times do I have to tell you? My name is Daryl. I’m a musician.
Yeah and I’m Seth. I weave clothing.
CUTESY
Well those are just nicknames we made for you. They’re cute and kids like them.
CUDDLY
Yeah! Now come on Injun Joe and Squeezebox McGee… BIG
Squeezebox
No man. We ain’t huggin’ you until you call us by our real names…
CUTESY
No can doopers!
Do we make nicknames for you? No, we don’t.
Squeezebox
Yeah. (Points to CUTESY)We don’t call you Cracker Jack and we (points at CUDDLY) don’t call you a wigger! This is not cool man. We’re gone.
CUDDLY
Wait! We got gifts for you.
CUTESY
Our friends always get nice things on our show!
Squeezebox
Okay…that’s cool I guess.
Yeah…wait. What are they?
CUDDLY
Joe we got you this letter.
Letter for what?
CUTESY
Annexation….oops. (Joe gets pissed)
CUDDLY
And Squeezebox we got you this sign.
Squeezebox
I ain’t taking it. All it says is ‘colored’ only. You racist son of a…
CUTESY
No. It’s a sign for your coloring book organizer. It lets you know which books you’ve colored..
Squeezebox
You can color each others asses white for all I care. We’re outta here!
(Exit Squeezebox and Joe)
CUDDLY
Oh I am gonna scalp that redskin. Cutesy you can pop the n….
Director
(Interrupting) Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! CUT! You and you. You’re both FIRED! Get out of my sight!
CUTESY
NO!
Director
Okay boys. (Squeezebox and Joe enter and punch C & C and drag them offstage) We are sorry for this unfortunate mishap. We here at VDTV will now air 8 straight hours of the Magic Johnson Magic Hour.
NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
CUTESY
Anything but that!
CUDDLY
Please let us continue! We’ll be good. We PROMISE!
CUTESY
He’s a heart-scout. You have to believe him!
DIRECTOR
Okay. But one more slip up and its 16 straight hours of Hallmark TV. Clockwork Orange style…. Action!
CUTESY
Now kids we’re gonna teach you about VDTV. Our Home.
CUDDLY
You know what VD is kids?
DIRECTOR
STOP!!!!!!! Just get off my set!
CUTESY
I know what it is!
CUDDLY
Well I own VD! I am the master of the VD.
DIRECTOR
That’s nice… now leave!
CUDDLY
Do I have to cut you? …….That damn kid is standing again! You! Sit the fuck down! You know I will rape you!
CUTESY
This is fucked up dude!
CUDDLY
No wai…(Lights cut Immediately Interrupting Cuddly)
CUTESY
Whaaa! We got cancelled! BASTARDS!
The End
THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
Performed by Eli Wilkinson and Jonathan Shelton
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