And then one day it happened, right? Mrs. Wagner, 4th grade teacher, legs like tooled silver, smarter than my mother and a sense of discipline like an iron whip (a 10-year-old's dream date) says we're going to plant seeds in these cutaway milk cartons. And my best friend, Michael Speaker is groaning with the pretension of a man of the world once again stuck doing this bullshit And as I start digging my fingers through this wet dirt I start to feel really strange. Really - powerful, you know? Like, I'm only in 4th grade and I'm giving birth to this giant California Sequoia that will live 250 years - And I'm liking it a lot.
      So Mrs Wagner says we'll name our plants and take care of them and the one with the healthiest plant at the end of the nine weeks gets this gift certificate for some florist's shop downtown, just in time for Mother's Day, right?
      And the weeks go by and I am taking care of this plant religiously, see? Not that I care about this certificate - it's just that this thing is mine, you know, I can make or break it and it's a real live thing - not like an English paper on Mark Twain or Judy Blume or something.
      So I start to talk to this plant, I call it Bob and play all my favorite music to it, 'cause Mrs. Wagner says that helps - So I play some ABBA and The Eagles and my Christopher Cross record to calm Bob down, you know? And all the time Michael Speaker is making fun of me and will put on Aerosmith 'Toys in the Attic' when I'm trying to have this nice conversation with Bob, so I get really pissed and I tell Michael Speaker to get out, and he does and then it's just me and Bob, right, which is cool.
      And Bob looks like this, like, a new puppy or something - he's so fucking cute - and he's got this leaf where his head should be on top and this one stem that's like an arm, And he looks really healthy.
      And Bob and I talk and he's getting really big and I carry him to school in this really nice thing that my mother gave me and at night he sits by my bed and we talk until we fall asleep and...
      And then one night it happened. Bob and I slept together. I mean, it's not like anybody plans these things, right? I mean, Bob and I had gotten really close and I was just, like, touching his leaves, you know, just like a friend and you know, one thing leads to another and -- you know.
      So the next morning it's really tense, and I don't take Bob to school and I get home and Bob looks really hurt and I feel bad so I put on Christopher Cross and, you know, one thing leads to another and we sleep together again. And the whole time I'm thinking - what is this - I mean, are we more than just friends now, or are we just friends who sleep together, what's going on, right?
      So Bob goes to sleep and I stay up and have a cigarette and I get pretty freaked out. So the next morning I'm getting ready for school and Bob and I have this big fight and I get really crazy and I throw his pot up against a wall and it smashes to pieces. And I stay home from school and I play hooky and I go to this bar downtown and I just sit there all day, crying and drinking and crying and drinking.
      So when I do go back to school it's the day for the gift certificate announcement and Mrs. Wagner is inspecting all these stupid looking petunias and ferns and everybody wants to know where Bob is, 'cause they all knew he'd win, 'cause he was one good looking plant, you know. He really was. And I don't say anything, I just sit there all day long and don't say anything. And I go home early (I fake being sick at the nurse's office) and I go home and I put on Christopher Cross and I just sit there and I think - you really fucked up this time, man. You know? You really fucked up.

• February 24, 1989 - No Shame Iowa City
  

  Performed by Michael Wells

• April 21, 1989 - Best of No Shame (Iowa City)
  

  Performed by Michael Wells

• June 5, 2005 - National Best of No Shame at Piccolo Spoleto (Charleston)
  

  Performed John Shirley

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