Elijah: Jesus Christ, did you see that?

Tony nods.

Sarah: Yeah, he fuckin’ died!

Carmine: Yeah, he fuckin’ died, alright.

Andrea: There’s nothing alright about him, he fuckin’ died.

Sarah: (Singing) I love you, you love me. . .

Carmine looks at her curiously.

Elijah: What do you think happened to him?

Carmine: Well, date rape drugs work on guys, too.

Andrea: Yeah, but he fuckin’ died!

Carmine: Yeah, but what if someone gave him too much?

Tony walks out, nobody sees him go.

Sarah: Jesus Christ, he’s fuckin’ gone!

Carmine: Maybe he really was Jesus Christ! Look for something with his image on it, like the Shroud of Turin!

Andrea: Find his shirt!

Sarah: Find his tie!

Elijah: Find his underwear!

Carmine: Find his underwear?

Elijah: Did I say that out loud?

Tony pops his head back in and nods.

Sarah: Yeah, you did.

Elijah: (After a long pause) Yeah, because if we find underwear, then we’d know it wasn’t Jesus, because Jesus doesn’t wear underwear!

Andrea: Here’s a toast to Jesus!

They toast.

Sarah: So if Jesus is gone, then are we in Heaven?

Andrea: No. If there’s no Jesus, then we must be in Hell.

Carmine: Do you really think we’re in Hell?

Andrea: How could we tell? (Elijah hits her) Ow, you fuck!

Sarah: (Singing) I love you, you love me. . .

Elijah: How do you feel?

Andrea: I’m in pain!

Carmine: Fuck, then we must be in Hell.

Sarah: I knew I should have gone to church more. . .

Tony pops his head back in and nods.

Carmine: I knew I shouldn’t have cheated on my taxes. . .

Tony nods.

Andrea: I knew I shouldn’t have fucked all those guys. . .

Tony nods.

Elijah: I knew I shouldn’t have raped those old women. . .

Tony shakes his head and leaves.

Sarah: Wait, raped those old women?

Carmine: Dude, that’s fucked up.

Elijah: Wait, what?

Andrea: You just said you raped old women.

Elijah: Did I?

Carmine: Yeah, and that’s fucked up.

Elijah: I didn’t mean it.

Sarah: I hope you didn’t mean it.

Elijah: Yeah, I mean, what kind of person rapes old women?

Carmine: I don’t know, but that’s not even cool to joke about.

Andrea: Yeah, what kind of person does rape old women?

Elijah: Well I wouldn’t know, I don’t rape old women.

Carmine: Well then how did you end up in Hell with the rest of us?

Elijah: Well. . . I. . .

Carmine: Yes?

Elijah: When I was young, I used the girl’s bathroom.

Sarah: And God sends people to Hell for that?

Andrea: Man, God’s pretty strict. I’m kind of glad he left.

Elijah: Tell me about it, I used to be a girl, too!

Carmine: Wait, you used to be a girl?

Elijah: Yep, I was born a girl. My name was Susanna. I had a sex change operation when I was 14.

Andrea: Wow, that takes balls to admit.

Sarah: Even if they weren’t your own to begin with!

Andrea: Here’s to courage!

Everyone toasts. Tony walks in, joins the toast, and promptly dies.)

Elijah: Jesus Christ, did you see that?

Tony nods.

Sarah: Yeah, he fuckin’ died!

Carmine: That’s sixteen times in the last hour, how many more times is that jerk going to die in my bar?