WHITEBOY - BLACKBOY
NARRATOR sits down in a chair that's provided. A book is handed to him. WHITEBOY comes forward on one side of the stage, BLACKBOY comes out on the other. The NARRATOR is sitting in the middle.
NARRATOR
(opening the book)
Hello and welcome to story-time, boys and girls. I am happy to present WHITEBOY - BLACKBOY, a modern morality tale. Once upon a time, there was a Whiteboy . . .
He points to WHITEBOY, who nods his head.
NARRATOR
And a Blackboy . . .
Slight pause, then he points to BLACKBOY, who waves.
NARRATOR
Now the Whiteboy was having a bad day.
WHITEBOY
I'm having a bad day.
NARRATOR
A really bad day.
WHITEBOY
A really bad day.
NARRATOR
A really, really bad day.
Slight pause.
WHITEBOY
A really, really bad day.
NARRATOR
A really, really, really . . .
WHITEBOY
ALL RIGHT NUMBNUTS, KNOCK IT OFF!
NARRATOR
It was a bad day.
WHITEBOY
It's a bad day, and you wanna know why it's a bad day? Because STUPID people will not leave me alone! Everywhere I go, there they are, STUPID people wearing their STUPID clothes with STUPID smiles on their faces hitting you from all sides with their STUPID fucking questions! It's the questions that are the worst, they are nonstop, they make me absolutely crazy. What'cha reading? A BOOK! What'cha eating? I'M EATING FOOD! But the worst one, the most stupid question of all time is. . . .are you asleep? NO! This is how I concentrate, lying down with MY EYES CLOSED! IF I WERE STANDING UP WITH MY EYES OPEN, THEN I WOULD BE FUCKING ASLEEP YOU ASSHOLE!
Short pause, then the NARRATOR turns to BLACKBOY.
NARRATOR
Now the Blackboy was having a good day.
BLACKBOY
I'm having a good day.
NARRATOR
A great day!
BLACKBOY
A great day!
NARRATOR
A great wonderful day!
BLACKBOY
A great wonderful day!
NARRATOR
A fantastic, wonderful. . .
WHITEBOY
Would you two GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!
Slight pause.
NARRATOR
Anyway, it was a great day.
BLACKBOY
It is a great day, one of those days when you get up just as the sun is rising and feel the fresh air and you know that the air you're breathing is not only touching you but everyone else in the world, and I realized that I am a part of all things and all things are a part of me. I realized that all problems could be resolved if we all just stopped bickering and jumped headfirst into one big goobery pile of joyous love. I resolved to love all things, all beings everywhere, and I think they should all love me. That's why it's a great day.
NARRATOR
Man, that's great. That's just great.
WHITEBOY clears his throat and NARRATOR gets on with it.
NARRATOR
Anyway, one fine day the Whiteboy and the Blackboy meet on the street.
WHITEBOY and BLACKBOY come together in front of the NARRATOR and look at each other. WHITEBOY is glowering, BLACKBOY is smiling.
WHITEBOY
What are you smiling at?
BLACKBOY
I'm smiling at you friend.
WHITEBOY
Listen, get it straight, I ain't your buddy, I ain't your pal, I ain't your friend, got it?
BLACKBOY
But all I . . .
WHITEBOY
Listen, I'm warning you, I'm a dangerous person, do not toy with me, do not mess with me and above all else, do not ask me any questions.
BLACKBOY
But. . .
WHITEBOY
I mean it! Not one word or I'm liable to blow!
BLACKBOY
Bu. . .
WHITEBOY
Not a word!
Short pause.
BLACKBOY
My brother, I just wanna say. . .
WHITEBOY
AAAIIIYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
WHITEBOY goes nuts, doing several complicated martial art moves that knock BLACKBOY to the ground. BLACKBOY is stunned, he looks up.
BLACKBOY
What was that?
WHITEBOY
(practicing some moves)
Karate. Black belt.
BLACKBOY gets up, takes a black object from the NARRATOR, then runs and hits WHITEBOY with it, knocking him to the ground. He then hits WHITEBOY several more times.
BLACKBOY
I WAS TRYING TO SAY "I LOVE YOU," ASSHOLE!
BLACKBOY finishes and steps back. WHITEBOY lifts his head up.
WHITEBOY
What was that?
BLACKBOY
Toyota. Fan belt.
WHITEBOY and BLACKBOY return to their spots as the NARRATOR stands and walks forward.
NARRATOR
Ladies and gentlemen, the moral of this story plainly is: Don't fuck with a happy black man.
THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
ARCHIVIST'S NOTES:
Based on the chronology provided by Joshua James (aka Todd Peterson) and Carolyn Jacobson,
the date of the first WBBB piece was almost certainly September 20, 1991,
though there is still a very slight possibility that this date is off by one week.
Performed by Bill Hairston, Todd J. Peterson & David Woodside.
Performed by Bill Hairston, Todd J. Peterson & David Woodside.