copyright © 2002 Kim Wade


By: Kim Wade

ã 2002

Cast of Characters:

Crystal Ball





Hi, I’m Crystal Ball. Are you tired of ho-hum sex you get from escort or dating services? Oh Baby, oh baby. Run of the mill working girls don’t know you. So how can they individualize sex so it’s just right? Maybe you like the Back Way or Around the World or maybe just want to slide down the pole. Even if you tell them what you want, do you ever really get it? If you go through the intimacy of a read relationship to get to where the Big Bang is really out of this world, you know there’s a price at the end of the Rainbow and it’s a lot more than mine. With real relationships you pay with your soul. I would like to offer a happy medium: the best sex you have ever had. Designer sex. The kind of sex that you only get through years of experimentation. It slices, dices and I’ve even been known to bite. Hard or soft depending on your mood. You can avoid those embarrassing scenarios of having to explain that you like Golden Showers on the mount. I know it all. I ride your wave. I catch your vibe. See, I have something that other working girls haven’t got. I can read your soul. Before coming into this business I was Madame Celeste, Psychic to the Stars. Now you know if you gaze into my eyes, the sky’s the limit.


Hi. My name is Dean and I’m from Richmond, Virginia. I use Miss Ball’s services every time I’m in town. My fantasies are about putting my Diddley Doo into country music stars. Miss ball channeled Patsy Cline last time I was with her and I’m still singing my favorite Patsy song: Crazy…


Yes! I channel any historical figure, musician or movie star. So if you’d like to screw Brittany Spears, just kill her off and I’ll channel her. I take on the deceased’s movements, features, and voice. With a little make-up and a crop top, you will never know the difference. Kill her off and the world will be a better place for humanity. The spirit world might revolt and bring on Armageddon. But small price to pay for boffing a bimbo.


Hi, I’m Frank from Kill Devil Hills, North Carolina. Miss Ball tied me to a chair, brushed me with her hair and sat on my lap with her bottom bare. When we did it, I whinnied like a mare. I did not know that was exactly what I wanted. That night will go down in my scrapbook as The Night They Burned Old Dixie Down! Oh my Lord, I get all sweaty just thinking about it. I still have the ropes.


That’s right. I do things to you that you’ve never thought of. I know you better than you do. You can ask your sweetie to satisfy your fantasies and go down on you while you’re reading the Wall Street Journal. If your stocks plummet, there goes the Dow Jones. But I will bathe you in prosperity oil and whisper the biggest fortunes of all time while calling you Mr. Trump. Wouldn’t that just blow you over? Remember…put your money where your mouth is. The best sex you have ever had for not one thousand dollars or even five hundred. But for as low as $99.95. And get your sexual fantasies custom designed. And if you order now I will include a free psychic reading that will tell you where you are going life. And a free purple vibrator that has the Chakra alignment of different gemstones.

I don’t need a 1-800 number. I know who you are. Just think, "Yes. I would like an incredible fantasy with Miss Ball" and I will be there. No phone calls, no hassles, just keep the wallet handy. Remember to order my book, "Psychic Slut — I Know What You Like."


"Infomercial" debuted August 28, 2002, with Heather Lam as Crystal Ball & Tabitha Lee as Dean AND Frank.

Performed January 17-19, 2003 by Tabitha Lee, Steve Drucker and Larry Stallings.

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