uhn ..hmm..ahem..Sex

by Neil Van Gorder

 

Brittany Deuth.. Long brown hair, that I thought would be displayed so nicely upon my pillow.., brown eyes that glistened so, that you would want to take her home and play with her all day, like any full - breed puppy.., breasts that could hold more milk than a cow's udder .. and to think I had sex with her.

It all began when I saw her in Art class. To my friend Ryan C., I pronounced in classic high school slang, " I'm gonna hit that shit!" Ryan balked at my prophecy, for he did not realize that I possessed visionary capabilities that could rival Nostradamus, but I on the other hand, believed in my powers wholeheartedly and I believe to this day that that was the deciding factor. I'd seen her in the halls of the school wrapped around her boyfriend, but by reading the emotions in her face, I could tell that something was missing in that relationship. And then an epiphany of divine sorts led me in the right direction. It was me!- I was the missing component in what would become a love triangle that would rival any that President Clinton has taken part in.

Now on to the sticky sweet thang.... We drove to my parent's house, I enticed her into the house by telling her there was a Carnival of Love inside and that the rides were free for girls like her. Meanwhile, I was the greasy, white trash carnival operator giving away free passes. Then It happened!

Excuse me for a moment, for I will try to write a little more soberly and candid from here so I can accurately describe what occurred in these precious moments of my life. I turned on my stereo. She was sitting on my bed, milk jugs and everything. I sat down beside her, debating if I should kiss her straight off. But I had no time to ruminate, for she put her mouth straight to mine and it was to late. I then said in the process of kissing, to make the love triangle complete I must put in what's missing. She then replied as long as my boyfriend's not told, I said do not worry he shall not find out he's a cuckold. So the undressing did commence, and my ferocious libido could not be fenced. But here's where the scene gets all fucked up, and if the scene was a record this is where it would get stuck. Okay she was wearing red panties. And they were coming off. First thing that happened was I noticed a smell, not bad, but just a woman smell that my olfactory organs weren't quite used to. Hold on that doesn't quite smell like those porno mags of my brother's that I had grown so accustomed to.... I realize now I was walking in a minefield and I should have asked Brittany for instructions on what to do next. That would have been the best bet. She gave me a condom and said to have sex with me you must put this on. I got up off the bed and took out my dick. I began putting on the condom when to my chagrin, the life that had so recently pulsated through One-Eyed Pete (a term of endearment for my penis) was snatched away like a bag of candy on a dark Halloween night, by some evil apparition that I had no clue was near me. And I felt like a child whose treat was snatched away. I quickly explained that this had never happened with a girl before and I was quite right in saying this because I had never been with a girl before. So I told Brittany to hold on (what else could she do) and ran down stairs with my lanky naked body while her beautiful body lay upon my bed. I was quite distressed at this point and I could tell Brittany was far from impressed. I ran down to my brother's porno collection and snagged a magazine. I slapped my penis around trying to get the blood back into it, like a coach would slap around an unconscious football player. "Come on get back into the game, you got work to do." All this running around and trying to force my machine to work, just made the machine rebel.

So I walk back upstairs and there she is with her big brown eyes on my bed. I remember the condom had ripped some time in this whole process, so I explain that I we'll have to go without. I was very intent on "getting some". She was unsure, but I.. I was a man of confidence and told her not to fret. So she helped me get my penis somewhat hard again, hard enough to slip in. I then had a hard time finding her vagina. Jesus, what a dork, I thought. It would have done me better to think of a vagina as being between a woman's legs like a man's penis, but instead of an outty it was an inny. So my penis was inside after quite a struggle.

Now let me recount my thoughts and feelings in these strange moments. I remember thinking, "Wow, I'm having sex, albeit badly, but I'm still having it." Next, " I can't wait to tell my buddies." See I was a victim of my social conditioning and in our little group there was pressure to not be known as a virgin, for who could respect a man that was na•ve of such carnal acts? Kids and their crazy beliefs. There was also no feeling in my penis. It was as if my penis was a blind spelunker missing the views of the great stalactites that all the pamphlets that I had read were so intent upon advertising. But the whole thing was not so bad. I recall her stomach and pelvic region twisting beneath me like how a snake moves through the grass. That was neat! Maybe I found this exciting because it had more to do with animal sensations than with making myself loom larger in other's eyes, as if that was really possible. We tried and tried. She would smack my penis around and it wouldn't respond. Then she got fed up and I said maybe we should try again some other day. Then I went to work.