Fantasimico, the Light Machine

 

by Neil Van Gorder

 

 

(Screaming, gawking, in the dark) Then I flash the light machine beam at the crowd.)

That was the sound I made to draw the chickens near. Then I blasted them with this my light machine. The year was 1912 the same year I invented the light machine and the same year they took cocaine out of Coca-Cola. My light machine was hailed as the greatest invention of 1912 at the world's fair that year because it could do things once thought impossible like project pictures on walls or stuff elephants in the cockpits of biplanes. Now projecting pictures on walls was just run of the mill for my light machine. But jamming an elephant into a small hole was extraordinary back then kind of like unlocking a door with your penis. It's just run of the mill these days, Damit. People had been trying for years to prove it could be done. Whenever someone tried to stuff one of those beasts in a cockpit there was always a mess of elephant hair and petroleum jelly everywhere and many disappointed men standing around holding crowbars, but no elephant ever ended up in a cockpit. Then my light machine and I came along and with it a terrifying day for elephants everywhere that thought they'd never be stuffed inside the cockpit of a biplane.

I was on the front page of all the newspapers. And everyone knew my name. And everyone knew the name of my light machine, the Fantasimico. We could do anything and we did.

(Act like I'm really cold and tense up rubbing my hand across my face.)

We did do anything. That year, I got a call from the mayor of New York City. He told me there'd been trouble down in China Town. Someone had been crossbreeding chickens with the rare breed of chicken known as the gigantic Chinese Fighting Devil Chicken. Unexpected things had taken place. So now there were 25-foot chickens roaming the streets pecking at pedestrians like they were walking millet. And they were headed for Manhattan. He asked me if Fantasimico and I could do anything to protect the city. I said yes and I'd do it for 99 bottles of Coca-Cola and supplies. Cocaine was my power drug in those days before it was band. And 99 bottles of Coca-Cola had a full half-pound of cocaine, just enough to get me in the mood to battle 25 foot belligerent chickens. Needless to say once in Manhattan those monstrous chickens came at me from all angles as well as the hallucinations induced by the half pound of cocaine. Fantasimico and I came prepared however. The city had supplied us with 3000 tons of fry batter and a water tank full of hot deep fat frying oil.

The fight that insued was a disaster for the city and led to the ban on Chinese devil fighting chickens and cocaine in Coca-Cola (my fault). But America was left with a mountain of the best fried chicken they'll ever see. And Fantasimico and I were left with the gratitude of the still living New Yorkers and that was enough for us.