The Carbohydrate Cowboy!! How to Turn Dried Food Products Into a Snazzy Get-Up!  

by Neil Van Gorder     (This piece of art? requires a slide projector and a suitable surface to project images upon.   Lights almost all the way down. I begin to spin my gun and lights go up.)     Bang! Bang! Bang! I'm the Carbohydrate Cowboy. Bang! Bang!! I fight hunger across the Old West. Bang! Bang! . The Carbohydrate Cowboy fights the good fight, the fight no one else would take up in those days, the days when the West was ruled by the gun. I take pride that my Suit of Bagels can feed a needy child, a hungry pioneer, or a prostitute suffering from malnutrition and gonorrhea.   Okay, okay. Let me take this wig off so you can recognize me. Hi. I'm not really the Carbohydrate Cowboy. My name's Neil and you've probably seen me here at No Shame before. I just like to pretend I'm the Carbohydrate Cowboy. In reality, I'm just a student who likes to dress up in dried food products just like yourself. I made this Bagel suit in my free time last weekend and I'd like to share its development with you.

 

So luckily I took the time to document the development of the Bagel Suit since I knew that the bagels themselves would some day decompose and I hoped that this accomplishment and triumph of human genius would be passed on through the generations to come...

I made a "short film" of the work that I put into its creation to share with you.

 

Now a discussion of the process of making a bagel suit:

The first and most important thing when making a bagel suit (of course after you've obtained a good supply of Bagels) is to find a good dry place that you can keep your bagels. The place must be free of rodents such as mice or insects such as crickets that can attack and diminish your bagel supply. Now I'm sure the question on all of your minds right now is why does one need a place to store the Bagels or other food products that you have chosen to make your suit out of?

One must always dry his or her bagels (and from now on when I say bagels that applies to any food product) One must always dry his or her bagels thoroughly to prevent their deterioration and to make the job of stringing the bagels together easier. Remember what I say "A Bagel Suits structural integrity is dependent upon the individual bagels themselves, and the linkage unit that is utilized in its creation." These are words I live by.

 

Now we are entering the storage shed for the bagels.

 

Now here is an illustration of the bagels in there dehydration process. One should notice that the bagels have not been stacked upon one another. This ensures a much better aeration process.

 

So how bout a close up of the bagels in all their glory? Shazaam! There we have it.

Beautiful if I don't say so my self. Notice the varied color selection that one may choose from to make his or her bagel suit. There's a jalapeno cheese bagel, an onion and garlic, a poppyseed, a chocolate chip, and many other varieties from which to choose.

 

But not every bagel is suited to be utilized in a bagel suit. Here take a look at this bagel. At first glance it may seem that this bagel is a fine specimen. No! It is not. The bagel doesn't have a hole. What good is a bagel with out a hole? No good what so ever. All bagels with errors must be thrown out.

Now take a look at this bagel. Eww. It is dirty. Never use a dirty bagel in your bagel suit.

 

Now this bagel is perfect. Notice the fine hole with an even diameter. And one can see the hardness of the bagel, almost feel the hardness! It's so hard like a diamond. The hardness comes from this bagel's unique material structure. It is made of oat bran.

 

Now once you have chosen your bagels that you will work with it is time to sit down and enjoy the hours you will spend lacing your bagels together. Losing one's self in one's creation is a vital part of the success of the bagel suit. I recommend listening to a few a of your favorite CD's while at work and also drinking a glass of a delicious French red wine. Enjoy!

 

The bagel suit in its first stages. Let me say a few words upon this subject. It is imperative that you have a good design that allows you to enter and exit your bagel suit quickly. We will discuss this later except... My design is the best that I know of at this time but I challenge each and every one of you to develop a design that is more attractive and utilitarian.

 

The bagel suit nearing completion.

 

Now once you have your bagel suit completed, the moment of truth has come. Trying one's bagel suit on and viewing one's handing work is deeply gratifying.

 

A stupendous achievement.

 

Now it is time to share your handiwork with friends. A party is the perfect place to debut the bagel suit.

Here we see the Carbohydrate Cowboy jumping into action! Beware ladies a hound dog's on the loose. Woof! Woof!

 

One must admit the Bagel suit has irresistible charm. Sexy women love a man in uniform and the bagel suit is no exception to this rule.

Sexy Ladies can't keep their hands off you when you're decked out in the full regalia of your fancy shmancy bagel suit.

They try to rip the bagel suit off you. This nurse whispered in my ear "I'll shove a spoonful of my lovin' down your throat, Bagel Boy." I was scared.

 

I fought and fought. The naughty nurse would not give up however and finally I succumbed to her "spoonful of lovin'".

 

Well that is the end. Ohh one final thought before I go. Do not wear your bagel suit around high populations of birds. It is dangerous.

 

Well I must thank you for being such a good audience and letting me share what I consider to be quite an advance in the science and art of using dried food products in innovative ways. Thank you. Thank you very much.

 

(leave lights on when I am finished)