When Jesus Can't Save Your Ass There Will be a Food Product Somewhere That Can

by Neil Van Gorder

 

(A Man stands alone with a gun in his hand crying he places the gun to his head crying louder in a total breakdown mumbling and shouting his internalized thoughts out. A inconspicuous plate of Mexican food with a single taco is on a table behind him.)

 

Brendan: I could've been so fucking big...I blew my fucking chance...Rachel - that whore!... won't even talk to me...Jesus...God save me...(places gun to head)...nothing has ever gone right for me...I try and try but the pieces never fall in the right place....save me please God if you care for me like the Bible says...

(There is a pause and no answer. Brendan realizing this, cocks the hammer back on the gun.) No hope.....

 

There is a stir from the table the Taco begins to rise.

 

Taco: Don't shoot yourself! I love you!

 

Brendan: (Spinning around!) What!? (In absolute wonderment) What are you? Are you God!?

 

Taco: (The taco unsure of how to answer, realizing he may get more respect as God) Umm yeah yeah uh this is God. You should put that gun down. The angels in heaven look on this event with great ummm umm shit I forgot the word I was going to say. Damn!

Brendan: (Confused and hysterical) Oh my...this is like Moses and the Burning Bush but with me, Brendan Frazier and a Floating Taco. (Bending down to one knee) God what ever you ask of me, your will shall be done...

 

Taco: Wait turn your face profile for a second. (Brendan does as he is told.) Holy shit you are Brendan Frazier! You use to star in different films...I saw your face on the cover of GQ.

 

Brendan: What...yeah I'm Brendan Frazier and I use to star in films. Why...this is so fuckin' weird.

Taco: Alright I might as well say it and get it out now. I didn't think that pretending to be God thing would work.

 

Brendan: What!?. Not God.

 

Taco: No, I'm not God.

 

Brendan: So what are you?

 

Taco: I'm a talking taco.

 

Brendan: (While waving the gun around.) What the fuck!? This would be more believable if you were God! You're floating taco!

 

Taco: Hey kid put the gun down before you put a hole through my Ortega Corn Shell!

 

Brendan: Okay! Okay. (begins to lay the gun down) Wait, what the fuck there's a talking taco! (Raises the gun at him.) How are...you must be a hallucination.

 

Taco: Hold on! Pull yourself together, Brendan. I'm real. See look I'm not a figment of your imagination. (Trying to change the subject) Ummm uhh let me ask you a question. Why are you crying - why do you want to kill yourself?

 

Brendan: Nothing's gone right.

 

Taco: What's gone wrong?

 

Brendan: I was cast in a movie and they got rid of me because they said I wasn't right for the part and cast Keanu Reeves in my place. How could Keanu Reeves be right for any part? He's a horrible actor.

 

Taco: The word on the street is that he has a great agent. What movie was it anyway?

 

Brendan: It was called "The Matrix" or something.

 

Taco: Oh don't worry Brendan I'm sure it will bomb.

 

Brendan: I hope so.

 

(Break scene)

Brendan: That was my first meeting with the Talking Taco. After I overcame my disbelief and got over my suicidal depression I became quite used to having him around. In fact we became great friends. It was nice to have someone else in the house with which I could talk. He was excellent at trivia and had great taste in music as well. But there was a time when I had to comfort him. My friend the pet Taco became very ill.