"Sound & Fury" 
            By, Dave Ulrich

                                        LIGHTS UP.

                                        Note: the play gets faster and faster to the end.
                                        Overlapping should definitely occur.

                                        MUSAK under all.

                                        DAVE #1 is sitting center on the telephone. DAVE
                                        #2 and DAVE #3 are to the left and right.

                                   DAVE #1
            No, I already ordered it. It came to my home. But I wasn't
            there. I know. I know, but that wasn't what I said. I mean, I
            told you... guys, that the shipping address is my work.
            Sending it to my home is pointless. No. I know that. I said
            that. No, I said to ship to my work. I'm never, ever home, so
            why would I...? Yeah, it's A-1-3-5-1-9-0-6-8-8. Sure.

                                        He sits back on hold.

                                   DAVE #2
            Hello. I called a few days ago because... Oh. A-1-3-5... No,
            I don't have that. Well, because I never got the phone. They
            charged me for a new order, but I didn't get  a new order
            number. It's a Sony Eric... I don't know if it's a GSM phone.
            It's a Sony Ericsson t68i. Sure.

                                        He sits back on hold.

                                   DAVE #3
            Yes, I called a couple times already, and I've talked to
            several people who all insist that my phone is going to be
            here tomorrow. And tomorrow. And tomorrow. However, it
            doesn't seem to be coming and... yes, it's A-1-3... oh crap.
            I guess I should tell you that it's a GSM phone. That's fine.

                                        He sits back on hold.

                                   DAVE #1
            Hello. I have a problem and I have a GSM phone. Sure.

                                   DAVE #3
            Yes, I have talked to a lot of people who have told me a lot
            of things. All of them have been wrong. Or not true. Or
            something. This is...

                                   DAVE #1
            ...I'll get to that. It's just each step requires that I be
            on hold for a really long time, and it's... Dammit. I have a
            GSM phone. Yes. Fine.

                                   DAVE #3
            Go ahead.

                                   DAVE #2
            Hello... I...
                          (sighs)

                                   DAVE #1
            I never received the phone it's been a week and a half. I
            just need some sort of confirmation that it's even on the
            way. The first time you sent it, to the wrong address, it was
            overnight. Now... No. No, I don't know the number -- I never
            got the phone.

                                   DAVE #2
            It's been two weeks now and I have tried to be patient. At
            this point I'm thinking I may just give up. I mean the whole
            point was to have a full month of two services so that
            everyone could adjust to my new number. But now, almost half
            of the month is over...

                                   DAVE #3
            This is my very first experience with your company and so
            far, it hasn't gone very well. At all. I'm thinking of just
            bailing out. But you've charged me twice and never managed to
            actually get the phone to me. Everyone assures me that...

                                   DAVE #1
            Evidently there are two orders. I have only one number. It is
            A-1-3-5-1-9-0-6-8-8. Yes.
                          (sighs)

                                   DAVE #2
            I don't have a GSM phone, I don't have the phone at all. But
            my issue is with a hypothetical GSM phone so go right ahead
            and put me on hold. However, I demand that you to give me the
            direct number to the GSM phone people. Even if you aren't
            supposed to. For the next time.

                                   DAVE #1
            Okay. Here's the deal. It's been three weeks and I am
            prepared to quit. No matter how good a deal this was. No
            matter how badly I want this GSM phone -- that quite suddenly
            no other wireless service has. I rather live without the GSM
            technology I want so bad, than have a relationship with you.

                                   DAVE #3
            I'm glad that you appreciate how calm I am, because it truly
            is difficult at this stage.

                                   DAVE #1
            So I went to the store to pick one up, like you people told
            me to. And there were no employees. Yes. Yes that's right. At
            the store, no one was there. Oh no, they were open all right.
            But there was no one there.

                                   DAVE #2
            I was just transferred by someone from that department.

                                   DAVE #3
            Three weeks ago, you sent the phone to the wrong...

                                   DAVE #2
            Hello?

                                   DAVE #1
            Before I drive there I need to know if you have employees
            there. What I mean, is that some of your stores don't have
            employees. I also need to know if I can really pick up a GSM
            phone with my order number. Why not? Why would I have to buy
            one when I already did. Twice. It's paid for. Twice. I paid
            twice for it. I already paid two times for the GSM phone you
            have...

                                   DAVE #2
            Okay. The last person transferred me to a recording that
            said, "GS2 press 1, GS3 press 2." Then it hung up when I
            didn't push anything.

                                   DAVE #3
            I just want to cancel. Yes. Cancel. I want to cancel. Why
            can't you do it? I don't want to be transferred, I want to
            canc... No fucking way.

                                   DAVE #1
            Ok. Here is the deal. You aren't going to tell me anything.
            The following things are going to happen. One, you are not
            going to transfer me. Two, I will not hold. Three, I have a
            GSM phone, and I don't fucking care if that means I shouldn't
            talk to you. Four, I want to cancel. I want to cancel my
            service. I want to cancel any kind of anything that I may
            have had with you -- the worst company on the whole planet --
            can't even mail a GSM phone kind of company. Every single
            step of the way -- every step! You have screwed up. You guys
            are the most unbelievably bad, wrong, dumb, stupid company
            and I'm sorry if I have to talk to you like this but I am
            completely incapable of talking in any other way right now.
            So here is my order number: A-1-3-5-1-9-0-6-8-8. Cancel me.
            Somehow. Someway. I want out. I want the cancel, give me the
            cancel. Cancel, cancel, cancel. I hate you and I hate the GSM
            people and I even hate the GSM phone. Give me the cancel, I
            cancel you all. Cancel.

                                        BLACKOUT. MUSIC OUT.
            THE END

"Sound & Fury" debuted at No Shame Theater (Los Angeles) May 16, 2003, with the following cast:

DAVE #1 - Christopher Clarke
DAVE #2 - Brian Anderson
DAVE #3 - Michelle Garb

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